Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Asking For Trouble

It's been a mega busy time over the last month or so. I've been travelling to and from the US working on some big Anglo/American election events and just when I was back hoping for a quiet time, I found myself involved in the whole Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand fiasco. Can't go into details on that one but it's been fascinating !

Hopefully, it will be calm for a while now. In between working, I've tried to give my family whatever time I've had so they don't feel neglected and now I'm back in the office trying to catch up on all the stuff that has been kept on the backburner. One of them was an email from Matt that he sent a few weeks ago:

So? Are you ever going to accept my invitation to come and have a look round my flat? I'd like you to see it but more than that I want to spend time with you there. Because you see, I can't stop thinking about how your body would feel in my hands and how you would feel wrapped around me.

I was shocked but secretly thrilled when I got it but didn't have the time to respond then, other than to let him know I was out of the country for a while. He replied telling me to get in touch when I was back. Looking at his email again today, I knew I should leave it but I couldn't help myself. Before I knew it, I had pressed SEND and he had an email from me innocently asking how he was. Within seconds he replied saying he had been going out of his mind not knowing what to do with himself because he hadn't heard from me for so long and that, by the way, dreams of me in lying in bed next to him were never far from his thoughts !!

I told him to pack it in and behave himself and he replied that I shouldn't be "so damn sexy". I sent him a firm message back scolding him again and reminding him that I was the married mother of teenagers but he persisted - said he was turned on by my laugh and my smile, my hair, eyes, personality, and my body. "All in all," he wrote "it is an extremely sexy package".

I so want to fight this but I can't. He's very good at this game and I feel weakened. It's easier to play along, isn't it? Even though I had so much to catch up on today, the exchanges continued and by the end of the day, I had agreed to "pop round" to his flat, just before the musical workshop evening that the singing group is putting on.

Oh, what am I doing? Everyone knows that men often stray because they are flattered by female attention. To them it doesn't mean anything because it has nothing to do with what they have at home. I am surprised though that I behave in the same way. I actively seek out flirtations and look for possible encounters in a bid to boost my self esteem but inevitably I feel so much worse, even cheap.

I don't know why I continue to do this - it's really not nice.

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