Revealing conversations

Matt keeps messaging me. He's asked me if I can take a day off this week to spend with him. I've told him no and I've kept my emails brief, though the messages have been quite flirty I suppose.

He's called me a few times at work too and yesterday, we spent ages on the phone even though I had loads to get on with. He managed to drop in that he's had a relationship with one of the other women in the group - Karen. Like me, she's also much older than him (she's older than me!) and married and when I made that point he told me that's what he prefers. He said that even though he's with Kelly, she is not really his type and that he's always preferred "more mature, more experienced women who know themselves and the world around them better, and who are easier to talk to than an airhead in her 20's who can only talk about her hair and what to wear". He was almost quite brutal about someone who, after all, he has chosen as his girlfriend.
He got together with Karen a couple of years ago during one of the shows where they had to sing a love song together which ended with a kiss. He had suggested they practised and that's how it came about.

I remember at the time that I thought they were together a lot and he always seemed to be giving her a lift to the pub after rehearsals and she was very giggly in his company. She lost a lot of weight over that time which is a trick I seemed to have picked up too - I can't eat at the moment and the pounds seem to be falling off effortlessly....I'm not complaining though !!

It finished because he said he just lost interest fairly soon afterwards and found it difficult to connect with her as a person because they didn't have that much in common. I listened in complete fascination as he carried on talking and I realised that he is such a self-centred person - only concerned with what he wants and what makes him happy.

At the end of the day he sent me an email asking if what he had told me had put me off and when I replied that it didn't make any difference (meaning no because I don't have any intention to have anything more to do with you) he said that was good because he couldn't wait to get his hands and lips on me again. And suddenly, I was excited. Suddenly, I wanted to see him again. Suddenly, I realised that I need adventure in my life. After all, isn't that what everyone wants. I'm not clever enough to be a spy or fit enough to go climb Everest or trek to the North Pole. So my thrills will have to come from a pathetic, illicit affair with someone who I know is going to end up hurting me.

I can try and fight it but maybe I don't want to.