Thursday, 24 February 2011

Highs And Lows

Isn’t it funny how you can feel so proud one moment and then desperately disappointed the next ?

My daughter is my pride and joy.

She is very like me in that she uses her charm and wit to get by rather than any great intellect. She’s very easy to get along with and is popular amongst her friends. She likes to party and she is fun to be with but unlike me, she is NOT a flirt.

I marvel at how she just converses with the opposite sex without all the flicking of hair and ridiculous pouting that I habitually resort to, even at this stage of my life. She doesn’t need the approval or admiration of men to validate her existence.

Over the years, she has mocked me when I have warned her not to let men have any power over her and to always stay in control . She calls me a man-hater and laughs when tell her I don’t want to see her hurt or heartbroken

She never really had a serious boyfriend. She was sort of seeing the vicar’s son – a painfully shy boy called Huw. He brought out the worst in me as I would often burst in on them in the sitting room and watch him spring away from her as he then went beetroot red. I couldn’t help it – it amused me greatly! Almost as much as walking round the house singing “the only one who could ever move me, was the son of a preacher man” at the top of my voice. She told me I was cruel …..but very funny, and that she knew full well I was just trying to stop her getting too involved.

Since September though, she has been seeing Freddie. He was in the year above her at school and now he’s in his second year at university in London – studying maths. They were always great friends and then it suddenly became something more.

And this time it’s different.

They have become very close, very quickly. He is lovely – everything you could wish for in a boyfriend for your precious daughter. He’s tall, good-looking, kind, clever, affectionate, supportive, caring and he’s always very polite to us. To be honest, I’m a bit in awe of him and I don’t want to ruin what could be something very special and important in her life …..but I do worry for her.

She told me once they started sleeping together, which was only three months into their relationship. I’m pleased she felt close enough to let me know but it did upset me and I was very emotional at the time. I would have hoped that she could have waited longer, though she said that they didn’t need to as they already knew each other so well as friends. She insists he didn’t push her into anything she didn’t want to do.

I know I have no right to be so disapproving, especially given my own past. And I am genuinely pleased that she feels she can talk to me about it, but deep down I don’t really want to know. I almost feel I have let her down by being so accepting about it. Perhaps I should have shouted at her for letting him have his way so quickly but then she does seem to be genuinely fond of him and so perhaps it was a natural step in their relationship.

The thing is, yesterday she came into my room and lay on my bed and said she was having a crisis. She told me that the previous night when she stayed over with him, the condom they were using split……and that she had just taken the morning after pill.

This is my daughter. The baby I held in my arms. My beautiful toddler with the mass of curls. The talented girl who brought the house down just a couple of weeks ago with her own show. Telling me, almost casually, that she had just taken the morning after pill

I tried to stay calm telling her that pill is not just another method of contraception and that she had to be careful and not take risks with her future in such a way and she just kissed me and told me to be calm and that everything would be alright.

I have gone from an amazing high to an incredible low in what seems the shortest space of time and now, I cant stop crying.

Friday, 18 February 2011

Best Ever Present

It was my birthday last week.

When I was young, I used to love it. The cards, the presents, the attention …..

Nowadays, not so much !! Birthdays represent another year gone. Another year possibly wasted. Further proof that I am no longer young. Increased pressure to admit that I am NOT actually forty. In fact, I’m nearer ff..fi..fif...fifty ! No ! Birthdays now, mean increased angst and mental torture …..

However, this year, I was positively counting the days to my special day because it was also the premiere of my daughter’s musical.

It had been on the calendar for a couple of months and so I thought it was the ideal opportunity for a party afterwards as an added incentive to get friends and family to turn up and support her. As it was, I needn’t have worried, as all three shows were a sell-out with people queuing outside for tickets and some even turned away.

And the show was amazing!

Eleven songs, all written in the last few months, one even in the fortnight running up to the show when she realised the second act just needed something. I can’t begin to tell you how much she has impressed me. The whole thing was fabulous.

During one number, I found myself crying - not just because the song was very moving but because I couldn’t stop thinking that my daughter, my little girl, had written it. Written the whole show. It was her vision on that stage. And she’s only 18!

