Coffee mornings

Every so often, when I'm off or "working from home", I meet up with some of the neighbours for coffee. We're quite a friendly group actually and there are four of us that are particularly close.

Beth and her husband moved in to the street around the same time as us and the two of us were befriended by Lisa who had already been there for a couple of years. We were joined a few years later by Tamsin who moved in with her family.

We get on well together and have seen each other through various life events. First Beth got divorced, remarried and pregnant again in the space of a couple of years; I got quite depressed when my darling Dad died which was made worse when my mother moved in and just took over; Lisa's daughter got married and moved away a few years ago which left her completely bereft and now Tamsin, who seemed to have the perfect family, is on the verge of a nervous breakdown which is threatening to tear them all apart.

Our coffee mornings have always seemed to be the perfect remedy to all that was wrong. That opportunity to laugh and/or cry together with a good helping of home-made cake and biscuits was something we all appreciated. This time though with Tamsin, it doesn't seem to be helping.

She appreciates our being there listening to her but her husband is on the verge of walking out with the kids and she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge what is happening to her. Her behaviour is becoming increasingly irrational.

For example, a few weeks ago she spent hundreds of pounds on a pedigree puppy for her children, even though they had never asked for a pet and Nathan her husband had specifically said NOT to get one. She went ahead though and bought the cutest little puppy I have ever seen but also the most timid - not surprising, given the house has three boisterous children and two adults who constantly argue. Because the tiny bundle of fur was so quiet and difficult to toilet train she labelled it mentally ill and a couple of days ago, she simply put it out of the house saying she didn't want it anymore. This poor little baby hasn't even had it's first injections yet and she just left it outside.

Nathan asked if I would look after it until he could sort something out which I did, and in just two days young Betty (the pup) seemed to perk up and was into everything and following me around everywhere. Today though, Nathan took her back to the breeder and I haven't been able to stop crying as I think of her sad little face and how I have effectively let her down. If I could, I would have kept her but I don't know anything about dogs and my mother wouldn't tolerate one as she's so damn house-proud. Ewan was sympathetic but not ovely keen to help.

So I called Matt after Nathan had taken Betty away and cried down the phone to him. I was off today and had said I would join the others for one of our coffee mornings.

Instead, I said I couldn't make it and then went to Matt's flat......

Persuasion

I went back to work last Wednesday determined not to get back in touch with Matt.

However, I hadn't figured on his email that was waiting for me when I got back into the office. He had sent it on the Friday that we were still away, and it was long and heartfelt.

He said that he had missed hearing from me and had done a lot of thinking in a bid to try and work out what he could have done wrong but that actually he knew it was to do with how he had behaved on that day we spent together back in March. He said he knew, even at the time that he was being an arse, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. He had regretted it ever since and not just because I hadn't been in touch. He thought he could get away with pretending he didn't know he'd done anything wrong but given that I had refused to answer any of his messages he knew he needed to say sorry.

He went on to say that he was finding it difficult to function without me. That although he had tried to keep himself busy with other things, it wasn't working. He said it felt like living with sharp deprivation. That he was scared of facing just how much he was hurting and that if I shut him out of my life he would almost have to find a new way of living and he didn't know if he could do that.

He said he had never felt like this before and that all he could think about was me and he hated the thought of being responsible for hurting me or making me angry with him. He said he couldn't apologise enough for being a grumpy git and please, please would I forgive him because he couldn't lose me. He asked if I could at least call him so that he could better explain himself.

So, I did !

I know, I know. I should have left it but I couldn't help myself.

He was really pleased to hear from me when I rang him. He was in a meeting and left it so that he could speak to me because he was worried I wouldn't ring back, especially as he had almost given up hearing from me even though he had gathered from my out-of-office that I had been away.

I told him that he had upset me and that I didn't really want to carry this on but he said he would do anything to make it up to me, whatever it took. He said that he had realised now how precious I was to him and that he wouldn't jeopardise things again. The conversation kind of went round and round for quite a while but ended with him thinking we were back on. We're not, but there's no harm in being his friend. After all, I've missed hearing from him. From now on though, this will go my way. There will be no more sex - just some harmless flirting from time to time. In fact, that is how it has been since that call.

