Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Review Of The Year

I thought it might be useful to take a look back over 2009 so that I can take stock of what sort of year it has been for me.

Well, I'm still blogging which to be honest I thought I would have given up long ago - a fad to have a go at and give up pretty quickly. But no, I'm still here and in August it was a year in Blogworld which means I'll soon have been at it for a full eighteen months. I suspect I'll still be here next year too as it has become part of my life. Part of what I do. Here I can write honestly and say what I really feel without fear of judgement from any one who knows me. Although I think some of my blogger "friends" who comment regularly have got to know me pretty well and they don't judge me. In fact, I think they get me more than I do and I value what they have to say. I love reading their blogs too and feel as if I have got to know a few of them, and what is happening in their lives pretty well, which seems very bizarre, given that none of us have ever met.

I did nearly stop blogging in November but then decided on therapy instead! I'm still not entirely sure that is the answer for me but I won't give up on it yet. I don't enjoy the sessions but I do have this strange feeling that if I open myself up to whatever it is the therapist is pushing me to see, I may come across something quite revelatory. It is forcing me to think about a lot of things so like I say, I'll keep at it.

I suppose, this year has been pretty much about Matt. We started the year in the throes of a passionate affair but actually over the twelve months we have been on and off so many times that it is really quite pathetic. The main thing is that while it was on, he made me feel young and attractive again but now, when it is truly finished, I have to admit to feeling quite sad about the whole sorry thing. I'm cross with myself because though I didn't ever particularly like him, I did need him in my life. I enjoyed sex with him. I liked being adored by him.

I ended it finally in September and now his girlfriend has moved in with him. Even so, I like that he keeps texting and emailing even though I haven't been replying. It means I was something in his life. Yes, he was using me for a bit of excitement but I like him telling me that I'm not like any other woman he has ever known. This is why I need to stick with the whole therapy thing. To work out why I needed all that and to stop me being susceptible to it again.

I do think I handled myself well through the whole thing. I kept to the rules I set myself by not ever losing control. I called the shots and I always waited for him to make the first move - it was never me running to him, being desperate and clingy. He knew he had power over me though because until I made that final decision in September, it was never that difficult to persuade me round to his way of thinking and he clearly feels he can still do that.

That whole relationship resulted in weight loss of around two and a half stone (though with all the eating and drinking over the last week, I'm sure I have put a fair bit of that back on!) and I feel very good at the moment about the way I look.

It's only momentary though. Yes it's great finding clothes at the back of my wardrobe that fit again and shopping has become fun again but as I have said before, I feel as if my life has gone cold. Nothing excites me. I've even given up on the singing which was the one thing that I really loved. I do sometimes feel that even though I'm now seeing the therapist, a breakdown isn't far away ....

I think it was the death of my dear friend Sean this year that set most of this off. Last December he told us he had cancer, but it was only in May that we realised it was terminal and by August he had gone. I haven't really come to terms with that yet. That, coupled with the fact that I haven't been able to stop thinking of my dad (who died ten years ago this year), has made me very morose.

Poor Ewan - he has all this to contend with and he knows I'm not happy at the moment. He is a good man and we are a good couple, I suppose. My fling with Matt, or the flings I have had in the past, are not about him. They're about some problem deep within me that I really need to find a way of addressing. We have a good sex life so it's not that I am searching for. He provides for me and takes his share of responsibilities around the house so it's not as if I'm left with everything to do. He's a fantastic father and Sasha and Kyle absolutely adore him - more than me I'm sure, but it's not jealousy.

It's always great while we're away on holiday but at home I know that he makes me feel irritated, burdened and just plain belligerent. Again, I really need to work out what it is that makes me feel like that, so the therapist really does have his work cut out for him. He wants me to acknowledge that some of Ewan's past behaviour is the reason I may feel the way I do. I'll blog about that one day but I'm not ready to do so yet.

On a positive note, my children make me happy. I'm so proud of them and we have a good relationship.

