I am a woman of a certain age! A long-time wife, mother of teenagers and daughter of a dominant, somewhat possessive woman. I work in PR and I used to be happy and content. But recently something has changed and I feel like I'm losing control. I want to break free but don't really know from what or why. I think I need therapy but am fighting against that and writing this blog is an attempt to record my behaviour and make sense of my feelings so that maybe I can claim back some control.
I am essentially a good person but as I have tried to write honestly here, that may not be what comes across!
I’ve been thinking about my friends a lot recently.
I have always surrounded myself with lots of people and I like that I form friendships quite easily and that people seem to value having me around. But I think that when I was feeling particularly low, I was upset that I didn’t have anyone I could turn to who I could pour out all the angst and bore to death.
I know that’s not true though. I know any one of them would listen to me without judging but because of my issues I couldn’t talk about what was wrong. Hell, I didn’t know myself. If I’m honest, I don’t really know now although with the therapist’s help I have a better idea.
The point is that I enjoy being a friend to others and listening when they need a comforting ear. I can’t expect that back when I refuse to allow any of them into my inner core. It’s my problem not theirs.
I saw this poem recently and thought it summed me up, especially the second verse.
FRIENDS by ELIZABETH JENNINGS I fear it's very wrong of me, And yet I must admit, When someone offers friendship I want the whole of it. I don't want everybody else To share my friends with me. At least, I want one special one, Who indisputably,
Likes me much more than all the rest, Who's always on my side, Who never cares what others say, Who lets me come and hide Within his shadow, in his house - It doesn't matter where - Who lets me simply be myself, Who's always, always there.
A great move forward is that I recognise now that I have never had, nor never will, have this sort of relationship because I don’t think I’m worthy of just being myself - others might not like that real me. It’s a work in progress with the therapist but an area that will probably take the most time and effort.
What I can be, however, is a good friend to those around me. I can offer unconditional friendship and one day, when I have truly sorted myself out, that will be a two-way process