Singing

So now I've set out my life as it stands at the moment with all the key characters explained, I suppose I should just get on with the business of journaling. I feel apprehensive about it. Maybe because I haven't really got anything of interest to say.

Well, here goes......Last night, I went to my singing group. They meet up most weeks (though I can't always make it regularly) and if we're not rehearsing for one of the twice-yearly shows - a "musical extravaganza" at Christmas and a cabaret in the summer - we get together for workshops or just the chance to sing together as a group.

I've been with them for about six years. I had watched their shows for years before and then I finally took the plunge and decided to join up. I'm so glad I did - I love it and the group seem to like me. They've been very complementary about my voice and my style and audience reaction has also always been very favourable. Singing is such an amazing release and I always feel good afterwards.

They're an OK bunch of people I suppose, though I could write a book about the goings on there. I still feel very much a newcomer as they have been together for decades. Some are married to each other, some are having illicit affairs with each other, some are divorced from each other - all very weird. On the whole though they’re a sociable lot. We usually go off to the pub at the end of the evening and they invite me to their various parties celebrating birthdays and anniversaries so it's all very nice but it is the singing that makes me go as often as I can - I love it.

Last night, we had a workshop run by a top Musical Director who has been involved with West End shows, etc. I was really looking forward to it. Who wouldn't? Getting advice from a professional who has worked with the best ??

It's never good to look forward to something too much though. Right from the start, I got the feeling that he didn't want to be there. He went round the room listening to each person sing their chosen song and then, in his very bored way, he would tell them what worked and what didn't. And then it was my turn.

I had chosen "I Could Have Danced All Night" which had got me a standing ovation at our last show but I had barely started singing when he stopped me and told me to start it again and this time to think about the words. I was a bit surprised but I went back to the beginning and once more, he stopped me after just a few lines and said "I'm really sorry, but I think your voice is very boring." It felt as if he had slapped me across the face - I was so shocked. I think the rest of the group were too as there was an audible gasp. I didn't really know what to do and then he said
"You may as well sing it now but people, there's really no point in coming up here with your music if you can't find any passion inside you to invest in your song." I felt completely deflated then - I just wanted to go home but before I could move, he was playing the intro again so I just sang it. Probably the worst performance I've ever given - EVER! But the group were so sweet - they all clapped very loudly.

He wasn't horrible to anyone else after that and I can't think why he chose to pick on me. But needless to say, I went home full of self-doubt. Why did I ever think I can sing? I feel such a fool !

And So It Starts ...

FORTY! Life begins??

Not so sure about that but I thought it would at least be a good excuse to start my online journal. I used to keep a hand-written diary but it's very difficult to keep anything hidden in a house with two teenagers, a husband and a mother so I got out of the habit. Even when I do write in it, it is all kept very sterile to save the feelings of any of the above!

I really don't know why I think putting it online for the world to see means I can be as open as I like, but it seems a good idea for now! We'll see how things go.

I think the truth of why I'm really writing this now is that I'm actually a bit depressed. Only I know that though because to the world I'm great fun. I laugh at everything and have a great sense of humour, apparently. People tell me they love being with me. I'm also a good listener and very compassionate and I've done counselling training so lots of friends open up to me and tell me their deepest, darkest secrets which they know will never go any further.

But although I have a large circle of friends, I have no one really close to me that I can open up to. Well that's not strictly true. I'm sure I could turn to any of them if I wanted to but I don't...or at least, I can't. I don't want to give anyone that power, I suppose. So that's why I've decided to write this. Cheaper than session after session with a shrink which I think is basically what I really need!

So I guess, if I'm going to be open and honest and make this work for me, I should start by admitting here and now that ..........I'm not actually forty! In fact I've been 39 now for the last 5 years! But I can't just come out and say I'm forty-four as it sounds SO old!

The stupid thing is, that even when I say I'm 39, it is often greeted with oohs and aahs and open-mouthed disbelief followed by some sort of comment like "I would have put you in your early thirties - you look amAzing!!" Obviously, I LOVE hearing that and I suppose it's true enough. Thanks to my mother's genes, I don't look my age. Good skin with no real lines yet; long brown hair that's still fairly shiny and not too grey; tall enough to carry the excess weight that I have accumulated over the years and sensible enough to dress in a hopefully elegant way that hides those extra rolls but hints at the curves that are still there.

Even so, I can't say 44....I just can't !

Oh dear, there are so many issues to work through !!! I do hope this works ....