Monday, 29 December 2008

So This Is Christmas

It's been an interesting Christmas season - most of it spent with Matt.

That first time with him was amazing and had such an effect on me. I couldn't stop thinking about him afterwards. That same evening he texted me telling me that he couldn't get me out if his head or stop remembering the feel of me.

Even after the family were back, when I should have at least tried to put him out of my mind, I told them I needed a long bath and spent an hour in the hot, steamy tub engaging in sex text with him. Never done that before although he's clearly practised at that particular art ....and it was fun.

We agreed to meet the following day and on the way back from work I stopped at the car park of the local woodlands where he was waiting and we spent an interesting hour in his car. It's a long time since I've done that and it was quite entertaining though not something I want to do too often - I'm far too old for that sort of thing and if I'm honest, there was something vaguely seedy about it. He enjoyed it though!

At this time of year, I am invited to some pretty high-profile Christmas parties because of my job and I usually have to go to them as it's the thing to do. They're all the same though and no amount of celebrities can take away from the fact that actually no matter how great the venue or how much food and drink is sloshing around, doing it all the time and having the same boring conversations is dull. However, this year they have provided the perfect excuse for me. My family have expected me to be out every night and so after an initial appearance right at the start of each one, I have left early and gone straight round to Matt's flat.

I should feel guilty but I can't. I've been justifying my actions by deciding that I have to do what I want for a change. I just want to be able to breeze down the street, smiling at the world ...because I'm happy! And I have been. I've definitely been walking along with a spring in my step. These things can never last - I know that - but it's a long time since I have felt so alive. Sex with him is so fantastic. It's been wonderful having someone discover me again and for me to take time giving him such obvious pleasure. Marital sex is OK, of course it is, but it has become so practised and routine with Ewan because we just go straight to what we know we both like. It's almost functional.

So in these last few weeks all has been good and I feel like a teenager. I keep letting my thoughts drift to Matt and what he does to me, especially when I'm stuck in meetings that seem to go on for what seems like an eternity. And I love that he just wants to be with me all the time. Even on Christmas Day, he texted me to tell me he was at the bottom of my road and had to see me. I grabbed an envelope and shouted that I had forgotten to drop in a Christmas card to old Eileen in the next street and ran to meet him. How risky was that? But thrilling nonetheless and I was so pleased that he wanted to see me, even on such a big day.

However, last night, I got a bit of a reality check. It was the first time after Christmas that I had been able to meet him and I told the family that I needed to pop round to see a friend who had been ill and I wanted to take some cake over. Soon after, I was in his bedroom. But just after I got there his phone rang and it was Kelly. Even though he went into his sitting room to take the call, I could hear that it was a difficult conversation and that she was clearly upset. He calmed her down and then I heard him telling her that it would be OK, he would get away from his friends as soon as possible and be round to her place in about an hour and make everything all right..... and that he loved her.

When he came back in the bedroom, he tossed the phone into the corner and jumped on the bed and started kissing me. I told him I thought he had said he was going to see her and he said he would but he had important business to finish here first. Suddenly, I felt uncomfortable, angry even. I got up and told him that actually, I had to leave. I knew he was shocked and even I didn't really know what was going on but I just wanted to get out of there. He tried to pull me back asking what was wrong but I left pretty sharpish and went straight home.

He kept texting through the evening asking what was wrong and what he had done and eventually I replied telling him that he made me feel cheap. That was it. I heard nothing from him after that and today he hasn't been in touch.

I think I've blown it.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

The Deed Is Done

It didn't take long for Matt to name the day - we arranged to meet yesterday. I took the day off work, he called in sick and once I had seen Ewan and the kids off to work and school, I headed round to his flat.

Once again, the door to his flat was ajar but this time I didn't see him as I walked into the hall. I turned around to close the door behind me and there he was. He shut it and moved towards me saying nothing but just looking me straight in the eye. As much as I wanted to do something sensible like walk away into his sitting room or say something funny, I felt rooted to the spot as he approached me, unable to speak or even breathe. He took my bag from my hand and dropped it to the floor and pushed my coat off my shoulders and draped it over the bag, all the time never taking his eyes off of me.

He took my face in his hands, stroking my cheek with his finger. And then, he kissed me, very tenderly. And as the kiss got more passionate he pushed me back gently, into his bedroom with his mouth still on mine and before I knew it we were on his bed. And now his kisses were hungry and passionate and I felt helpless to do anything but respond. His hands were all over me and my body just wanted to give in but suddenly, it was as if a warning bell sounded in my head and I pushed him off.

His arms were back round me in seconds but this time he just stroked my hair and told me it would be all right, that he wouldn't push me and that he was sorry that he had gone so fast but that he hadn't been able to sleep all night because he was thinking about being with me. We talked for a while then - I can’t even remember what about, but it was mainly about him.
He kept kissing me though and telling me how beautiful I was and laughed when I asked if this was a practised routine. He said that no one had made him feel this turned on in a long time and that he hadn't stopped thinking about me since that first time I was in his flat and that he was actually worried about the effect I was having on him.

In between talking we fooled around a bit but after an hour or so, after he had succeeded in getting my top off, I felt I needed to call time and leave. He was fine about it, said he didn't want to pressure me into anything I didn't want to do. He got up, gave me his hand and pulled me up off the bed. As I tried to button up my blouse though, he kept kissing me and telling me that I was the most gorgeous woman he had ever been with and when I laughed and told him that didn't wash as Kelly was stunning, he looked at me and said she wasn't me. He looked so serious for a minute that I couldn't resist kissing him again, and this time it was even more passionate than before.

Before long, he pulled away and said, if I was going to go I needed to do it straight away or he wouldn't be responsible for his actions. I should have left then but I couldn't...or at least I didn't want to. He told me again that he was losing control but I kept kissing him and suddenly, he became the tiger I knew he was and pounced. He pushed me back on the bed and that was it - very wild, very passionate and ....very good. He made me feel so alive and beautiful and sexy. I didn't feel like the depressed 44 year-old frump that writes this blog all the time that I was in his arms.

It was nearly mid-day when I left and I have no idea how I got through the rest of the day but the family came home to a lovely meal and a clean, sparkling house with all clothes freshly washed and ironed.