And the kids were brilliant. They performed it so well - sang so beautifully and spoke so clearly. They did her proud.

And any thoughts I may have had that perhaps I only thought it was good because my daughter wrote it were completely blown away when the audience erupted into cheers and wild applause at the end. They were standing and clapping for the final encore and then there were sustained shouts for “author, author”.

She didn’t come forward at first and then, her beautiful blushing face peeped through the curtains to further cheers until she was pushed out on stage. At that point, I thought I would actually burst with pride.

And then, she started speaking. She thanked the cast, musicians and crew for a wonderful performance. She thanked the audience for a fantastic reception that she could never have dreamed of. She talked of how she had been sick with nerves before the show, even though she is so used to singing and performing. That this time, she felt she had put herself out there in a way she never had before. And then, in what seemed like pin-drop silence, she thanked ……me. She told the audience that I had encouraged her love of music since was a little girl, and that she loved me, and hoped that she had made me proud, because she wanted to dedicate her musical to me as my birthday present.

And suddenly, everyone was cheering and whooping again and I was part blubbing into Ewan’s shoulder and part laughing and blowing her kisses. And all the time, she looked just like an angel on that stage. MY darling, precious angel.

We partied long and hard afterwards and even though I can’t remember how it all ended, I know that it’s up there as one of the best birthdays EVER !!

Sunday, 30 January 2011

A Good Job, Well Done

I am basking in the glow of a fabulous wedding !

Amanda and Hugh got married yesterday and it was a fantastic day. She looked stunning in her red and white dress.

But it also felt like my day as I had helped to plan the wedding and we were part of the beautiful service - Ewan read the classic Corinthians passage and Sasha and I had the privilege of singing during the signing of the register.

At the end of the evening, when we are all a bit drunk, Amanda gave me a big hug and told me that she never would have been able to do it without me and that I was the best friend anyone could ask for and before we knew it, we were both bawling and laughing in equal measure!

Knowing she had the wedding she had always dreamed of has made me so happy. I haven’t been able to drag myself out of bed today and my body is aching from too much dancing and carrying things up and down stairs but …I feel brilliant. The only thing is, I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself now.

Maybe I should start planning a wedding for my daughter………!

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Failed Resolutions !

After all my resolutions to create a better blogger/life balance, I realise I have failed so far!

But I have a very good excuse!

Do you remember Mandy and Hugh ?? Well Hugh proposed to Mandy soon after I wrote about them and they set the date for the end of January 2011 but then Hugh’s dad died and we all assumed that it would probably be postponed as Hugh was naturally very upset and not in wedding planning mode. However, at the end of October he told her that he wanted to go ahead with the original date.

At the beginning of December, I called Mandy to tell her I thought her wedding invitations were beautiful and she burst out crying and said that apart from the church and reception venue, nothing was sorted and that even the invitations and the guest list had been really difficult for her. She had dreamed of her wedding day for so long and now that it was here it seemed too big for her to manage. I felt so sorry for her so I immediately volunteered to help, as planning events is what I do!!

So that is what I have been doing since. I managed to fit in our family Christmas but mostly, Mandy and myself have been working on getting everything ready and it has been really busy as there is so little time.

But I have loved it. Really loved it !

I have been in my element, and taking the stress out of it for Mandy and watching her enjoying it all, has been brilliant.

It all happens this Saturday and I can’t wait. And afterwards, I’ll be able to get back to blogging properly, I promise ........

Friday, 31 December 2010

The End Of Another Year

I had my forecast for 2010 prepared by a celebrity astrologer this time last year and I thought it would be interesting to go back and see what he got right .

He said:
- I would get a pay rise before my birthday in February …..WRONG !
- I may change jobs and even move home ……WRONG !
- Travelling abroad would be a distinct possibility…..WRONG !
- Although I have a good network of friends, I should nurture my friendships more as I could fall out with a few this year…..WRONG, though to be fair I have been pondering the meaning of friendship recently.
- My marriage will continue to be problem-free and we will work well as a couple….. well that was obviously WRONG to start with but things have been good this year
- I need to be careful about my health, as I will be prone to a number of common ailments like flu and stomach problems ….. I laughed that off at the time but it was the one he came closest to as I ended up in hospital in September and quite frankly, I haven’t been right since, so I’ll give him that one !
- My life still has a way to go before things will settle enough for me to start unravelling the knots ……RIGHT ! I have started “unravelling” but it feels as if there’s still such a lot to sort

So I think we conclude that on the whole our astrologer friend was …a bit crap. But that’s OK, he’s a nice guy so let’s just forgive him and move on!