Deep down I'm ashamed of myself but I don't want to confront those feelings yet. For some reason, even though I don't particularly like him, I need him in my life .....

Back home

We got back from France at the weekend.

It was lovely. The weather was wonderful, food fabulous and the people we met were great. It was a really good opportunity to relax as a family and get some much-needed time together. Of course, Kyle brought all his books along and spent time each day keeping to his revision timetable as he is taking some of his GCSEs a year early. We didn't tell him to do that but he is naturally conscientious - he didn't get that from me! His sister on the other hand who also has exams next month came armed only with her iPod and a few magazines !

Still we didn't hassle them - the idea was to get away from it all. Ewan was on great form. He always is when he's away from the day-to-day routine of life, which I guess says a lot. He becomes so affectionate and thoughtful and talkative. We managed to get some time alone together and went for walks along the beach. Throughout the holiday, he was always holding my hand or putting his arm around me or kissing me....much to the children's disgust, who kept telling us to stop doing that in public !

The thing is, Ewan is a good man. We are a good couple, I suppose. My fling with Matt, or the flings I have had in the past, are not about him. They're about some problem deep within me that I really need to find a way of addressing. We have a good sex life so it's not that I am searching for. He provides for me and takes his share of responsibilities around the house so it's not as if I'm left with everything to do. He's a fantastic father and Sasha and Kyle absolutely adore him - more than me I'm sure, but it's not jealousy. It's been great while we've been away and we've got on well but at home I know that he makes me feel irritated, burdened and just plain belligerent. I really need to work out what it is that makes me feel like that because again, I don't think that's down to him - it's me.

I made a determined effort not to think about Matt all of last week but on the journey back I found my thoughts drifting back to him. As soon as I got home, I went straight to my mobile which I had left on the bedside table and amongst all the texts were three from Matt. One sent on Good Friday: Still not talking to me then? the next on Easter Sunday: Happy Easter x and then one sent on Wednesday: Please tell me what's going on - I miss you xx

I haven't answered but I'm so pleased that he has been in touch. I had steeled myself up to expect nothing so I was relieved to see that he has been thinking of me. I don't know what I'm going to do about it though. I'll make a decision when I get back to work tomorrow but now that I have heard from him, I've had the luxury of, bizarrely, being able to put him out of my mind and enjoying these couple of days as the perfect stay-at-home wife and mum.

What Have I Done

I feel very unhappy

I haven't heard from Matt since I sent him that "I'm busy" text and for some reason that's really bothering me. Suddenly I'm worried that it was unnecessarily rude and that now he's probably deeply pissed off with me. I feel miserable and I can't seem to snap out of it because I've realised I miss hearing from him.

I sent the text because the more I thought about that day we spent together and the things he said, the more I just knew that I didn't want to meet him anymore. I felt there was nowhere further to go on our journey and that I had no more to invest in him. I certainly can't have him thinking of me in the same way he thinks of Karen - that I'll come running whenver he calls.

It was almost as if I wanted to reject him before he did it to me and I know that is a throwback to how Chris made me feel. Conversely, I never wanted to hurt him but I also felt he was bound to hurt me if we had carried on. I wanted to be the one in control right from the start of this. However, as I haven't heard from him since that text, I can can only assume that he's given up on me ....and that makes me feel shit.

I can't blame him as no one likes rejection but I thought he might try to find out once more what went wrong and then I could have attempted to explain. I'm really tempted to drop him a line but I must not do that if I am to retain control here. I don't want to weaken. It's so bizarre because I made the decision to end it so that I wouldn't leave this relationship a loser and yet, that's exactly how I feel.

I don't want him to hate me. I think that's what is upsetting me most. His attentions to date have validated me as a person and I'm anxious as to how I'll manage without that now. I'm pretty sure now that he's not going to get in touch and stupidly, I suppose I just wish he would.