Good sex has made me a superwoman I think !

Friday, 5 December 2008

I've Come To A Decision

I can't stop thinking of Matt.

It's clear that the inevitable is going to happen very soon. It's so ridiculous. I KNOW he's playing me and yet I'm still willing to fall into his trap. He's like a tiger who has been circling me and now with little effort I'm going to let him pounce without even the hint of a struggle.

But when he tells me in his emails and texts that he can't stop thinking about me and that he wants to feel his lips on mine and his hands in my hair again I just think I might as well let him. I asked him today why he's so keen and he told me that he thinks I'm beautiful and flirty and funny and sexy and clever and wise and he wants to be a part of my life. It may all be practised words but I love it !

I bet he said the same things to Karen. I almost despise her for being so pathetic to believe him so readily and yet here I am about to follow the same path that she trod.

In my last email to him today I told him I would see him again if that's what he wants - it's up to him now to name the day if he's really interested.

I can see myself on the edge of a cliff and I've made the decision to jump. I'll float for a while but that freefall will come pretty quick followed at some point by the crash to the ground. How badly hurt I'll be remains to be seen but for now, I'm going to imagine that it will be just fine.

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Revealing conversations

Matt keeps messaging me. He's asked me if I can take a day off this week to spend with him. I've told him no and I've kept my emails brief, though the messages have been quite flirty I suppose.

He's called me a few times at work too and yesterday, we spent ages on the phone even though I had loads to get on with. He managed to drop in that he's had a relationship with one of the other women in the group - Karen. Like me, she's also much older than him (she's older than me!) and married and when I made that point he told me that's what he prefers. He said that even though he's with Kelly, she is not really his type and that he's always preferred "more mature, more experienced women who know themselves and the world around them better, and who are easier to talk to than an airhead in her 20's who can only talk about her hair and what to wear". He was almost quite brutal about someone who, after all, he has chosen as his girlfriend.
He got together with Karen a couple of years ago during one of the shows where they had to sing a love song together which ended with a kiss. He had suggested they practised and that's how it came about.

I remember at the time that I thought they were together a lot and he always seemed to be giving her a lift to the pub after rehearsals and she was very giggly in his company. She lost a lot of weight over that time which is a trick I seemed to have picked up too - I can't eat at the moment and the pounds seem to be falling off effortlessly....I'm not complaining though !!

It finished because he said he just lost interest fairly soon afterwards and found it difficult to connect with her as a person because they didn't have that much in common. I listened in complete fascination as he carried on talking and I realised that he is such a self-centred person - only concerned with what he wants and what makes him happy.

At the end of the day he sent me an email asking if what he had told me had put me off and when I replied that it didn't make any difference (meaning no because I don't have any intention to have anything more to do with you) he said that was good because he couldn't wait to get his hands and lips on me again. And suddenly, I was excited. Suddenly, I wanted to see him again. Suddenly, I realised that I need adventure in my life. After all, isn't that what everyone wants. I'm not clever enough to be a spy or fit enough to go climb Everest or trek to the North Pole. So my thrills will have to come from a pathetic, illicit affair with someone who I know is going to end up hurting me.

I can try and fight it but maybe I don't want to.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Remembering I Am Married

So, Matt has been messaging me but I have kept things very cool. I have answered but not with any sort of encouragement.

That evening at his flat was a mistake and fortunately it didn't go too far so the situation is repairable. I don't need him in my life and meanwhile, I have my lovely husband who doesn't deserve this treatment.

We've just had a lovely few days together. My mother took the kids off to Center Parcs (she doesn't care that they're supposed to be at school and I couldn't be bothered to argue!) so we thought we would take advantage of the situation and maybe go off on a last minute break to Paris or somewhere romantic. However, in the end we decided to just stay at home and pretend we were on holiday - which was wonderful. We slept in, watched films, went out for long walks, talked (and laughed) a lot, went cycling, cooked together, had lots of sex and spent an afternoon in London visiting tourist attractions. I loved it and I think we needed that time to find each other again.

It's interesting though, that now Mum and the kids are back and we've returned to work and resumed our normal lives, we've gone back to how we always are. We don't seem to have learnt anything or kept anything from those precious few days.

I feel slightly cheated.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

The Morning After

The morning after visiting Matt's flat last week, I woke up feeling incredibly guilty. What was I thinking? Even before getting out of bed, I had decided there could be no more.

I had a text from him fairly early on asking how I was but I ignored it. When I got to work, there was an email from him which I didn't reply to but when I got another one in the afternoon asking if I was OK and why wasn't I talking to him I suddenly felt guilty and so I replied, apologising for taking so long to answer. He's not stupid though and guessed that I was suffering from an "emotional hangover". I told him he was right and he said he would back off and leave me to sort out my head but that he was always there and waiting if I ever wanted to indulge in more "fun".

So here I am again. Why I am doing this? Each time I've had any contact with him over the week, I've realised that I don't think I even like him that much as a person - he's not someone I can have deep conversations with. In fact, I mostly seem to listen to him and what he's been up to. I tell him very little about myself, mainly by choice, but he doesn't seem particularly interested either. But, I do find him incredibly attractive ....and I'm flattered that he is interested in me. Maybe that's the reason.

I wonder though if this is more about proving to myself that I can stay in control which I didn't with Chris, who has been on my mind so much recently. It's probably easier that I can't talk to Matt with the same ease or that my stomach doesn't flip when I think of how he kissed me or held me or that he knows very little about me. I know that he was extremely turned on that night but that does nothing for me either. So even if I do manage to stay in control this time around, it won't mean anything because I haven't really fallen.

Part of me wants to make him to be desperate for me the way I was desperate for Chris. For some reason, I need to feel that I'm capable of doing this and then walking away untouched, which makes me sound so cruel.

I think I'm going to suffer for this. If he now loses interest in me though, I want it to be because he couldn't get anywhere. Not because he walked away from me - that's what I can't cope with. This has to be on MY terms - it has to be.

The best thing, of course, is to simply stay away.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

I Have No Idea Why I Am Doing This

Last night was our singing workshop. It was also the night I agreed to "pop round" to Matt's flat. I tried to get out of it over the week but he managed to persuade me to stick to the original plan and in the end, it went exactly as I knew it would.

