So This Is Christmas

It's been an interesting Christmas season - most of it spent with Matt.

That first time with him was amazing and had such an effect on me. I couldn't stop thinking about him afterwards. That same evening he texted me telling me that he couldn't get me out if his head or stop remembering the feel of me.

Even after the family were back, when I should have at least tried to put him out of my mind, I told them I needed a long bath and spent an hour in the hot, steamy tub engaging in sex text with him. Never done that before although he's clearly practised at that particular art ....and it was fun.

We agreed to meet the following day and on the way back from work I stopped at the car park of the local woodlands where he was waiting and we spent an interesting hour in his car. It's a long time since I've done that and it was quite entertaining though not something I want to do too often - I'm far too old for that sort of thing and if I'm honest, there was something vaguely seedy about it. He enjoyed it though!

At this time of year, I am invited to some pretty high-profile Christmas parties because of my job and I usually have to go to them as it's the thing to do. They're all the same though and no amount of celebrities can take away from the fact that actually no matter how great the venue or how much food and drink is sloshing around, doing it all the time and having the same boring conversations is dull. However, this year they have provided the perfect excuse for me. My family have expected me to be out every night and so after an initial appearance right at the start of each one, I have left early and gone straight round to Matt's flat.

I should feel guilty but I can't. I've been justifying my actions by deciding that I have to do what I want for a change. I just want to be able to breeze down the street, smiling at the world ...because I'm happy! And I have been. I've definitely been walking along with a spring in my step. These things can never last - I know that - but it's a long time since I have felt so alive. Sex with him is so fantastic. It's been wonderful having someone discover me again and for me to take time giving him such obvious pleasure. Marital sex is OK, of course it is, but it has become so practised and routine with Ewan because we just go straight to what we know we both like. It's almost functional.

So in these last few weeks all has been good and I feel like a teenager. I keep letting my thoughts drift to Matt and what he does to me, especially when I'm stuck in meetings that seem to go on for what seems like an eternity. And I love that he just wants to be with me all the time. Even on Christmas Day, he texted me to tell me he was at the bottom of my road and had to see me. I grabbed an envelope and shouted that I had forgotten to drop in a Christmas card to old Eileen in the next street and ran to meet him. How risky was that? But thrilling nonetheless and I was so pleased that he wanted to see me, even on such a big day.

However, last night, I got a bit of a reality check. It was the first time after Christmas that I had been able to meet him and I told the family that I needed to pop round to see a friend who had been ill and I wanted to take some cake over. Soon after, I was in his bedroom. But just after I got there his phone rang and it was Kelly. Even though he went into his sitting room to take the call, I could hear that it was a difficult conversation and that she was clearly upset. He calmed her down and then I heard him telling her that it would be OK, he would get away from his friends as soon as possible and be round to her place in about an hour and make everything all right..... and that he loved her.

When he came back in the bedroom, he tossed the phone into the corner and jumped on the bed and started kissing me. I told him I thought he had said he was going to see her and he said he would but he had important business to finish here first. Suddenly, I felt uncomfortable, angry even. I got up and told him that actually, I had to leave. I knew he was shocked and even I didn't really know what was going on but I just wanted to get out of there. He tried to pull me back asking what was wrong but I left pretty sharpish and went straight home.

He kept texting through the evening asking what was wrong and what he had done and eventually I replied telling him that he made me feel cheap. That was it. I heard nothing from him after that and today he hasn't been in touch.

I think I've blown it.