Thursday, 9 April 2009

What Have I Done

I feel very unhappy

I haven't heard from Matt since I sent him that "I'm busy" text and for some reason that's really bothering me. Suddenly I'm worried that it was unnecessarily rude and that now he's probably deeply pissed off with me. I feel miserable and I can't seem to snap out of it because I've realised I miss hearing from him.

I sent the text because the more I thought about that day we spent together and the things he said, the more I just knew that I didn't want to meet him anymore. I felt there was nowhere further to go on our journey and that I had no more to invest in him. I certainly can't have him thinking of me in the same way he thinks of Karen - that I'll come running whenver he calls.

It was almost as if I wanted to reject him before he did it to me and I know that is a throwback to how Chris made me feel. Conversely, I never wanted to hurt him but I also felt he was bound to hurt me if we had carried on. I wanted to be the one in control right from the start of this. However, as I haven't heard from him since that text, I can can only assume that he's given up on me ....and that makes me feel shit.

I can't blame him as no one likes rejection but I thought he might try to find out once more what went wrong and then I could have attempted to explain. I'm really tempted to drop him a line but I must not do that if I am to retain control here. I don't want to weaken. It's so bizarre because I made the decision to end it so that I wouldn't leave this relationship a loser and yet, that's exactly how I feel.

I don't want him to hate me. I think that's what is upsetting me most. His attentions to date have validated me as a person and I'm anxious as to how I'll manage without that now. I'm pretty sure now that he's not going to get in touch and stupidly, I suppose I just wish he would.

Oh god, I want to cry. I really don't know what's the matter with me and why I'm being so pathetic and contrary in my thinking. What I really need is someone I can talk to honestly - a true friend. However, even though I have so many friends, (many of whom have confided in me) real friendship between two people is the capacity to make emotional demands on each other without incurring guilt or irritation and I can't do that. When people have told me their deepest secrets, it's hopefully because they know I'm discreet and non-judgemental. The only person I thought I had found that with, was Chris. I thought I could divulge information which was potentially damaging to the image I usually like to portray about myself. He let me down though and that is definitely the crux of my deeper unhappiness because just thinking about that makes me want to cry. I still don't understand what happened there.

Anyway, the bottom line is there is no one I can call who I feel won't judge me. That's why this blog is so useful I guess. At least, here I can write honestly and say what I really feel.

We're driving to France tonight where we'll spend Easter. It will be good to spend time with the family, focus completely on them and not give Matt a second thought. I've decided to leave my mobile at home because I don't want to look with excitement everytime it beeps with a text message..... or get desperately upset when it stays silent.

I need to put this all behind me and stay strong.

1 comment:

  1. I say be firm in your resolve and keep your power even if it does feel like shit, as you suggest. I went through a bad codependency thing with my 2nd wife and it took a year's counselling to break that behavior. On the other hand, you have to address your genuine feelings for him and deduce where they come from. For what it's worth.