I tried not to think about my plans for the evening and went through the motions of my day at work almost on auto-pilot. I ignored most of his messages during the day, just sending him one to say I would nip round to his flat before heading off to the workshop.

I went home at the usual time, showered, changed into jeans, put on a little make-up, kissed Ewan goodbye, told him I didn't know how late I'd be and headed off to the singing group as I so often do.

Only this time I didn't go straight there. This time, I did indeed stop off at Matt's flat.
He buzzed me in and I took the lift to the eighth floor just as he'd explained. For a fleeting second, I almost didn't step out but the moment passed and then I was outside his door, which was ajar. I pushed it open and there he was, waiting for me in the hall, looking absolutely gorgeous - I'd almost forgotten just how cute he was, even though it can't have been more than a couple of months since I last saw him! But then, I guess I wasn't looking at him in the same way as I ever had before.

"Hello", he said "Welcome."
I smiled and was aware that my heart was racing. We both knew why I was there but I felt some sort of charade had to be played out.

"This is nice." I said "Show me round then."
So he took me round his small but lovely apartment. He had bought it brand new and he had a beautiful fresh and modern bathroom which I noted was sparkling clean! His kitchen was compact but again, very modern - not so tidy perhaps but there were a few gadgets around that suggested he was a bit of a cook. From there, he showed me into his living room - a big warm space with dark leather furniture and books and CDs and DVDs. I liked it - it was very him. And then, he led me to the bedroom - another big room, with a massive bed and a huge wardrobe.

I took my time as I looked round - opening cupboards and drawers and generally being very nosey. He just watched with a smile on his face. When we got to the bedroom I suddenly felt a bit nervous. There was nowhere else to go - we had been round the whole flat and now here I was leaning against his wardrobe not really knowing what to do next.

"Your flat is lovely." I said. He moved towards me and said "So are you." Suddenly his hands were round my waist and I felt the need to explain. "I don't normally behave like this." but he just shrugged. "It doesn't matter" he replied. "But it does" I said "I dont want you to think I make a habit of this sort of thing. I'm actually really nervous." He took my hand and put it on his chest "There" he said "Can you feel my heart beating - that's nerves!" I could feel a thudding beneath his muscles but before I had chance to register, his mouth was on mine. And that was it.

Suddenly we were kissing passionately and then we were on his bed and I was surprised at just how much I wanted him. But I held back. There was no way I was going to let him go all the way, though I could tell he wanted to and that he was very turned on. Before it all went too far, I pushed him off me and told him we needed to slow down and to give him credit he did, though over the next few minutes while we were talking, he kept kissing me very tenderly.

He's good - very good - certainly knows what he is doing with women. But I'm going to stay in control this time around. I'm going to be the one who calls the shots.

I told him we needed to go so that we wouldn't be too late for the workshop. He did try and persuade me to give it a miss but I was adamant that we should leave. He told me to go ahead as he needed to stay behind for a bit and "sort himself out" !

So, I went on to the group and hardly acknowledged him when he arrived though I noticed my heart racing. Every so often, I would catch his eye but mostly I pretty much ignored him.

When I got home, Ewan was already asleep and as I got into bed beside him, I wondered just when it was that I became so accomplished at deceit.

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Asking For Trouble

It's been a mega busy time over the last month or so. I've been travelling to and from the US working on some big Anglo/American election events and just when I was back hoping for a quiet time, I found myself involved in the whole Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand fiasco. Can't go into details on that one but it's been fascinating !

Hopefully, it will be calm for a while now. In between working, I've tried to give my family whatever time I've had so they don't feel neglected and now I'm back in the office trying to catch up on all the stuff that has been kept on the backburner. One of them was an email from Matt that he sent a few weeks ago:

So? Are you ever going to accept my invitation to come and have a look round my flat? I'd like you to see it but more than that I want to spend time with you there. Because you see, I can't stop thinking about how your body would feel in my hands and how you would feel wrapped around me.

I was shocked but secretly thrilled when I got it but didn't have the time to respond then, other than to let him know I was out of the country for a while. He replied telling me to get in touch when I was back. Looking at his email again today, I knew I should leave it but I couldn't help myself. Before I knew it, I had pressed SEND and he had an email from me innocently asking how he was. Within seconds he replied saying he had been going out of his mind not knowing what to do with himself because he hadn't heard from me for so long and that, by the way, dreams of me in lying in bed next to him were never far from his thoughts !!

I told him to pack it in and behave himself and he replied that I shouldn't be "so damn sexy". I sent him a firm message back scolding him again and reminding him that I was the married mother of teenagers but he persisted - said he was turned on by my laugh and my smile, my hair, eyes, personality, and my body. "All in all," he wrote "it is an extremely sexy package".

I so want to fight this but I can't. He's very good at this game and I feel weakened. It's easier to play along, isn't it? Even though I had so much to catch up on today, the exchanges continued and by the end of the day, I had agreed to "pop round" to his flat, just before the musical workshop evening that the singing group is putting on.

Oh, what am I doing? Everyone knows that men often stray because they are flattered by female attention. To them it doesn't mean anything because it has nothing to do with what they have at home. I am surprised though that I behave in the same way. I actively seek out flirtations and look for possible encounters in a bid to boost my self esteem but inevitably I feel so much worse, even cheap.

I don't know why I continue to do this - it's really not nice.

Friday, 19 September 2008

Back To The Present

I feel a lot better now. I took a few days off work for some serious me-time and went off for a massage and a facial and some retail therapy - all in a bid to make myself feel good again and I think, to some extent, it's done the trick. Today, I'm back at work and I feel more focused again.

It's been a week or so since Matt's email, which was in fact what triggered this little blue period off. Bizarrely, while I was catching up with the last few days of work, an email from him suddenly popped up which came as a bit of a surprise:
"So I guess no reply from you means I've caused general offence. I'm really sorry if that's the case. I shouldn't have been so presumptuous. I'd hate to think you were angry with me. What can I do to make it right?"