Oh god, I want to cry. I really don't know what's the matter with me and why I'm being so pathetic and contrary in my thinking. What I really need is someone I can talk to honestly - a true friend. However, even though I have so many friends, (many of whom have confided in me) real friendship between two people is the capacity to make emotional demands on each other without incurring guilt or irritation and I can't do that. When people have told me their deepest secrets, it's hopefully because they know I'm discreet and non-judgemental. The only person I thought I had found that with, was Chris. I thought I could divulge information which was potentially damaging to the image I usually like to portray about myself. He let me down though and that is definitely the crux of my deeper unhappiness because just thinking about that makes me want to cry. I still don't understand what happened there.

Anyway, the bottom line is there is no one I can call who I feel won't judge me. That's why this blog is so useful I guess. At least, here I can write honestly and say what I really feel.

We're driving to France tonight where we'll spend Easter. It will be good to spend time with the family, focus completely on them and not give Matt a second thought. I've decided to leave my mobile at home because I don't want to look with excitement everytime it beeps with a text message..... or get desperately upset when it stays silent.

I need to put this all behind me and stay strong.

I'm Busy

I was working in Manchester last week. It was pretty hectic but I have enjoyed being busy because amongst other things it helped keep my mind off Matt. Even so, I haven't really been able to get that day I spent with him out of my head.

Reading back what I wrote about it doesn't really convey what a disappointment it was. The more I think about it, the more I realise just how much things have changed from when we first got together. Then, he was very sweet and tender and gentle - he made me feel special. But on that Wednesday, something felt different. He was almost rude and a lot more brutal with me - if that's the right word. Yes, the sex was good but it was all about him and what he wanted. I almost felt he was pushing me to act out some of the pornography that he's told me he enjoys watching so much. Some of it I did ...and some I refused.

The talk was all about him too. That in itself isn't such an issue because even if he did ask about me I wouldn't tell him anything of any worth. I've always had a problem letting people in. It's probably to do with not wanting to be made a fool of. I think that is why I felt so let down by Chris who I did open up to. I told him a lot of things in the foolish belief that he was a friend more than a lover. I really am so stupid and am getting irritated now just thinking of him again.

Back to Matt and I'm bothered by a lot of the things he said. He talked a lot of Kelly, for example. I don't particularly like her but I do feel sorry for her when I hear him talk so dismissively of her. He doesn't think it matters that he's being unfaithful to her. In fact, he says he doesn't even think about it. He also talked about Karen and actually laughed as he spoke of how she fell for him and how he reckons she's still not over him, even after all this time. He said he was sure that he could get her to come running if he wanted to and he boasted of how she told him sex with him was the best she'd ever had and that she was willing to do anything he suggested. In fact, he told me proudly she let him film them together even though she regretted it afterwards. She asked him to delete the film from his computer and he told her he would. He then told me that of course, he still has it.

Thinking about that, I just know I don't want to be one of his "women". I don't want him to talk, or laugh, about me like that to his next conquest. I feel such a fool. What have I been doing with him all this time? He made me feel attractive again, I suppose ....and young, but so ??

I haven't been in touch with him since I left his flat, even though I've had endless messages and voicemails asking where I am, if I'm OK, why I haven't been in touch, if he's fucked up, what he needs to do go get me to speak to him again, etc.

After what seemed like a barrage of texts this morning, imploring me to call him, I finally sent him a curt reply saying I was busy.

I haven't heard from him since.

All The Small Things

I haven't been in touch with Matt since I left his flat last Wednesday though he has been calling, texting and emailing. I miss him but I need to stay strong.

With that in mind, I thought I would try and get him off my mind this evening by watching "All The Small Things" as I noticed it was about a singing group and so thought it would be interesting,

For the first half hour though, I wondered if the writer had somehow been observing my sad little life. The group itself was very similar to the one I belong to with its myriad of different characters, even down to them doing Haydn's "The Creation" which we did only recently.

In addition, it seemed everything about Sarah Lancashire's character struck a chord with me. Her son was called Kyle (!!), she had been married for 20 years to a dismissive, blaming and bored husband and by the end, she was desperately unhappy and confused, and ready to leave the group - even though singing was such an important part of her life. God, she even had the same iron as I do !

