Wednesday, 19 November 2008

The Morning After

The morning after visiting Matt's flat last week, I woke up feeling incredibly guilty. What was I thinking? Even before getting out of bed, I had decided there could be no more.

I had a text from him fairly early on asking how I was but I ignored it. When I got to work, there was an email from him which I didn't reply to but when I got another one in the afternoon asking if I was OK and why wasn't I talking to him I suddenly felt guilty and so I replied, apologising for taking so long to answer. He's not stupid though and guessed that I was suffering from an "emotional hangover". I told him he was right and he said he would back off and leave me to sort out my head but that he was always there and waiting if I ever wanted to indulge in more "fun".

So here I am again. Why I am doing this? Each time I've had any contact with him over the week, I've realised that I don't think I even like him that much as a person - he's not someone I can have deep conversations with. In fact, I mostly seem to listen to him and what he's been up to. I tell him very little about myself, mainly by choice, but he doesn't seem particularly interested either. But, I do find him incredibly attractive ....and I'm flattered that he is interested in me. Maybe that's the reason.

I wonder though if this is more about proving to myself that I can stay in control which I didn't with Chris, who has been on my mind so much recently. It's probably easier that I can't talk to Matt with the same ease or that my stomach doesn't flip when I think of how he kissed me or held me or that he knows very little about me. I know that he was extremely turned on that night but that does nothing for me either. So even if I do manage to stay in control this time around, it won't mean anything because I haven't really fallen.

Part of me wants to make him to be desperate for me the way I was desperate for Chris. For some reason, I need to feel that I'm capable of doing this and then walking away untouched, which makes me sound so cruel.

I think I'm going to suffer for this. If he now loses interest in me though, I want it to be because he couldn't get anywhere. Not because he walked away from me - that's what I can't cope with. This has to be on MY terms - it has to be.

The best thing, of course, is to simply stay away.

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