I don't know why but that made me smile. It was quite sweet that he was so concerned. I messaged him back at once saying not to be silly and that I wasn't angry but that I had been very busy and a bit under the weather. He messaged back to check that I was OK and that led to a day of email exchange. It made me feel really good actually. After feeling so low and slightly worthless thinking about the way Chris had treated me, it felt great flirting online with young Matt.

This time though I stay in control. His last message today was sent late afternoon reminding me that I hadn't made it to his flatwarming earlier in the year and would I like a private viewing! I decided to call a halt then and didn't reply but only because I want to leave him wanting more.
I'm happy to play this game I think, but I do it on my terms. I'm not going to let myself get drawn into anything heavy - I just want some fun. The trouble is I embark on these things in the name of "fun", even though I know that is the last thing it will turn out to be. I think I am constantly searching for a holiday from reality.

Whatever the reason though, I do know that I need to prove to myself that I can have a relationship with a man and that I can be the one with the power - that I decide whether to start it, continue it or end it.

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Getting Over It

These last few days have been really difficult. I wish I hadn't let myself think of Chris.

Although I made a decision that day in the park to carry on after he dumped me so unceremoniously, it took me a long, long time to get over it.

I felt so alone after that phone call. I found myself thinking of him constantly and even though I knew I had to get back to living my life, I felt such a fool. I couldn't quite believe that what we had was just over, so soon and unexpectedly. From the moment we had met at the airport, I thought I'd found a friend but it was clearly different for him and that felt like a kick in the stomach.

I was so angry for so long . So terribly sad and confused and constantly on the edge of tears. I couldn't understand why he would tell me that he couldn't deal with this, when together, we had gone over the problems we might face on our return and promised to be there for each other, however bad it got. Whenever I thought of how he had almost cruelly dismissed me that day, it gave me such a physical pain in my chest that I truly thought I might be seriously ill. It was the not understanding that was the crux of the issue - what had I done to deserve this treatment from him?

I kept running over in my head exactly what I would say to him the next time he got in touch. How I would let him know what a shit I thought he was to push me away when I needed him the most. But of course, he never did contact me - he cut me off completely and it hurt like hell to know that he was just not bothered

I desperately wanted to tell someone but I looked at my friends and there was no one I could confide in. I knew they would judge me or tell me I was stupid and so I dealt with it alone. Or rather I didn't - I was in a sorry state for a long time and at one stage I thought I would never get over it. I had pinned such a lot of hope and expectation on him which is not something I normally do and that made it all the worse. Whenever I had any time to myself, it was that thought that made me cry the most and I hated him for making me feel like that.

I don't hate him now though and my heart and stomach don't churn as much when I think of him. Because however much I try not to think about him, I do. His face often comes swimming into view and I find myself remembering him yet again. I do wonder if I will ever truly get over him but even so, this feeling has in a way been more bearable than when Lee left me. Unlike then, there has been no time in the last four years when I have wanted to end my life, although there were many times that I didn't think I could get out of bed to face the day.

Not very long ago, I realised that in order to truly move on, I have to remember my time with Chris with great affection and no bitterness. After all these years though, I still want to see him and talk to him because I know I never did anything wrong and I've never understood why he went so cold on me.

Part of me now also believes that he's simply not worth my emotion - even though he has taken so much of it.

Friday, 5 September 2008

How It Finally Ended

The last few days have been awful. I can't get Chris off my mind. I've worked really hard at keeping him out of my for head for so long but just allowing myself to remember back to that time in Australia seems to have opened up a floodgate, and thoughts of him just keep crashing over me.

After we said goodbye at the airport, I spent an evening catching up with my family but before I went to bed, I took my phone into the bathroom and texted him goodnight. He replied immediately saying he felt very alone in his London hotel. Even though I climbed into bed with Ewan that night, my heart was with Chris.

The next day, I had to take Sasha to a musical theatre workshop audition in Covent Garden. It was a beautiful crisp but sunny Autumn day and after I dropped her off, I had four hours to kill until I had to pick her up. While I was looking round the shops, I got a text from Chris. He said he had completed all his London meetings but his flight back to Glasgow wasn't until the evening, I told him where I was and within half an hour he was with there with me.

We had lunch outside on the Piazza but just like on the flight home, we didn't say much. We simply held hands and looked at each other, and that seemed to speak volumes. He did want to know though if I'd had sex with Ewan the night before. I told him that I had and he said the thought of that killed him but that it was OK because of course that evening he would be with his wife, Kaye. I hated the thought of that but said nothing.

While we were sitting there, we could hear an opera singer entertaining the crowds. She started singing Puccini's "O Mio Babbino Caro" and her voice was so beautiful that I thought my heart would burst. I looked at Chris and like me he had tears his eyes. Looking back now, I think I may have realised at that moment that it was really over and that there was no way we could even carry on a friendship. I can't hear that song now without thinking of that look on his face.

We walked to the tube station and this time there was no passionate kiss, he just squeezed my hand and walked away and within seconds he was engulfed in the crowds of commuters and tourists who swept him away from me.

We emailed and texted for a few weeks after that but he soon told me that he found it too difficult. He said it would be easier if we didn't communicate on a regular basis so I left him alone for a bit, even though I thought about him all the time.

Then, about a month later, Ewan and myself had the most almighty row which had been brewing for some time. Halfway through it, I snapped and said I'd had enough and that I was leaving. As I walked to the door, he grabbed me by the arms and said he wouldn't let me go and that running away wasn't the answer. I burst into tears then and I think had some sort of breakdown. I remember falling to the floor screaming in between great, racking sobs which seemed to come from deep within me. I was shaking and unable to breathe and Ewan cradled me and told me that everything would be OK and that he would look after me and help me through this, and I wondered if maybe, he knew.

Later when I was calm, he let me go off alone for a walk in the park and there of course, I called Chris to tell him what had happened. He listened, saying nothing. Then, when I finished he said, almost dispassionately, that he couldn't deal with this. That he wasn’t in the right place to be able to handle it. That he had his own problems and that he was sorry but a clean break was the only answer.

I couldn't belive it! This man....this man who promised to be my friend, in whom I had confided everything, was now telling me to go away. It felt as if he had ripped out my heart.

Once again in my life, I faced rejection and what felt like compete betrayal. Every inch of me wanted to curl up and let the world carry on without me for a while, but this time I made an immediate decision that I wasn't going to break.

