I was working in Manchester last week. It was pretty hectic but I have enjoyed being busy because amongst other things it helped keep my mind off Matt. Even so, I haven't really been able to get that day I spent with him out of my head.
Reading back what I wrote about it doesn't really convey what a disappointment it was. The more I think about it, the more I realise just how much things have changed from when we first got together. Then, he was very sweet and tender and gentle - he made me feel special. But on that Wednesday, something felt different. He was almost rude and a lot more brutal with me - if that's the right word. Yes, the sex was good but it was all about him and what he wanted. I almost felt he was pushing me to act out some of the pornography that he's told me he enjoys watching so much. Some of it I did ...and some I refused.
The talk was all about him too. That in itself isn't such an issue because even if he did ask about me I wouldn't tell him anything of any worth. I've always had a problem letting people in. It's probably to do with not wanting to be made a fool of. I think that is why I felt so let down by Chris who I did open up to. I told him a lot of things in the foolish belief that he was a friend more than a lover. I really am so stupid and am getting irritated now just thinking of him again.
Back to Matt and I'm bothered by a lot of the things he said. He talked a lot of Kelly, for example. I don't particularly like her but I do feel sorry for her when I hear him talk so dismissively of her. He doesn't think it matters that he's being unfaithful to her. In fact, he says he doesn't even think about it. He also talked about Karen and actually laughed as he spoke of how she fell for him and how he reckons she's still not over him, even after all this time. He said he was sure that he could get her to come running if he wanted to and he boasted of how she told him sex with him was the best she'd ever had and that she was willing to do anything he suggested. In fact, he told me proudly she let him film them together even though she regretted it afterwards. She asked him to delete the film from his computer and he told her he would. He then told me that of course, he still has it.
Thinking about that, I just know I don't want to be one of his "women". I don't want him to talk, or laugh, about me like that to his next conquest. I feel such a fool. What have I been doing with him all this time? He made me feel attractive again, I suppose ....and young, but so ??
I haven't been in touch with him since I left his flat, even though I've had endless messages and voicemails asking where I am, if I'm OK, why I haven't been in touch, if he's fucked up, what he needs to do go get me to speak to him again, etc.
After what seemed like a barrage of texts this morning, imploring me to call him, I finally sent him a curt reply saying I was busy.
I haven't heard from him since.
Into the Wild Open Spaces
2 days ago