I Have No Idea Why I Am Doing This

Last night was our singing workshop. It was also the night I agreed to "pop round" to Matt's flat. I tried to get out of it over the week but he managed to persuade me to stick to the original plan and in the end, it went exactly as I knew it would.

I tried not to think about my plans for the evening and went through the motions of my day at work almost on auto-pilot. I ignored most of his messages during the day, just sending him one to say I would nip round to his flat before heading off to the workshop.

I went home at the usual time, showered, changed into jeans, put on a little make-up, kissed Ewan goodbye, told him I didn't know how late I'd be and headed off to the singing group as I so often do.

Only this time I didn't go straight there. This time, I did indeed stop off at Matt's flat.
He buzzed me in and I took the lift to the eighth floor just as he'd explained. For a fleeting second, I almost didn't step out but the moment passed and then I was outside his door, which was ajar. I pushed it open and there he was, waiting for me in the hall, looking absolutely gorgeous - I'd almost forgotten just how cute he was, even though it can't have been more than a couple of months since I last saw him! But then, I guess I wasn't looking at him in the same way as I ever had before.

"Hello", he said "Welcome."
I smiled and was aware that my heart was racing. We both knew why I was there but I felt some sort of charade had to be played out.

"This is nice." I said "Show me round then."
So he took me round his small but lovely apartment. He had bought it brand new and he had a beautiful fresh and modern bathroom which I noted was sparkling clean! His kitchen was compact but again, very modern - not so tidy perhaps but there were a few gadgets around that suggested he was a bit of a cook. From there, he showed me into his living room - a big warm space with dark leather furniture and books and CDs and DVDs. I liked it - it was very him. And then, he led me to the bedroom - another big room, with a massive bed and a huge wardrobe.

I took my time as I looked round - opening cupboards and drawers and generally being very nosey. He just watched with a smile on his face. When we got to the bedroom I suddenly felt a bit nervous. There was nowhere else to go - we had been round the whole flat and now here I was leaning against his wardrobe not really knowing what to do next.

"Your flat is lovely." I said. He moved towards me and said "So are you." Suddenly his hands were round my waist and I felt the need to explain. "I don't normally behave like this." but he just shrugged. "It doesn't matter" he replied. "But it does" I said "I dont want you to think I make a habit of this sort of thing. I'm actually really nervous." He took my hand and put it on his chest "There" he said "Can you feel my heart beating - that's nerves!" I could feel a thudding beneath his muscles but before I had chance to register, his mouth was on mine. And that was it.

Suddenly we were kissing passionately and then we were on his bed and I was surprised at just how much I wanted him. But I held back. There was no way I was going to let him go all the way, though I could tell he wanted to and that he was very turned on. Before it all went too far, I pushed him off me and told him we needed to slow down and to give him credit he did, though over the next few minutes while we were talking, he kept kissing me very tenderly.

He's good - very good - certainly knows what he is doing with women. But I'm going to stay in control this time around. I'm going to be the one who calls the shots.

I told him we needed to go so that we wouldn't be too late for the workshop. He did try and persuade me to give it a miss but I was adamant that we should leave. He told me to go ahead as he needed to stay behind for a bit and "sort himself out" !

So, I went on to the group and hardly acknowledged him when he arrived though I noticed my heart racing. Every so often, I would catch his eye but mostly I pretty much ignored him.

When I got home, Ewan was already asleep and as I got into bed beside him, I wondered just when it was that I became so accomplished at deceit.