I took a deep breath, wiped away my tears and returned home to Ewan.

Monday, 1 September 2008

Saying Goodbye

I still can't stop thinking about Chris.

That time in Australia and our relationship meant so much to me. For a few short weeks, I was with someone from whom nothing was hidden. I held back from allowing myself to fall completely but although I wasn't in love with him, it was something very similar. More than the physical, it was being able to talk so openly and to be with someone who couldn't get enough of me. That feeling of being needed, wanted, desired is very addictive.

On the flight back to London, we were both quiet. We reflected on the trip and what it meant to each of us. He told me that he never wanted to lose me as a friend and that I was to phone him or email him whenever I needed to talk and I was so grateful to know that for the rest of my life I would have a friend who knew me so totally. We talked about how we would deal with our problems back at home, how we would both make a go of our marriages, knowing that we had each other to turn to for support and understanding.

When we landed, he helped me load my luggage onto my trolley and then told me to go. I wanted to wait for him but he said that we had to say goodbye there. It had come too quickly but I knew he was right. So I put my arms around him and he held me tightly as we kissed and I just wanted to stay like that forever and not go back into that world that was waiting for me. Eventually, we broke apart, he told me to go and I walked away.

I didn't turn back, even though I wanted to with every fibre of my being. But instead, I walked through the doors to Ewan and the kids who were waiting for me. As soon as I saw them I burst into tears. They thought it was because I was happy to be reunited with them after so long, but only I knew I was crying for what I was leaving behind.

Thursday, 28 August 2008

The Second Affair

I didn't reply to Matt's email in the end. Thought it was for the best. I felt very strange last night though because for some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about my second affair and I am usually very good at keeping that one out of my head.

That was four years ago but it still feels so recent - probably because I still dont think I'm truly over it. It was completely different to my fling with Ollie which, let's face it, was only about sex.

It started when one of the directors of the company I worked for, Iona, decided to pursue a better life in Australia and she wanted to see if she could run a branch of the business out there. So, she asked me to join her for a while to help set it up. She also asked a guy called Chris who was part of our team in Scotland. He was someone I knew of but had never actually met.

The offer came at just the right time and it was a challenge I needed. Ewan and myself were having serious problems. If we weren't arguing we had nothing to say to each other. We both decided the five week trip would be a good opportunity to try living apart for a while. He thought it was what we needed to get us back on track but I wasn’t so sure.

I really didn't go with any other intention than working hard to make the new office successful ....and maybe to get some much needed sun after yet another appalling British summer.

Iona had already been out there for a month and she arranged for Chris and myself to travel out there together to join her. I had wanted to travel alone as I needed the space. The thought of making small talk with a stranger for twenty-two hours filled me with dread. Iona had already booked the flights and accommodation though, so there was nothing I could do.

I remember going to the airport early and checking in quickly so that I wouldn't have to sit with him! But I hadn't been in the gold lounge for long before he found me!! I immediately felt guilty because he asked me very pleasantly if I wanted to be alone or if he could join me. Of course, I couldn't say no to the latter and actually to my shame, we hit it off straight away.

Our flight was delayed for a couple of hours and in that time, I had him opening up about all sorts of things - including how his marriage was in trouble. I recognised a lot of what he was saying from what was going on in my own life and threw in my twopenny advice. He told me that he had never met anyone he could speak to so openly before. In a last minute rush then, we got his seat changed so that he could be next to me and we had a great flight together. I've never known time to go so quickly. We talked and laughed and found we had a lot in common. It was just so easy and I really enjoyed being with him.

It was evening when we got to Sydney and there was a message at the hotel from Iona saying that she had to meet an important contact and couldn't join us so we had a lovely dinner on our own. By the end of the meal, I had told him all about the problems in my marriage. I never do that - I don't tell anyone anything about myself but with him I felt that he genuinely wanted to know and it felt good opening up to him.

We had arrived on the Saturday and got stuck into work pretty much straight away. On the Wednesday, we had got back to the hotel late after entertaining potential clients and gone to our rooms. I had just showered and got into bed when there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find him standing there with a couple of miniature bottles of brandy from his mini bar. "I can't sleep" he said, in his gorgeous Scots accent "You don't fancy a drink do you?" And so he came in and we did, in fact, talk for quite a while. He was sitting on my bed and then suddenly he just moved towards me and kissed me. He told me he had wanted to do that since the first moment he saw me and that's how it started, in earnest.

We spent all our time out of work together which meant we got very little sleep. Because I was able to talk to him so freely, I told him all my fantasies - things I had never even told Ewan. As a result, the sex was amazing. But more than that it was just lovely being so close to someone.

It's simple things that make my heart race when I think back to that time. We went to the beach one weekend and he had gone off to get ice creams and I just remember watching him walking back to me, his shirt completely unbuttoned, revealing that amazing body. His soft, soft skin looked so brown against that white shirt..... I still feel light-headed thinking about how much I wanted him at that moment.

As the weeks went by, we knew that at the end of it we would both go back to our partners. It was understood but it just made our time together so much more precious.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

The First Affair

I was looking forward to getting in to work and logging on today and ...sure enough, there was an email from young Matt. If I had any doubts that I may have been reading too much into yesterday's exchange, they were certainly erased by the message that greeted me today ...
"OK am going to take a risk here that you may never speak to me again but when I went home yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about you and how gorgeous and funny you are. Don't suppose you fancy engaging on a passionate journey into sensual pleasure with me, do you????"

I should be shocked and outraged that he dares to try it on with me but I feel exhilarated, which is just so ridiculous. I decided the sensible thing to do would be not to reply, or at least delay I don't look too eager!

This is very dangerous territory. If I step into this, it could be a harmless online flirtation or it could end up becoming a full-blown affair and that is something I can't let happen.....not again.

I've been married nearly twenty years and in that time I have already had two affairs. God, I feel cheap just writing that. What sort of woman does that make me?

