I'm bored this week.
Matt is away ski-ing with Kelly. He's texted me a few times but I haven't replied. I don't like the thought of them together on holiday and I don't like that I don't like it.
I don't encourage him to talk about her because I don't want to know about their relationship, just as I don't tell him anything about me and Ewan. But he is very dismissive of her and I think that's what I dislike about him so much. It doesn't work on any level - if he doesn't like her that much then why is he with her, if he does like her why is he cheating on her. The thing is, I know that whatever he says he clearly does like her. I saw them both together at the singing group last week and they really do make a stunning couple.
I don't know why I still go to that group - I might stop soon as it's losing its appeal which is strange, as there was a time not too long ago, when singing was the only thing I really enjoyed. My life's gone cold though. That's what it feels like - nothing seems to touch me at the moment. I wonder if I'm heading for some sort of breakdown.
Anyway, I didn't really talk to him while we were there but he came over to join a conversation I was having with one of the women and she pounced on him.
"Oh Matt" she purred "Kelly's just shown me the necklace you bought her for Valentine's Day - it's gorgeous. A real diamond! She's a lucky girl. Is this leading up to something big. One to match for her left hand maybe?"
He laughed it off but I could see he looked anxious at my reaction. I just kept smiling though and looked over at Kelly's gorgeous, slender neck and saw that indeed there was a sparkling stone shining out from the hollow between her collar bones. Again, I don't know why I should be so bothered. She is his girlfriend for goodness sake! But since then, I can't stop thinking about how he would have surprised her with it, how she would have squealed with delight, how they would have gone on to have fabulous sex ......god, I've got to stop this. It's driving me mad!
I need to claim my life back. Work helps with that. I got back on top of things during our "break" but again it holds no challenge, no excitement and I'm aware I've been very snappy with everyone. I've become so different. I'm known for being the life and soul, the one with the loud laugh and now I'm just cross and moody all the time. I think I am losing it.
I need to choose to be a happy person again or it might never happen. The trouble is, my life at the moment feels it has no purpose - it's just there to be got through.
I commit the unpardonable sin
5 days ago