Tuesday, 31 August 2010

The Other Results

I neglected to mention that my son got his GCSE results. last week

He got 1 A and …….TEN A*s. In addition, he got an A in an AS level that he took a year early !!

I want to be modest about it and when people have congratulated us, I have smiled sweetly and said “yes, he has done very well - it's been another good year for the xchool” But actually, I want to run to the highest point and shout loudly:


The thing is, this academic brilliance doesn’t come from me as much as I would like to take the credit. Ewan was the high flier as a student. I got by at school and university but I never really grasped how to do the whole study thing and I see that in my daughter.

She did better than we expected in her A-levels and that came as much as a surprise to her as to us but it hasn’t increased her desire to go to university. She made a choice earlier in the year not to apply and to take a year out to pursue her music and drama. I wasn’t happy about it but at the end of the day it is her decision and we will support her.

I’m constantly amazed at how different my two children are and how, in spite of that, they get on so well. I love watching them together. Sometimes they don’t interact with each other at all and then other times, they are falling about laughing together and of course, often they are arguing..

Sasha was genuinely delighted at Kyle’s results and she instantly took him out to treat him to lunch. Today they plan to go shopping and then off to the cinema. I know they are incredibly fond of each other and that reassures me. They’ll always be there for each other long after I have gone which is very comforting to know.

I have two fantastic children. I am so proud of them both and I don’t acknowledge that enough.

By the way, did I say ……that was TEN A-STARS !!!!!!

Saturday, 28 August 2010

And The Results Are …

So on Monday, I trotted along to the hospital for my morning appointment expecting to have to wait for ages but once I had given my name, the consultant came out to greet me and took me into his office.

He asked me how I was feeling and when I said nervous, he said he was sorry that he hadn’t spoken to me over the phone but that he preferred to speak to his patients face to face.

He went on to explain that the reason that it had taken a while to get back to me was because he had wanted to discuss my case at the monthly MDT meeting with a pathologist and oncologist. Just hearing the world oncologist made me freeze inside as I immediately thought the worst.

However the situation is, although the colposcopy examination showed that my cervix is clear the biopsies showed that there are some pre-cancerous cells further up the neck of the womb. This is what is worrying them and so I need something called a cone biopsy. This is a small operation which will cut away a cone-shaped section of the affected area that will remove the abnormal cells and offer them a larger sample to examine and see if there is any need for further treatment.

He was keen to point out that at this stage there are no invasive cancer cells as far as they can see and that hopefully this procedure along with smear tests every four to six months will prevent any further abnormalities developing.

I felt quite relieved after he put it like that and then he suddenly said that he didn’t want to waste any time and his day for surgery was Thursday and he would like to schedule me in the same week. I mumbled something about it being too soon and he then said that he could delay it until the following Thursday but that he didn’t want to leave it any longer as it was quite important to carry out this treatment as quickly as possible. I asked him why and he said if there were abnormal cells further up in the womb they would need to act quickly.

Why do doctors talk in such contradictory terms? One minute he made me feel that this is all just a regular procedure and then suddenly it sounded almost like life and death with his sudden urgency to get it done.

Remarkably though I feel quite calm about it all now. It all seems fairly straightforward and the consultant is kind and seems very competent, if lacking in the best bedside manner !

Anyway, I’ll be in hospital this coming Thursday and Friday and then a few days off work to recuperate. There are a various things I should apparently refrain from for about four weeks after ….. including sex.

Ewan says that will be no change from usual then !!

Saturday, 21 August 2010

A Time To Laugh

Yesterday in the office, I laughed.

I have learnt in life that those worst times of grief, when it feels like happiness will never come again, are so misleading. Although it doesn’t seem possible at the time, the shadows do lift and suddenly, sometimes when you least expect it, you hear the sound of laugher and realise it belongs to you.

That happened to me yesterday.

I guess I have been quiet these last couple of weeks and have kept myself shut away in my office, using work as a distraction. It’s not been so bad at home as the family give me much-needed energy. Especially when my daughter got better grades in her A-levels than we were expecting. We’re all incredibly proud of her.

But yesterday, Pete, one of the young guys at work was relating a terrible dating experience he’d had the night before and suddenly I realised I was giggling and as the story went on, I had pretty much collapsed with the others into a heap of convulsive laughter. It was good for me and I needed that – it was such a release.

Just ten minutes later though, I got a call from the hospital.

They want me to go in as soon as possible to discuss the results of my Colposcopy with the consultant. I asked for more details but the secretary said she wasn’t qualified to give me that information and that it would be best to wait to speak to the doctors.

It’s been a month since I had that test and I stupidly assumed that as I hadn’t heard anything that it was all OK. To be honest, what with Maria’s death and then the funeral, I had pretty much forgotten all about it. That phone call has put a stop to that though as now, I can’t think of anything else. I have to go in on Monday morning. I’m trying to be calm and rational but it’s proving difficult.

I guess the gods weren’t ready for me to start laughing just yet.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Why Can’t Life Be More Like A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess called Maria.

She wasn’t really a princess but she was so loved by her wealthy parents that she was treated just like one and given everything she wanted and was always allowed to have her own way. She was perhaps a little spoilt but she was so funny and pretty and full of life that everyone who met her loved her and forgave her sometimes negative traits.

For example, she got bored very easily if things didn’t go her way and so when she decided she didn’t like it at university she just dropped out. She tried her hand at a few jobs, including modelling, but because they didn’t interest her she never stayed long.

And then one day, she met a lady called Selina.

Selina recognised something of herself in this wild spirit and so took her under her wing. She gave her a temporary secretarial position in her office and Maria found that she loved it there. It soon became obvious that she was a natural in the PR world and she made herself invaluable until the directors gave her a permanent position as an assistant and from there she worked her way up. She stayed with the company for five years and the only reason she left was because she fell for one of the clients - a very rich young man called Gerald who swept her off her feet.

She had a fairytale wedding and Selina, who had become very close to her, was her matron of honour. All was well and Maria and Gerald were happy and settled in the country.

Or so it seemed.

Gerald would often ring Selina’s husband Ewan for advice on how to handle Maria as she was becoming more and more demanding and unhappy, living so far away from everyone. She refused to adapt to country life and complained bitterly that she wanted more. Gerald loved her and tried to make her happy but increasingly they led separate lives as Maria spent more time with her young single friends in London.

Both Selina and Ewan tried to talk to her but she refused to understand the need for compromise and after just three years, the couple split up. Selina spent a lot of time with Maria who was heartbroken. As much as she had pushed him away, she loved Gerald and now she couldn’t cope with him not being in her life. She alternated between partying wildly and shutting herself away for days at a time.

Selina, Ewan and Gerald waited, hoping that Maria would find peace and be ready to return to married life. But on the last Saturday in July 2010, she partied a little too heavily and then ran out into the road where she was hit by a car.

For Maria, there was no happy ever after.

I’ve been distraught since the news of Maria’s death.

Watching Gerald’s grief has been too much to bear. He blames himself and nothing we say can convince him otherwise. She had only just turned thirty and she had it all. I just don’t understand why she let it slip away.

I just can’t get over the pointless waste of such a young life.

Thursday, 5 August 2010


I’m here but am finding it difficult to blog at the moment. I have been visiting everyone but haven’t left many comments so forgive me.

Something has happened recently – not to me and nothing to do with my health but it has left me reeling and I need time to come to terms with it.

I know it will help to write about it and that’s the plan but I need time to get round to it and I just don’t feel like it for now. Perhaps I’ll be ready tomorrow or next week or maybe next month but however long it takes, don’t lose patience with me.

I’ll be back eventually.