The first one happened eight years into the marriage. It wasn't the easiest of times as Ewan was always working late and seemed to have lost interest in me. One evening, we went to a party together that was full of beautiful media people and I had made a bit of an effort. It was a good do and the drink was flowing and I was introduced to an actor called Ollie. He was probably the best looking man I had/have ever met - tall, slim, dark hair, green piercing eyes and sexy stubble. Absolutely, stunningly gorgeous and he so knew it. He started chatting me up straight away and although I pretended not to be interested and kept reminding him that I was married, I was LOVING the attention! He told me that before the end of the week we would be sleeping together and I told him to dream on, On the way home, I told Ewan that he fancied me and just he just laughed it off!!! That could have been a trigger, I don't know.

A few days later, Ollie called me at work - said he had got the number from a mutual friend. In just a matter of minutes it was clear exactly what he wanted. I made him pursue me over a short period of time but I always knew were it was going. He called me several times a day until eventually, I agreed to meet him for lunch. We did that a couple of times and then my resolve failed and I went back to his flat and spent a glorious afternoon with him. I should have felt guilty but it felt amazing being with someone who was so accomplished in bed. We got together a few times after that and then he just lost interest which made me feel faintly ridiculous for allowing myself to become just another of his many women and for not being able to keep him wanting me.

Ewan never knew and in a strange way it made things better for a while as it rekindled our sexual relationship. The guilt did kick in for a bit and I tried to be a better, more supportive wife but we soon settled back into our rut.

And that is probably why I was always going to stray again.

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Day After

I came into work to a really sweet email today. One of the guys from the singing group, Matt, sent me a message saying he hoped I was OK, as they were all concerned that I had gone straight home after yesterday's events rather than join them for the usual drinks. He went on to say that he thought the "esteemed" MD was in fact "a rude tosser" ! That made me smile. He said he thought I had a beautiful voice and that in fact, none of the others could understand why he should say what he did and that they really hoped I didn't stop coming as a result as it would be a real loss to the group.

I have to say that made me feel a bit better but I still feel pretty embarrassed that Mr MD called my voice boring. BORING!?! I feel like one of those sad losers on The X-Factor who come on proclaiming they are the next Madonna, only to be laughed off by the judges.

Matt's message was lovely but I'm very confused now. It might be best to give it a rest for a while. I said that in my reply but he immediately answered that I mustn't give up singing. He went on to say that he would miss seeing my "beautiful smiling face" if I stopped going. That came as a bit of a surprise I must say - a bit of a weird thing to say.

He's nice, Matt. One of the younger memmbers of the group. He's always very friendly and quite entertaining when we all go off for drinks. He's made me laugh out loud with some of his stories. He's quite good looking - very self assured. We sang a duet in in show a few years ago and I remember really looking forward to our rehearsals together. He's got a young girlfriend, Kelly, who he started to bring along to the group recently. She's beautiful! Long blonde hair, tiny waist, flat bronzed toned stomach (which often seems to be on display!) and legs up to her neck!! She's very quiet though and difficult to engage with. I tried talking to her when she first joined but found her a bit aloof so stopped bothering. Matt's very sweet with her though - always holding her hand and checking she's OK. She's a lucky girl! I almost mourn for the days when Ewan was like that with me.

Anyway, Matt and myself ended up having quite an email exchange today and by the end of play, I was quite excited. He told that he's always liked me and was often disappointed when I didn't turn up for a group event. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I think he may quite fancy me. Ewan always laughs at me when I say things like that - tells me that I think everyone fancies me which I dont, although I am quite flirtatious and I know that men enjoy my company. Let's see! If he sends me an email tomorrow, I'll know I'm right!

Oh, what am I saying? Maybe my hormones are playing up. The trouble is, I know that I invest a lot of my self esteem in being appreciated/fancied/loved by men. Does that mean I could possibly be turning into one of those sad, middle-aged women who hit on young men? God, I really hope not!

Friday, 22 August 2008


So now I've set out my life as it stands at the moment with all the key characters explained, I suppose I should just get on with the business of journaling. I feel apprehensive about it. Maybe because I haven't really got anything of interest to say.

Well, here goes......Last night, I went to my singing group. They meet up most weeks (though I can't always make it regularly) and if we're not rehearsing for one of the twice-yearly shows - a "musical extravaganza" at Christmas and a cabaret in the summer - we get together for workshops or just the chance to sing together as a group.

I've been with them for about six years. I had watched their shows for years before and then I finally took the plunge and decided to join up. I'm so glad I did - I love it and the group seem to like me. They've been very complementary about my voice and my style and audience reaction has also always been very favourable. Singing is such an amazing release and I always feel good afterwards.

They're an OK bunch of people I suppose, though I could write a book about the goings on there. I still feel very much a newcomer as they have been together for decades. Some are married to each other, some are having illicit affairs with each other, some are divorced from each other - all very weird. On the whole though they’re a sociable lot. We usually go off to the pub at the end of the evening and they invite me to their various parties celebrating birthdays and anniversaries so it's all very nice but it is the singing that makes me go as often as I can - I love it.

Last night, we had a workshop run by a top Musical Director who has been involved with West End shows, etc. I was really looking forward to it. Who wouldn't? Getting advice from a professional who has worked with the best ??

It's never good to look forward to something too much though. Right from the start, I got the feeling that he didn't want to be there. He went round the room listening to each person sing their chosen song and then, in his very bored way, he would tell them what worked and what didn't. And then it was my turn.

I had chosen "I Could Have Danced All Night" which had got me a standing ovation at our last show but I had barely started singing when he stopped me and told me to start it again and this time to think about the words. I was a bit surprised but I went back to the beginning and once more, he stopped me after just a few lines and said "I'm really sorry, but I think your voice is very boring." It felt as if he had slapped me across the face - I was so shocked. I think the rest of the group were too as there was an audible gasp. I didn't really know what to do and then he said
"You may as well sing it now but people, there's really no point in coming up here with your music if you can't find any passion inside you to invest in your song." I felt completely deflated then - I just wanted to go home but before I could move, he was playing the intro again so I just sang it. Probably the worst performance I've ever given - EVER! But the group were so sweet - they all clapped very loudly.

He wasn't horrible to anyone else after that and I can't think why he chose to pick on me. But needless to say, I went home full of self-doubt. Why did I ever think I can sing? I feel such a fool !

Thursday, 21 August 2008

Mimi - The Mother

Where do I start on the subject of my mother?

