Thursday, 21 October 2010


I’ve been thinking about my friends a lot recently.

I have always surrounded myself with lots of people and I like that I form friendships quite easily and that people seem to value having me around. But I think that when I was feeling particularly low, I was upset that I didn’t have anyone I could turn to who I could pour out all the angst and bore to death.

I know that’s not true though. I know any one of them would listen to me without judging but because of my issues I couldn’t talk about what was wrong. Hell, I didn’t know myself. If I’m honest, I don’t really know now although with the therapist’s help I have a better idea.

The point is that I enjoy being a friend to others and listening when they need a comforting ear. I can’t expect that back when I refuse to allow any of them into my inner core. It’s my problem not theirs.

I saw this poem recently and thought it summed me up, especially the second verse.

I fear it's very wrong of me,
And yet I must admit,
When someone offers friendship
I want the whole of it.
I don't want everybody else
To share my friends with me.
At least, I want one special one,
Who indisputably,

Likes me much more than all the rest,
Who's always on my side,
Who never cares what others say,
Who lets me come and hide
Within his shadow, in his house -
It doesn't matter where -
Who lets me simply be myself,
Who's always, always there.

A great move forward is that I recognise now that I have never had, nor never will, have this sort of relationship because I don’t think I’m worthy of just being myself - others might not like that real me. It’s a work in progress with the therapist but an area that will probably take the most time and effort.

What I can be, however, is a good friend to those around me. I can offer unconditional friendship and one day, when I have truly sorted myself out, that will be a two-way process


  1. I think you are a great friend to many and I sincerely hope that one day someone will become a great friend to you. ;-)

  2. I would like to introduce you to my best friend:

    What a friend I have in Jesus,
    All my sins and griefs to bear!
    What a privilege to carry
    Everything to God in prayer!
    Oh, what peace I often forfeit,
    Oh, what needless pain I bear,
    All because I do not carry
    Everything to God in prayer!

    God bless you


  3. and hopefully you begin to see you are worthy...and if they are real friends they will lik eyou for who you are...

  4. I bet you are a cracking friend and if you were to unburden yourself to those you consider Very Good Friends - well, it would move the relationship to a higher level (and you don't even need god to do it)

  5. You sound like the sort of friend I'd like to have, but probably wouldn't dare seek. I also want the whole of someone, but won't give the whole of me back. And I drop people after a couple of years. I am a poor friend in return for all that I am given. I suspect that you are a better friend than I would be.

  6. Take heart in the fact that there is no real you: the only reality is change and it is out of your control - just roll with it and don't bother trying to analyse or judge yourself.


  7. Another very honest and open post that is your trademark, Selina! I like the poem. Think I taught another Elizabeth Jennings poem some years back.

  8. Now then, young lady, have you got that grog in teh fridge just like we agreed? I'll be over to listen and you can pour your heart out...xx

  9. Hi Selina - I've still been reading you, but just ended a one year hiatus of blogging myself. I think I got to the end of the road, but have now found something to say again. You've done amazingly well to keep at it, especially revealing the deep and personal things that you have over the last few months.



  10. you are a worthy friend indeed.
    beautiful poetry,
    insightful words.

    keep it coming,
    Happy Halloween.
    u rock!

  11. As long as you are happy with yourself and happy in your own skin, people will see that. Those people will become your friends and you will let them.

    And remember, sometimes, less is more with friends. I would choose my couple of really good close friends over the loads of people I know, every time.