Wednesday, 13 August 2008

And So It Starts ...

FORTY! Life begins??

Not so sure about that but I thought it would at least be a good excuse to start my online journal. I used to keep a hand-written diary but it's very difficult to keep anything hidden in a house with two teenagers, a husband and a mother so I got out of the habit. Even when I do write in it, it is all kept very sterile to save the feelings of any of the above!

I really don't know why I think putting it online for the world to see means I can be as open as I like, but it seems a good idea for now! We'll see how things go.

I think the truth of why I'm really writing this now is that I'm actually a bit depressed. Only I know that though because to the world I'm great fun. I laugh at everything and have a great sense of humour, apparently. People tell me they love being with me. I'm also a good listener and very compassionate and I've done counselling training so lots of friends open up to me and tell me their deepest, darkest secrets which they know will never go any further.

But although I have a large circle of friends, I have no one really close to me that I can open up to. Well that's not strictly true. I'm sure I could turn to any of them if I wanted to but I don't...or at least, I can't. I don't want to give anyone that power, I suppose. So that's why I've decided to write this. Cheaper than session after session with a shrink which I think is basically what I really need!

So I guess, if I'm going to be open and honest and make this work for me, I should start by admitting here and now that ..........I'm not actually forty! In fact I've been 39 now for the last 5 years! But I can't just come out and say I'm forty-four as it sounds SO old!

The stupid thing is, that even when I say I'm 39, it is often greeted with oohs and aahs and open-mouthed disbelief followed by some sort of comment like "I would have put you in your early thirties - you look amAzing!!" Obviously, I LOVE hearing that and I suppose it's true enough. Thanks to my mother's genes, I don't look my age. Good skin with no real lines yet; long brown hair that's still fairly shiny and not too grey; tall enough to carry the excess weight that I have accumulated over the years and sensible enough to dress in a hopefully elegant way that hides those extra rolls but hints at the curves that are still there.

Even so, I can't say 44....I just can't !

Oh dear, there are so many issues to work through !!! I do hope this works ....

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