I tolerate her but deep down she drives me mad. Really mad. I'm sure my life would be better if she wasn't in it but a part of me worries that if she wasn't around, I wouldn't be able to function. How unhealthy is that? She has possessed me from the moment I was born.

Such a difficult woman - I don't know how my father lived with her for all those years but I know he loved her passionately and he never let me stay angry with her when she upset me. He loved me more but for all her temper, he never fell out of love with her.

He was ten years older than her and he met her when she was just seventeen and fell in love with her at once. He often told me about that party and how his heart started racing when she walked in with her friends. He said she looked older than her years in her white high-heeled boots and the little shift dress and her beehive hair and heavily-kohled eyes. He was completely smitten and she was flattered by the attention of this older and in her eyes, sophisticated man.

They married two years later and throughout their life together she behaved like a spoilt child who he indulged. Everything had to go her way and in their arguments, she wouldn't relent until he gave way. Oh, how I wished he would stand his ground with her but he never did....because he loved her and didn't want her to be unhappy. And she knew that and took full advantage of it.

When I came along, she was just twenty but she was obsessed with me. She didn't sleep or eat but just watched me constantly at the cost of her own health. She went down to just six stone in weight and then the doctor told my dad that she needed to put me in a nursery and get a job otherwise she would go mad. So she found a childminder and started working as a secretary at the local driving school. It was ridiculous because most of the pittance she earned went on childcare and the rest of it was her pocket money that she spent mainly on beautiful little dresses for me. I was like her doll.

One day when I was seven, she came to collect me after work and I cried because I wasn't ready to go home. She shouted at me all the way back to the house for that and when we got in through the door, she hit me. I still remember the physical and emotional pain of that strike and I never forgave her for it. She got another job soon after that and arranged for a neighbour to look after me for an hour after school finished, instead of the childminder.

I had to live up to her expectations - high grades, good behaviour, clean appearance. I learnt that if I did what she wanted, life was OK. If I didn't, I always felt she would withdraw her love. Even now, I still have that fear although part of me wishes she would, so that we could live apart from each other.

She came to live with us after my father died. She talks of him with great affection, about the wonderful times she had with him, about how much she misses his love. One of these days, I will lose it and scream at her that she made his life hell and that she didn't deserve him.....or maybe I won't, as I haven't all these years.

As the years go by, she is becoming almost impossible to live with as everything has to be done her way. She thinks she has the right to say what she wants, when she wants, to who she wants. It's as if she prizes that devil in her. It amuses her to let it slowly take over as she gets older. She thinks she has the right to goad and manipulate those around her and now at this stage in my life, I am finding it quite draining.

I blame her for the way I am. I know it's because of her that I cannot feel, though I can't explain how. I just know that it is because of her that I don't have any deep connection to anything, in a real way. I think I just go through life pretending to emotions that don't exist.

What on earth does that make me and would it suddenly change if she wasn't around?

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Sasha and Kyle - The Children

I've already said I'm incredibly proud of them but I wonder.... I really wonder if I have been a good enough mother to them.

I am incredibly strict and expect them to behave in a certain way which they have done. Maybe I have inhibited them as a result. They seem fairly normal but who knows what they really go through.

Sometimes Sasha's eyes look very puffy and I don't know anything about why and I can tell she's not inclined to share the burdens in her life but we have the same sense of humour and many times when we talk we end up laughing and laughing until we cry. She is so sensible and I hope we end up as good friends as she is so wise and it will be her telling me what to do for the best very soon.

As for my son, I love him so much. He will always be my child though. I can't imagine him advising me on anything although he is incredibly intelligent and so I guess he will but I can't see a day when I won't be looking out for him.

How did I create such gorgeous children and why do I hold back from loving them completely? That is what makes me abnormal. That makes me a freak. A mother is supposed to love her children totally, beyond life itself. And yet, I don't know if I do. I can't imagine a world without them and I have such strong emotions for them but I think something isn't there.

I shout a lot at them - sometimes it's for no real reason. I think I yell because deep down, my life feels like it's in a mess and I have no control.

I hate myself I think - that's the real problem. If that's the case, how can I love anyone else...or expect them to love me

Friday, 15 August 2008

Ewan - The Husband

Ours was a bit of a whirlwind romance. I'd had a few dates since splitting up with Lee but nothing that changed my opinion that all men were just out for themselves. And then, I went to my friend's 25th birthday party and met Ewan, one of her colleagues.

I noticed him looking over at me almost as soon as I arrived and he wasn't unattractive - tall and broad.....looked like a rugby player! I tried to ignore him but everytime I glanced over, he was looking and smiling. Something drew me to him so after a few drinks I went over to him and we hit it off straight away. He had a kind face with lovely brown eyes and a boyish smile and he just seemed different to anyone else I had met. This was no Jack-the-lad but a really warm man who seemed genuinely interested in everything I had to say. He wasn't setting out to impress but I could still tell he liked me.

We arranged to meet the next day and then saw each other all the time over the next week - it was just so easy being with him. By the Friday, he told me he loved me but even though I was having the time of my life and loving all the attention and affection, I stayed cool. I refused to let myself be swept off my feet, even though it would have been the easiest thing in the world. By the following Friday, he asked me to marry him and because I knew I wouldn't find another man like him; no one who would love me so sincerely; no one who wanted to make me happy like he did; no one who kissed me so tenderly but with real passion and desire. Because of all of that, I said yes and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do. By then he was pretty much my best friend (after just two weeks!) and it didn't matter that I wasn't allowing myself to fall in love with him - I knew I wanted to be his wife and I vowed to be a good one, to never let him regret marrying me even though I couldn't say the words "I love you".

We had a huge wedding just six months later - big church, big dress, big cake - the works. It was a great day and his speech was so beautiful and full of love. I couldn't quite believe I was with a man who was so happy to have found me.

For the first few years, he was very attentive and so proud of me. All my friends loved him to bits and thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. And I did my part too. We bought an old run-down house and together we renovated it and brought it back to its former glory. And then we spent all our time entertaining - inviting others to share our happy life.

