So, in spite of my resolution, I found myself looking forward to yesterday.
I even bought new underwear - a really pretty cream sheer lace bra with matching barely-there panties. I knew he'd love them. I put them on once the kids and Ewan had left in the morning. Then once I was ready, I drove over to Matt's flat. I felt so good. It was a beautiful sunny morning - not particularly warm but very bright. I had my music on loud and I couldn't stop smiling at the prospect of a whole day with him, especially as I knew he was looking forward to it as much as I was.
When I got there, he buzzed me in and was waiting at the door as I arrived. He was yawning though and had clearly just got out of his bed. He kissed me briefly and launched into how he was really tired and hadn't really wanted to get up and that I'd have to forgive him as he wasn't very good in the morning until he'd had his first coffee which he was just about to have and did I want one. I told him yes and gave him some danish pastries that I had stopped off at the bakery to get but he just tossed them on the worktop in the kitchen and said he couldn't face anything to eat just then. Suddenly, the prospect of a whole day with him didn't seem quite so thrilling!
He made some coffee and brought it over to the sofa where I had settled myself. He tried to persuade me to go into the bedroom but I was slightly irritated by then and wasn't going to let it all go his way! So he sprawled out next to me, put his head on my lap and talked like what seemed forever about how tired he was because he had too much to drink the night before. Then he suddenly reached up and started playing with my hair and apologised for being grumpy. And thus started a morning of activity that went from his sitting room to his bedroom, via his shower !! He has such a great body and I like touching him, getting him excited, watching and feeling his reaction to me.
It was a fun morning and it was nice afterwards falling asleep in his arms as he kept kissing me and I liked waking up to find him propped up on one elbow just watching me. By mid-afternoon, we had just started to play again when he asked me what time I had to go. I said that I would need to think about leaving at about five and he laughed and said that actually he needed me to leave nearer four. I was quite shocked by that as I guess I had been prepared to have been persuaded to stay til six and here he was trying to get me out earlier. I asked him what he had planned and he said he just fancied some time alone !!!
I couldn't quite believe that. Couldn't believe that he didn't think it was even the slightest bit insensitive to say that to me. He was the one who said he wanted a whole day with me but he clearly didn't want to spend every last minute of it with me! I don't think he even realised that what he said was like a slap in the face as he then was keen to do the business again. I stopped him going too far though and soon got up and said that actually I had a few things I needed to get on with.
To be fair, he did seem genuinely confused and asked me why I was going so early and he tried hard to stop me getting dressed but I suddenly felt like I wanted to get away from him. I gave him a long kiss goodbye but I left feeling cheap and angry and my drive home was very different to the one in the morning when I had been looking forward to seeing him.
I know I said this was going to be the last day but now I know, this really does have to stop. I can't understand why I've let it go on so long. He's very inventive and very good in bed and so that is probably the reason. I like the way he makes me feel physically and that in itself is very addictive, but there is nothing beyond that. It is just about sex. He says he "connects" with me in a way that he can't with anyone else but for me there really is nothing more. He talks endlessly about himself which is fine because I don't speak that much when I'm with him - I just ask him lots of questions.
The thing is, this is nothing like my affair with Chris. My emotional relationship with him was as important as the physical side. He understood me so well and he was a friend to me which of course all went to make the sex even better, because I was so trusting of him. God, I don't want him in my head again. It took me so long to stop thinking of him and I don't want to start again now. The trouble is though, he has always been in my thoughts and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel now like I'm never going to get over him and I suddenly realise that my emotions are still so raw. The pain hasn't lessened and the memories of him are all still so vivid even though I try unsuccessfully to push them from my mind.
After much thinking last night, I see now that being with Matt has been some bizarre way of trying to make right in my head the way things ended with Chris.
Of course, it's not going to help though and so I need to end this pathetic affair.
Into the Wild Open Spaces
2 days ago