Kyle took 3 GCSEs, a year early, in the summer and got 3 A*s and his school suggests he has everything required to apply for Oxbridge which he is really keen to do. I don't know how he is so clever. It has to be down to Ewan!

Sasha is pursuing her love of music and drama. She has decided to put university on hold for a year or so as she sees how things develop. I'm not sure that is the sensible thing to do but I have to trust her to make the right decision and can only give her my opinion. The shows that I have seen her in this year though have been a-maz-ing ! I love watching her and there is no feeling greater than when people ask me if I'm her mother and tell me how much they enjoy her performances.

So 2010 approaches! I know what needs work. I'm going to try really hard to rise above all the rubbish, be positive and value what I have. Here's hoping I can do just that.

Happy New Year!


Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Not Long Now

Gosh it’s been busy.

The organised Ms Selina Kingston seems to have run off into the wilds somewhere and left me with an incompetent creature who is still writing Christmas cards even though I’m sure the last posting date has passed.

She has had to take today off work so that she can get the food in and buy presents, if only for nearest and dearest, and then make pathetic excuses or raid the back shelves of cupboards to make do for everyone that has been forgotten, because no neatly compiled list has been written this year.

And the house is a complete mess. Even though her sister-in-law and family will be round on Boxing Day.

I think she just may have a breakdown before the Big Day.

So, if you read in the news that a woman has been found wandering the streets in just her vest and knickers crying/giggling/screaming/babbling away incoherently, you might just want to phone in to let them know it’s probably me.

Happy Christmas to you and yours!


Friday, 11 December 2009

Tis The Season To Be Jolly (....apparently!)

The singing group have their Christmas Cabaret this week and I went last night.

They started practising back in October but I decided not to take part because I knew Matt would be involved.

Singing has always been such an important part of my life and I love it. It has always made me feel so good inside and even when I have felt low, it really does take me to another place. And performing is something I feel so comfortable with. I guess it's because I'm a huge show-off.
The thing is, I have lost all enthusiasm for it recently. I haven't been to any of the weekly meetings for ages and I only went last night out of duty.

It doesn't take a genius to work out it is obviously because that's where I met Matt and him being there has taken the shine off it but actually I think there is a bit more to it than that. This feeling that something has withered away inside of me - that I don't have the right to enjoy anything, probably explains it.

I talked about that with the therapist yesterday. He nodded sagely but I'm not really convinced that he gets me. I'm finding the sessions with him quite hard work actually. He's obviously pushing me to something but deep down I feel a bit resentful about it all which I know isn't helpful. I told him that, and he just smiled and said it was all part of the process. I wish he wouldn't be so bloody nice all the time! Why can't he just give me the answer and tell me what I need to feel normal again and then I can get the heck out of there.

I know, I know. I'm being unreasonable and that's not what therapy is about. And I do need to give it time and there is a lot to work through but maybe I should consider finding someone else. I know though that I'm only looking for someone who will make me feel like a nice person and who won't make me examine all these horrible aspects of my character. But I don't feel he's listening to me. For example, I told him I don't want to keep talking about Ewan and yet still he keeps pushing. It's very frustrating. I will keep with it though ....even though I'm now dreading each session and instead of walking on air when I leave, I feel like I'm wading through treacle !!

Anyway, back to last night. I was there on my own as the rest of the family all had other things on. Matt wasn't in the show after all, but Kelly was. It was all pretty dire and I don't think that was because I was just so down on the whole thing. The regular MDs, Nick and Mel, have gone on a year-long trip round the world and their absence was clearly felt. I was really tempted to run off during the interval but decency prevailed and I stayed the course. I wish I hadn't because towards the end of the second half, I felt a squeeze on my knee and there was Matt, slipping into the seat next to me.

He had been helping backstage and spotted me and so once his job was done, he decided to join me. It was all very awkward and as soon as the final curtain went down, I said I had to go but he was trying to persuade me to pop outside with him so we could have a quick chat. I told him no, that I didn't have time as I had to rush back. He looked quite crestfallen but I refuse to feel guilty. He was trying it on while his girlfriend was backstage for goodness sake.