After two years, we thought the time was right for children and I got pregnant straight away but at four months I had a miscarriage. I felt such a failure and I guess that's when things changed a bit. He was still attentive but he was keen to get on with the business of starting a family and he couldn't understand why I was scared to get pregnant again, especially as the doctor had reassured us that it wasn't likely to happen again.

The next two years were difficult but eventually I caved in and Sasha arrived followed almost immediately by Kyle the following year. Things were different then. We were both completely besotted with our children and everything we did revolved around them. His affection for me diminished noticeably as he lavished it on both of them. I compensated by giving them all my time too. We settled into a comfortable family routine together - what some people may call a rut - and the years went by.

He did well at work getting regular promotions but it meant he stayed at the office longer. And then we hit a really rough patch when he started drinking too much because of the stress. I kind of lost him then, I think, even though we got through it. His love for the children made him realise the error of his ways and he got back on track but I felt responsible for that wobble. Maybe I should have been more supportive, looked after him more. He told me often during that period that he was tired of trying to break down my walls and though I told him not to be stupid, I knew full well what he meant.

We've got by since then. Living together, looking out for each other - to the outside world it looks good and actually, I suppose it is. Can any marriage hope for more after nearly twenty years?

The thing is, although we are still together, he is, in a sense, only on the sidelines of my life. We share a bed and eat meals together and talk about stuff but what I've realised recently is that he is excluded from my innermost thoughts. Even so, although I know don't need him in my life, I don't want to be without him. In fact, I can barely remember life without him.

Is that love?

Thursday, 14 August 2008

Selina - Who Is She?

Forty four years on this planet and what have I achieved?

Well I have two gorgeous teenagers - my daughter Sasha who is sixteen and beautiful, and my son Kyle who is fifteen and a heart-breaker. They're good kids and I'm proud of them. She goes to a drama school and is a fantastically talented actress and musician and he is very academic and goes to a grammar school in the next town were he beat thousands to a place there. I am in awe of both of them and their talents but I'm a pretty strict mum and can't abide bad behaviour. I do lavish praise on them though - I do.

I work in PR - always have done. Been with the same company forever and worked my way up to a pretty good position there. It sounds like a glamorous life as I organise big events, news conferences, film premieres and celebrity publicity. The job involves a lot of travel and shmoozing and I'm good at it but I have to admit that as much fun as that sounds, I'm bored of it. I don't know what else to do though so I just carry on in the hope that something better will come along ...but I guess it won't if I don't look for it!

I've been in love just once in my life and not with my lovely husband Ewan. I do adore him though and would be very alone without him in my life. We've been married for nearly twenty years and he's very easy-going and puts up with me. We have our ups and downs but he is basically a good man, which is all any woman can ask for.

It was the relationship I had before I met him that nearly finished me off. The one where I fell totally head over heels in love. I spent two years with Lee and when that ended suddenly, I really thought there was no point in carrying on. The rejection was so painful and even now, I would rather cut off my right arm slowly then watch my daughter go through that inevitable heartache. It happens to us all though and maybe it's an important part of our journey through life, who knows.

I've watched friends go through the same thing and have marvelled at how they have picked themselves up and then allow themselves to fall the next time. I didn't do that. I vowed that no one would make me feel so unhappy again - that I would never allow myself to let a man make me lose control, ever. And with Ewan, I haven't. I love sharing my life with him but if he were to walk out tomorrow, I would be able to carry on. Sure it wouldn't be easy but I wouldn't be broken like I was all those years ago. Mind you, I have come close to feeling like that because although I have been a good wife, I haven't been a faithful one ....but more of that another time, maybe.

What else? Oh who knows? My time is spent working and looking after the family, including my mother Mimi who came to live with us after my dearest, darling dad died ten years ago. I still miss him desperately - the only person I ever really spoke to and even when I kept quiet, he understood. No brothers and sisters so Mum came to live with us. We get on fine but only because I don't allow myself to get riled by her very extreme views on life and because I gave over the running of my house to her and because I allow her to shout at me for no other reason than it seems to give meaning to her life.

I don't do much else, except singing! That's my passion. I would have pursued it as a career. either as a performer or a teacher, but my mother frowned upon the idea. That's why I was so keen to encourage and support my daughter when she started to display her clear talents. For me now, it's just something I do in what spare time I have. But if I'm honest, it's the only time I ever really feel alive.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

And So It Starts ...

FORTY! Life begins??

Not so sure about that but I thought it would at least be a good excuse to start my online journal. I used to keep a hand-written diary but it's very difficult to keep anything hidden in a house with two teenagers, a husband and a mother so I got out of the habit. Even when I do write in it, it is all kept very sterile to save the feelings of any of the above!

I really don't know why I think putting it online for the world to see means I can be as open as I like, but it seems a good idea for now! We'll see how things go.

I think the truth of why I'm really writing this now is that I'm actually a bit depressed. Only I know that though because to the world I'm great fun. I laugh at everything and have a great sense of humour, apparently. People tell me they love being with me. I'm also a good listener and very compassionate and I've done counselling training so lots of friends open up to me and tell me their deepest, darkest secrets which they know will never go any further.

But although I have a large circle of friends, I have no one really close to me that I can open up to. Well that's not strictly true. I'm sure I could turn to any of them if I wanted to but I don't...or at least, I can't. I don't want to give anyone that power, I suppose. So that's why I've decided to write this. Cheaper than session after session with a shrink which I think is basically what I really need!

So I guess, if I'm going to be open and honest and make this work for me, I should start by admitting here and now that ..........I'm not actually forty! In fact I've been 39 now for the last 5 years! But I can't just come out and say I'm forty-four as it sounds SO old!

The stupid thing is, that even when I say I'm 39, it is often greeted with oohs and aahs and open-mouthed disbelief followed by some sort of comment like "I would have put you in your early thirties - you look amAzing!!" Obviously, I LOVE hearing that and I suppose it's true enough. Thanks to my mother's genes, I don't look my age. Good skin with no real lines yet; long brown hair that's still fairly shiny and not too grey; tall enough to carry the excess weight that I have accumulated over the years and sensible enough to dress in a hopefully elegant way that hides those extra rolls but hints at the curves that are still there.

Even so, I can't say 44....I just can't !

Oh dear, there are so many issues to work through !!! I do hope this works ....