I know, I know, I'm probably reading far too much into it all. I'm sure I could probably make a case for most other programmes on TV reflecting my life in some way.

Take "Mistresses" for example ...........

A Whole Day

So, in spite of my resolution, I found myself looking forward to yesterday.

I even bought new underwear - a really pretty cream sheer lace bra with matching barely-there panties. I knew he'd love them. I put them on once the kids and Ewan had left in the morning. Then once I was ready, I drove over to Matt's flat. I felt so good. It was a beautiful sunny morning - not particularly warm but very bright. I had my music on loud and I couldn't stop smiling at the prospect of a whole day with him, especially as I knew he was looking forward to it as much as I was.

When I got there, he buzzed me in and was waiting at the door as I arrived. He was yawning though and had clearly just got out of his bed. He kissed me briefly and launched into how he was really tired and hadn't really wanted to get up and that I'd have to forgive him as he wasn't very good in the morning until he'd had his first coffee which he was just about to have and did I want one. I told him yes and gave him some danish pastries that I had stopped off at the bakery to get but he just tossed them on the worktop in the kitchen and said he couldn't face anything to eat just then. Suddenly, the prospect of a whole day with him didn't seem quite so thrilling!

He made some coffee and brought it over to the sofa where I had settled myself. He tried to persuade me to go into the bedroom but I was slightly irritated by then and wasn't going to let it all go his way! So he sprawled out next to me, put his head on my lap and talked like what seemed forever about how tired he was because he had too much to drink the night before. Then he suddenly reached up and started playing with my hair and apologised for being grumpy. And thus started a morning of activity that went from his sitting room to his bedroom, via his shower !! He has such a great body and I like touching him, getting him excited, watching and feeling his reaction to me.

It was a fun morning and it was nice afterwards falling asleep in his arms as he kept kissing me and I liked waking up to find him propped up on one elbow just watching me. By mid-afternoon, we had just started to play again when he asked me what time I had to go. I said that I would need to think about leaving at about five and he laughed and said that actually he needed me to leave nearer four. I was quite shocked by that as I guess I had been prepared to have been persuaded to stay til six and here he was trying to get me out earlier. I asked him what he had planned and he said he just fancied some time alone !!!

I couldn't quite believe that. Couldn't believe that he didn't think it was even the slightest bit insensitive to say that to me. He was the one who said he wanted a whole day with me but he clearly didn't want to spend every last minute of it with me! I don't think he even realised that what he said was like a slap in the face as he then was keen to do the business again. I stopped him going too far though and soon got up and said that actually I had a few things I needed to get on with.

To be fair, he did seem genuinely confused and asked me why I was going so early and he tried hard to stop me getting dressed but I suddenly felt like I wanted to get away from him. I gave him a long kiss goodbye but I left feeling cheap and angry and my drive home was very different to the one in the morning when I had been looking forward to seeing him.

I know I said this was going to be the last day but now I know, this really does have to stop. I can't understand why I've let it go on so long. He's very inventive and very good in bed and so that is probably the reason. I like the way he makes me feel physically and that in itself is very addictive, but there is nothing beyond that. It is just about sex. He says he "connects" with me in a way that he can't with anyone else but for me there really is nothing more. He talks endlessly about himself which is fine because I don't speak that much when I'm with him - I just ask him lots of questions.

The thing is, this is nothing like my affair with Chris. My emotional relationship with him was as important as the physical side. He understood me so well and he was a friend to me which of course all went to make the sex even better, because I was so trusting of him. God, I don't want him in my head again. It took me so long to stop thinking of him and I don't want to start again now. The trouble is though, he has always been in my thoughts and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel now like I'm never going to get over him and I suddenly realise that my emotions are still so raw. The pain hasn't lessened and the memories of him are all still so vivid even though I try unsuccessfully to push them from my mind.

After much thinking last night, I see now that being with Matt has been some bizarre way of trying to make right in my head the way things ended with Chris.

Of course, it's not going to help though and so I need to end this pathetic affair.