Thinking back over the last year, my therapist has been good and my sessions are now down to once a fortnight on his advice. I do feel much better and that cloud of depression has certainly lifted. I guess the worry is that I’m aware of it still hovering in the distance and I don’t want it to come back. Blogging about what Ewan did helped a lot. I think the problem is that that in the current climate when money is tight, I am constantly anxious that there could be a repeat which of course puts a strain on him as he is constantly trying hard to prove to me that was a one off mistake but I can’t, or won't, forget it. That said, I have felt very warm towards him recently and we’ve been getting on well but somewhere deep down I’m still scared of something and so I know I’m holding back. We started entertaining more again this year and I really believe that has been good for us as it is what we used to do early on in our marriage.

My nephew Daniel got married this year but with a special wedding there is always a funeral. This year there were two – my darling young friend Maria and a newer friend, Anna, who died suddenly. That resulted in me nearly getting back with Matt but fortunately I saw sense and ended it with him once and for all in February. I just feel very embarrassed now about my whole fling with him. What was I thinking?

That feeling of foolishness deepened when I found out later in the year that what I thought was a very special relationship with Chris all those years ago, was really no more than just a notch on his bedpost as I learnt about a string of other women who thought they were “special”. I cringe every time I think about it

Much better not to think about any of that and instead, focus on my lovely children. This year Kyle got 10A*s in his GCSEs - I still can’t get over that - and Sasha has written her own musical which will go on stage early in 2011. I’m so proud of them both.

I found out just this month that I have an uncle, cousin and niece that I knew nothing about. We plan to visit them in the States sometime next year.

And that’s it really. Although I can't let pass that I hit a hundred posts this year. However, the blogging has slowed down considerably and I don’t get the chance to read and comment on my favourites as much as I would like. It’s good in a way as it means I’m now actually living my life again as opposed to just writing about it but doing it less feels like something is constantly missing. Maybe, hopefully, I’ll strike a happier balance in the New Year.

Oh well, just a few hours left. Time to “dance one year in, kiss one goodbye”. Who knows, maybe 2011 will be ….the perfect year ! Here’s hoping.

Happy New Year to you all xx

Thursday, 23 December 2010

How Did This Happen So Quickly?

I can’t believe it will be Christmas the day after tomorrow!

I have spent the last week still writing Christmas cards, buying gifts and food and drink, wrapping presents, preparing nibbles or fancy meals, entertaining and being entertained and I’m loving every last minute of the festive panic.

There’s more of the same over the next week so I don’t think I’ll be back here this year.

Therefore ……

Can I take this opportunity to wish you, my lovely blogging friends, a VERY happy Christmas and a brilliant New Year!

Have a good one! xx

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Spreading Some Festive Cheer

So, a few weeks ago, my blogging pal Rosie Scribble wrote a post saying how she had got a free TV simply by commenting on a fellow blogger’s post who had written about getting a free washing machine.

All these freebies came courtesy of Appliances Online

She invited her readers to comment and I did, congratulating her but I couldn’t bring myself to ask for anything in particular as a) I was a bit sceptical and b) I could hear my mother’s voice from when I was young telling me never to ask for anything but always wait to be offered !!!

I forgot all about it then, until earlier this week when I received a surprise email from a lovely sounding gentleman thanking me for commenting on Rosie’s blog and OFFERING me the choice of some posh choccies or Amazon vouchers in return for just linking to them. And do you know, I’m happy to do that as deep down, I have a bit of a sneaking admiration for the clever route they have taken in their marketing.

So, here’s the link and feel free to leave a comment here saying what you were hoping Santa might bring as you never know, Appliances Online could be reading.

Meanwhile, do I go for chocolates or books or chocolates or DVDs or chocolates……oh, such decisions !!!