Monday, 28 May 2012

The End

Oh, my poor blog.  I came back to it today for the first time in weeks and weeks and I had actually forgotten that I had even written that last post. 

Reading it back, I feel slightly ashamed about my behaviour that evening.  I had far too much to drink and I enjoyed a little too much the advances of The Singer !  However, I am triumphant that I held my nerve and didn’t give in.  He didn’t even get a kiss out of me although I admit, that as the end of that post suggested, I was flattered and perhaps willing to embark on another of my “adventures”. 

So, what happened ?

Well, I didn’t embark on anything.  Not, I regret to say, because I saw sense and realised that playing these games is dangerous and indicative of a deep problem within me that needs sorting, but because…..he never got in touch again !

After all that attention that night and then the texts the following morning, I waited and waited for the invite to his show and….it never came.  I did that whole thing of constantly looking at my phone, and turning it on and off to check it was working properly but nothing came.  I nearly, nearly texted him thinking he must have lost my number or something but fortunately saw sense and realised that I had been played.  I made a decision not to cheapen myself further by running after him and offering myself on a plate.  Whatever game he was playing, at least he will believe that I was never interested and need never know that actually I was a bit broken by it.

Stupidly, it caused me to fall into a bit of a slump.  I think it was the thought that I probably would have behaved badly with him if he had called and that I would have ended up being hurt because of the player he clearly is and because of my desperate and pathetic need for men to like me and find me attractive.  It wasn’t the ideal time for a downward spiral as I am busier at the moment than I have ever been, working on events connected with the Jubilee, Euro 2012 and the Olympics.  I admit to losing it for a bit as for a few days I couldn’t motivate myself to get up and in to the office.

But once I did, there was no time to dwell on my stupidity as work has pretty much taken over my life.  Deep down though, I have realised that I don’t need anyone else to make me happy.  It has to come from me and that in turn comes from the realisation that I never will be, unless I learn to be content with what I have.  And I have such a lot. 

My son has just started his exams and if he does well he will be off to Oxford.  My daughter is writing her third musical and has been working with an associate director from Les Miserables who has told her that she is talented enough to apply to the big London drama schools and he has said he will help her.  My husband has recently suggested that we need to talk more to resolve some of the underlying issues that have been present in our marriage for the last quarter of a century.  He thinks that we should see a therapist together and he also wants us to renew our wedding vows at our next anniversary.

So life is good.  I just need to wake up and see that and actually… I think I am finally, slowly opening my eyes. 

And, given all that, it feels the perfect time to stop this blog. I started it because I felt dissatisfied and for a while writing it was the most important thing to me as it was such a release.  However now, I barely think of it which means I have probably outgrown it.  I’m sure I will miss it but I will keep dropping in on the other blogs I have come to love and maybe even leave a comment from time to time.

For those of you who have come with me on my journey, I thank you.  Your comments and emails have helped me perhaps more than you can know and I have valued your friendship.

I feel a bit tearful now.  Who knows, I’ll probably be back writing here next week….but I don’t think so.  Stopping now feels very right.

So ……all that remains for me to say is thank you. 

And goodbye xx