I feel a lot better now. I took a few days off work for some serious me-time and went off for a massage and a facial and some retail therapy - all in a bid to make myself feel good again and I think, to some extent, it's done the trick. Today, I'm back at work and I feel more focused again.
It's been a week or so since Matt's email, which was in fact what triggered this little blue period off. Bizarrely, while I was catching up with the last few days of work, an email from him suddenly popped up which came as a bit of a surprise:
"So I guess no reply from you means I've caused general offence. I'm really sorry if that's the case. I shouldn't have been so presumptuous. I'd hate to think you were angry with me. What can I do to make it right?"
I don't know why but that made me smile. It was quite sweet that he was so concerned. I messaged him back at once saying not to be silly and that I wasn't angry but that I had been very busy and a bit under the weather. He messaged back to check that I was OK and that led to a day of email exchange. It made me feel really good actually. After feeling so low and slightly worthless thinking about the way Chris had treated me, it felt great flirting online with young Matt.
This time though I stay in control. His last message today was sent late afternoon reminding me that I hadn't made it to his flatwarming earlier in the year and would I like a private viewing! I decided to call a halt then and didn't reply but only because I want to leave him wanting more.
I'm happy to play this game I think, but I do it on my terms. I'm not going to let myself get drawn into anything heavy - I just want some fun. The trouble is I embark on these things in the name of "fun", even though I know that is the last thing it will turn out to be. I think I am constantly searching for a holiday from reality.
Whatever the reason though, I do know that I need to prove to myself that I can have a relationship with a man and that I can be the one with the power - that I decide whether to start it, continue it or end it.