I've been trying to get on with things and put all this out of my head but it's hard as I keep thinking of him, even though I don't really want to.
In a strange way, I am actually relieved that it's over but it's not a good feeling. At least the weird agony that came from me depending on him to make me feel good has gone. I have resigned myself to no more emails or texts and so I can stop myself getting excited when I hear the phone beep. I do keep hoping for something though because that would show then that he is missing me and that I did have an effect on his life. Maybe that would make me feel better. I wouldn't reply - it would just make me feel less ....rejected.
In fact, I would like to think that he was feeling really bad about all this and that he knows he brought it on himself with his bizarre change of behaviour towards me. I still don't really understand why he went cold all of a sudden. And if I'm honest, I'm disappointed that he just agreed to finish this without any fight at all. It was almost as if he was relieved. He did let slip once, when we were in bed and he was stroking my hair away from my face, that he was really scared this was going to end soon and that everytime he got a text or an email from me, he expected to read that it was over. That might be the reason he had such a ready response about quitting while ahead but I suspect he was just suddenly bored with it all and so happy to let it go.
I have just re-read the letter he wrote me though. It seemed really heartfelt. But then again, he's a bloke. Who knows whether they ever mean what they say.
Oh, what a bizarre few months!! His interest in me came completely out of the blue. It happened so quick and now it's over. It made me feel young again and attractive but now it's made me feel inexplicably sad. I think I handled myself well though. I pretty much kept to the rules I set myself after the whole Chris debacle - not losing control (much !), not giving anything away, not being too clingy. But then again, I wasn't completely besotted this time round, like I was then - just keen to see how things would unfold. And now I know.
I will get over this and but I guess I've got a couple of shit weeks ahead.
I commit the unpardonable sin
5 days ago