Singing

So now I've set out my life as it stands at the moment with all the key characters explained, I suppose I should just get on with the business of journaling. I feel apprehensive about it. Maybe because I haven't really got anything of interest to say.

Well, here goes......Last night, I went to my singing group. They meet up most weeks (though I can't always make it regularly) and if we're not rehearsing for one of the twice-yearly shows - a "musical extravaganza" at Christmas and a cabaret in the summer - we get together for workshops or just the chance to sing together as a group.

I've been with them for about six years. I had watched their shows for years before and then I finally took the plunge and decided to join up. I'm so glad I did - I love it and the group seem to like me. They've been very complementary about my voice and my style and audience reaction has also always been very favourable. Singing is such an amazing release and I always feel good afterwards.

They're an OK bunch of people I suppose, though I could write a book about the goings on there. I still feel very much a newcomer as they have been together for decades. Some are married to each other, some are having illicit affairs with each other, some are divorced from each other - all very weird. On the whole though they’re a sociable lot. We usually go off to the pub at the end of the evening and they invite me to their various parties celebrating birthdays and anniversaries so it's all very nice but it is the singing that makes me go as often as I can - I love it.

Last night, we had a workshop run by a top Musical Director who has been involved with West End shows, etc. I was really looking forward to it. Who wouldn't? Getting advice from a professional who has worked with the best ??

It's never good to look forward to something too much though. Right from the start, I got the feeling that he didn't want to be there. He went round the room listening to each person sing their chosen song and then, in his very bored way, he would tell them what worked and what didn't. And then it was my turn.

I had chosen "I Could Have Danced All Night" which had got me a standing ovation at our last show but I had barely started singing when he stopped me and told me to start it again and this time to think about the words. I was a bit surprised but I went back to the beginning and once more, he stopped me after just a few lines and said "I'm really sorry, but I think your voice is very boring." It felt as if he had slapped me across the face - I was so shocked. I think the rest of the group were too as there was an audible gasp. I didn't really know what to do and then he said
"You may as well sing it now but people, there's really no point in coming up here with your music if you can't find any passion inside you to invest in your song." I felt completely deflated then - I just wanted to go home but before I could move, he was playing the intro again so I just sang it. Probably the worst performance I've ever given - EVER! But the group were so sweet - they all clapped very loudly.

He wasn't horrible to anyone else after that and I can't think why he chose to pick on me. But needless to say, I went home full of self-doubt. Why did I ever think I can sing? I feel such a fool !

Selina - Who Is She?

Forty four years on this planet and what have I achieved?

Well I have two gorgeous teenagers - my daughter Sasha who is sixteen and beautiful, and my son Kyle who is fifteen and a heart-breaker. They're good kids and I'm proud of them. She goes to a drama school and is a fantastically talented actress and musician and he is very academic and goes to a grammar school in the next town were he beat thousands to a place there. I am in awe of both of them and their talents but I'm a pretty strict mum and can't abide bad behaviour. I do lavish praise on them though - I do.

I work in PR - always have done. Been with the same company forever and worked my way up to a pretty good position there. It sounds like a glamorous life as I organise big events, news conferences, film premieres and celebrity publicity. The job involves a lot of travel and shmoozing and I'm good at it but I have to admit that as much fun as that sounds, I'm bored of it. I don't know what else to do though so I just carry on in the hope that something better will come along ...but I guess it won't if I don't look for it!

I've been in love just once in my life and not with my lovely husband Ewan. I do adore him though and would be very alone without him in my life. We've been married for nearly twenty years and he's very easy-going and puts up with me. We have our ups and downs but he is basically a good man, which is all any woman can ask for.

It was the relationship I had before I met him that nearly finished me off. The one where I fell totally head over heels in love. I spent two years with Lee and when that ended suddenly, I really thought there was no point in carrying on. The rejection was so painful and even now, I would rather cut off my right arm slowly then watch my daughter go through that inevitable heartache. It happens to us all though and maybe it's an important part of our journey through life, who knows.

I've watched friends go through the same thing and have marvelled at how they have picked themselves up and then allow themselves to fall the next time. I didn't do that. I vowed that no one would make me feel so unhappy again - that I would never allow myself to let a man make me lose control, ever. And with Ewan, I haven't. I love sharing my life with him but if he were to walk out tomorrow, I would be able to carry on. Sure it wouldn't be easy but I wouldn't be broken like I was all those years ago. Mind you, I have come close to feeling like that because although I have been a good wife, I haven't been a faithful one ....but more of that another time, maybe.

What else? Oh who knows? My time is spent working and looking after the family, including my mother Mimi who came to live with us after my dearest, darling dad died ten years ago. I still miss him desperately - the only person I ever really spoke to and even when I kept quiet, he understood. No brothers and sisters so Mum came to live with us. We get on fine but only because I don't allow myself to get riled by her very extreme views on life and because I gave over the running of my house to her and because I allow her to shout at me for no other reason than it seems to give meaning to her life.

I don't do much else, except singing! That's my passion. I would have pursued it as a career. either as a performer or a teacher, but my mother frowned upon the idea. That's why I was so keen to encourage and support my daughter when she started to display her clear talents. For me now, it's just something I do in what spare time I have. But if I'm honest, it's the only time I ever really feel alive.