I was looking forward to getting in to work and logging on today and ...sure enough, there was an email from young Matt. If I had any doubts that I may have been reading too much into yesterday's exchange, they were certainly erased by the message that greeted me today ...
"OK am going to take a risk here that you may never speak to me again but when I went home yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about you and how gorgeous and funny you are. Don't suppose you fancy engaging on a passionate journey into sensual pleasure with me, do you????"
I should be shocked and outraged that he dares to try it on with me but I feel exhilarated, which is just so ridiculous. I decided the sensible thing to do would be not to reply, or at least delay it...so I don't look too eager!
This is very dangerous territory. If I step into this, it could be a harmless online flirtation or it could end up becoming a full-blown affair and that is something I can't let happen.....not again.
I've been married nearly twenty years and in that time I have already had two affairs. God, I feel cheap just writing that. What sort of woman does that make me?
The first one happened eight years into the marriage. It wasn't the easiest of times as Ewan was always working late and seemed to have lost interest in me. One evening, we went to a party together that was full of beautiful media people and I had made a bit of an effort. It was a good do and the drink was flowing and I was introduced to an actor called Ollie. He was probably the best looking man I had/have ever met - tall, slim, dark hair, green piercing eyes and sexy stubble. Absolutely, stunningly gorgeous and he so knew it. He started chatting me up straight away and although I pretended not to be interested and kept reminding him that I was married, I was LOVING the attention! He told me that before the end of the week we would be sleeping together and I told him to dream on, On the way home, I told Ewan that he fancied me and just he just laughed it off!!! That could have been a trigger, I don't know.
A few days later, Ollie called me at work - said he had got the number from a mutual friend. In just a matter of minutes it was clear exactly what he wanted. I made him pursue me over a short period of time but I always knew were it was going. He called me several times a day until eventually, I agreed to meet him for lunch. We did that a couple of times and then my resolve failed and I went back to his flat and spent a glorious afternoon with him. I should have felt guilty but it felt amazing being with someone who was so accomplished in bed. We got together a few times after that and then he just lost interest which made me feel faintly ridiculous for allowing myself to become just another of his many women and for not being able to keep him wanting me.
Ewan never knew and in a strange way it made things better for a while as it rekindled our sexual relationship. The guilt did kick in for a bit and I tried to be a better, more supportive wife but we soon settled back into our rut.
And that is probably why I was always going to stray again.
Into the Wild Open Spaces
2 days ago