The First Affair

I was looking forward to getting in to work and logging on today and ...sure enough, there was an email from young Matt. If I had any doubts that I may have been reading too much into yesterday's exchange, they were certainly erased by the message that greeted me today ...
"OK am going to take a risk here that you may never speak to me again but when I went home yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about you and how gorgeous and funny you are. Don't suppose you fancy engaging on a passionate journey into sensual pleasure with me, do you????"

I should be shocked and outraged that he dares to try it on with me but I feel exhilarated, which is just so ridiculous. I decided the sensible thing to do would be not to reply, or at least delay it...so I don't look too eager!

This is very dangerous territory. If I step into this, it could be a harmless online flirtation or it could end up becoming a full-blown affair and that is something I can't let happen.....not again.

I've been married nearly twenty years and in that time I have already had two affairs. God, I feel cheap just writing that. What sort of woman does that make me?

The first one happened eight years into the marriage. It wasn't the easiest of times as Ewan was always working late and seemed to have lost interest in me. One evening, we went to a party together that was full of beautiful media people and I had made a bit of an effort. It was a good do and the drink was flowing and I was introduced to an actor called Ollie. He was probably the best looking man I had/have ever met - tall, slim, dark hair, green piercing eyes and sexy stubble. Absolutely, stunningly gorgeous and he so knew it. He started chatting me up straight away and although I pretended not to be interested and kept reminding him that I was married, I was LOVING the attention! He told me that before the end of the week we would be sleeping together and I told him to dream on, On the way home, I told Ewan that he fancied me and just he just laughed it off!!! That could have been a trigger, I don't know.

A few days later, Ollie called me at work - said he had got the number from a mutual friend. In just a matter of minutes it was clear exactly what he wanted. I made him pursue me over a short period of time but I always knew were it was going. He called me several times a day until eventually, I agreed to meet him for lunch. We did that a couple of times and then my resolve failed and I went back to his flat and spent a glorious afternoon with him. I should have felt guilty but it felt amazing being with someone who was so accomplished in bed. We got together a few times after that and then he just lost interest which made me feel faintly ridiculous for allowing myself to become just another of his many women and for not being able to keep him wanting me.

Ewan never knew and in a strange way it made things better for a while as it rekindled our sexual relationship. The guilt did kick in for a bit and I tried to be a better, more supportive wife but we soon settled back into our rut.

And that is probably why I was always going to stray again.

Singing

So now I've set out my life as it stands at the moment with all the key characters explained, I suppose I should just get on with the business of journaling. I feel apprehensive about it. Maybe because I haven't really got anything of interest to say.

Well, here goes......Last night, I went to my singing group. They meet up most weeks (though I can't always make it regularly) and if we're not rehearsing for one of the twice-yearly shows - a "musical extravaganza" at Christmas and a cabaret in the summer - we get together for workshops or just the chance to sing together as a group.

I've been with them for about six years. I had watched their shows for years before and then I finally took the plunge and decided to join up. I'm so glad I did - I love it and the group seem to like me. They've been very complementary about my voice and my style and audience reaction has also always been very favourable. Singing is such an amazing release and I always feel good afterwards.

They're an OK bunch of people I suppose, though I could write a book about the goings on there. I still feel very much a newcomer as they have been together for decades. Some are married to each other, some are having illicit affairs with each other, some are divorced from each other - all very weird. On the whole though they’re a sociable lot. We usually go off to the pub at the end of the evening and they invite me to their various parties celebrating birthdays and anniversaries so it's all very nice but it is the singing that makes me go as often as I can - I love it.

Last night, we had a workshop run by a top Musical Director who has been involved with West End shows, etc. I was really looking forward to it. Who wouldn't? Getting advice from a professional who has worked with the best ??

It's never good to look forward to something too much though. Right from the start, I got the feeling that he didn't want to be there. He went round the room listening to each person sing their chosen song and then, in his very bored way, he would tell them what worked and what didn't. And then it was my turn.

I had chosen "I Could Have Danced All Night" which had got me a standing ovation at our last show but I had barely started singing when he stopped me and told me to start it again and this time to think about the words. I was a bit surprised but I went back to the beginning and once more, he stopped me after just a few lines and said "I'm really sorry, but I think your voice is very boring." It felt as if he had slapped me across the face - I was so shocked. I think the rest of the group were too as there was an audible gasp. I didn't really know what to do and then he said
"You may as well sing it now but people, there's really no point in coming up here with your music if you can't find any passion inside you to invest in your song." I felt completely deflated then - I just wanted to go home but before I could move, he was playing the intro again so I just sang it. Probably the worst performance I've ever given - EVER! But the group were so sweet - they all clapped very loudly.

He wasn't horrible to anyone else after that and I can't think why he chose to pick on me. But needless to say, I went home full of self-doubt. Why did I ever think I can sing? I feel such a fool !