Grrr...I'm so cross with the world and I thought this was supposed to be the season of joy and goodwill.

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Writing Back

Dear Selina,

This will come as a complete surprise but I just wanted to drop you a line to help you on a little even though I know you will read this and think you don't need to hear any of it. Believe me, I know you will think that!

You had a good time at your parents' 25th, didn't you? Catching up with family and friends and enjoying being told you looked gorgeous and loving having Lee by your side....

Work is going well too. It's a great company isn't it and you're getting into your stride. I know you're really caught up with the whole celebrity thing just now but you are a natural PR animal and all your managers think you're a great thing. You have a a great future there and are set to rise through the ranks so take heart in that and don't beat yourself up too much when things go wrong, which they will from time to time. You will screw up a pretty major account but honestly don't waste too many tears. Put it down to experience, learn from it and move on.

I feel there are so many things I need to tell you not to do or even to warn you about to prepare you for the future but you look so happy, and actually Dr Who (the David Tenant one who is the best ever, even though I know you can't imagine that anyone could top Tom Baker) says we're not supposed to do anything to change history.

So all I will tell you is that you have the capacity to remain blissfully happy through to your mid-forties but you just need to be calm and rational and not let yourself be brought down by the things that happen in your life. I know that on good days, you can be the life and soul but already on those bad days that have started to creep in, you can let your worries about what people think of you throw you into a pit of despondancy. You are a fabulous girl, full of fun and loved by everyone around you but you need to not be so hard on yourself.

I know how much you love Lee but you need to take back a bit of control. It's great at the moment. He adores you and makes you feel like a princess and has done since he first started to pursue you, even when you weren't sure whether it was a good idea to get involved with someone so absolutely gorgeous and sure of himself. You thought then that someone like that could only hurt you but over the last year that hasn't been the case and he's the one who keeps telling you that you are everything he could wish for and more. He's the one who fell head over heels in love with you first and now you have followed suit and life is great. All I'm asking you to do is not let him be so responsible for your happiness. Imagine if he suddenly cooled off a bit. I know it seems so unlikely now but if he did, you would be able to handle it if you keep strong and build up enough self-worth to know that his failings are HIS fault and not yours. That way too, if it were to end, you could eventually dry your tears and be ready for whoever else might come along and be worthy of your love. A love that you would then offer again freely and without fear that he too might take it and carelessly throw it away.
This probably makes no sense. Just stay strong Selina and don't allow yourself into a place where you can be easily broken and from where it might take you a long time to recover. No man is worth that, honestly.

I don't want you to be upset by Mum either. She says a lot of things but the easiest way to handle it is to just let her say what she thinks and don't argue with her. You won't change her so just let her get on with it and don't allow yourself to be affected what she says and does. If you watch Dad, that's exactly what he does. He has nothing to prove to her and neither do you.
Talking of Dad, do spend as much time with him as you can. Watch the way he listens to you when you are relating one of your very long anecdotes. I know if feels as if he'll always be around but just imagine if he wasn't or if he suddenly fell ill. Tell him everything you want him to hear. He's so proud of you and you are his absolute life and his total joy. Please don't leave it too late before you fully understand that.

There are so many other things to tell you but time is limited: don't let yourself put on too much weight because it really is a bugger to get off; when you get married take your vows very seriously, especially about being faithful even though your head is so easily turned by good-looking men and cheap, easy compliments; stop trying to please everyone around you all the time just so you'll be liked; look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of what you see - you look amazing so don't allow yourself to be plagued by self-doubt... I could go on and on.

The key thing is not to have regrets in your life. If there is something you want to do then do it, but think of the consequences. Don't let others talk you out of doing anything but do think twice about any decision you make.

And remember, if you love yourself you will be able to love everyone around you, which in turn will make you happy and content and fulfilled.