We got back from France at the weekend.
It was lovely. The weather was wonderful, food fabulous and the people we met were great. It was a really good opportunity to relax as a family and get some much-needed time together. Of course, Kyle brought all his books along and spent time each day keeping to his revision timetable as he is taking some of his GCSEs a year early. We didn't tell him to do that but he is naturally conscientious - he didn't get that from me! His sister on the other hand who also has exams next month came armed only with her iPod and a few magazines !
Still we didn't hassle them - the idea was to get away from it all. Ewan was on great form. He always is when he's away from the day-to-day routine of life, which I guess says a lot. He becomes so affectionate and thoughtful and talkative. We managed to get some time alone together and went for walks along the beach. Throughout the holiday, he was always holding my hand or putting his arm around me or kissing me....much to the children's disgust, who kept telling us to stop doing that in public !
The thing is, Ewan is a good man. We are a good couple, I suppose. My fling with Matt, or the flings I have had in the past, are not about him. They're about some problem deep within me that I really need to find a way of addressing. We have a good sex life so it's not that I am searching for. He provides for me and takes his share of responsibilities around the house so it's not as if I'm left with everything to do. He's a fantastic father and Sasha and Kyle absolutely adore him - more than me I'm sure, but it's not jealousy. It's been great while we've been away and we've got on well but at home I know that he makes me feel irritated, burdened and just plain belligerent. I really need to work out what it is that makes me feel like that because again, I don't think that's down to him - it's me.
I made a determined effort not to think about Matt all of last week but on the journey back I found my thoughts drifting back to him. As soon as I got home, I went straight to my mobile which I had left on the bedside table and amongst all the texts were three from Matt. One sent on Good Friday: Still not talking to me then? the next on Easter Sunday: Happy Easter x and then one sent on Wednesday: Please tell me what's going on - I miss you xx
I haven't answered but I'm so pleased that he has been in touch. I had steeled myself up to expect nothing so I was relieved to see that he has been thinking of me. I don't know what I'm going to do about it though. I'll make a decision when I get back to work tomorrow but now that I have heard from him, I've had the luxury of, bizarrely, being able to put him out of my mind and enjoying these couple of days as the perfect stay-at-home wife and mum.