Monday, 1 September 2008

Saying Goodbye

I still can't stop thinking about Chris.

That time in Australia and our relationship meant so much to me. For a few short weeks, I was with someone from whom nothing was hidden. I held back from allowing myself to fall completely but although I wasn't in love with him, it was something very similar. More than the physical, it was being able to talk so openly and to be with someone who couldn't get enough of me. That feeling of being needed, wanted, desired is very addictive.

On the flight back to London, we were both quiet. We reflected on the trip and what it meant to each of us. He told me that he never wanted to lose me as a friend and that I was to phone him or email him whenever I needed to talk and I was so grateful to know that for the rest of my life I would have a friend who knew me so totally. We talked about how we would deal with our problems back at home, how we would both make a go of our marriages, knowing that we had each other to turn to for support and understanding.

When we landed, he helped me load my luggage onto my trolley and then told me to go. I wanted to wait for him but he said that we had to say goodbye there. It had come too quickly but I knew he was right. So I put my arms around him and he held me tightly as we kissed and I just wanted to stay like that forever and not go back into that world that was waiting for me. Eventually, we broke apart, he told me to go and I walked away.

I didn't turn back, even though I wanted to with every fibre of my being. But instead, I walked through the doors to Ewan and the kids who were waiting for me. As soon as I saw them I burst into tears. They thought it was because I was happy to be reunited with them after so long, but only I knew I was crying for what I was leaving behind.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry Selina if I intrude again. Had to. I'm just beginning to read your diary from the start and I can't help but think I will punctuate your whole blog with my comments. Please bear with me and my less than perfect English from French Canada.

    Can't help thinking there is an Ewan of sort in me. Have you ever considered reaching to people in his position with your writing? I must say your diary helps me a lot. I want to understand, not judge. It's too late in my own relationship, we ended it with the same efficiency we did all our projects - clean and fast. One week ago today. But understanding will help me alleviate the anger, the pain, the grief and the loss of self-esteem and your story gives me an altogether new perspective.

    Thank you.

    On with the next post.