I went back to work last Wednesday determined not to get back in touch with Matt.
However, I hadn't figured on his email that was waiting for me when I got back into the office. He had sent it on the Friday that we were still away, and it was long and heartfelt.
He said that he had missed hearing from me and had done a lot of thinking in a bid to try and work out what he could have done wrong but that actually he knew it was to do with how he had behaved on that day we spent together back in March. He said he knew, even at the time that he was being an arse, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. He had regretted it ever since and not just because I hadn't been in touch. He thought he could get away with pretending he didn't know he'd done anything wrong but given that I had refused to answer any of his messages he knew he needed to say sorry.
He went on to say that he was finding it difficult to function without me. That although he had tried to keep himself busy with other things, it wasn't working. He said it felt like living with sharp deprivation. That he was scared of facing just how much he was hurting and that if I shut him out of my life he would almost have to find a new way of living and he didn't know if he could do that.
He said he had never felt like this before and that all he could think about was me and he hated the thought of being responsible for hurting me or making me angry with him. He said he couldn't apologise enough for being a grumpy git and please, please would I forgive him because he couldn't lose me. He asked if I could at least call him so that he could better explain himself.
So, I did !
I know, I know. I should have left it but I couldn't help myself.
He was really pleased to hear from me when I rang him. He was in a meeting and left it so that he could speak to me because he was worried I wouldn't ring back, especially as he had almost given up hearing from me even though he had gathered from my out-of-office that I had been away.
I told him that he had upset me and that I didn't really want to carry this on but he said he would do anything to make it up to me, whatever it took. He said that he had realised now how precious I was to him and that he wouldn't jeopardise things again. The conversation kind of went round and round for quite a while but ended with him thinking we were back on. We're not, but there's no harm in being his friend. After all, I've missed hearing from him. From now on though, this will go my way. There will be no more sex - just some harmless flirting from time to time. In fact, that is how it has been since that call.
Deep down I'm ashamed of myself but I don't want to confront those feelings yet. For some reason, even though I don't particularly like him, I need him in my life .....
Into the Wild Open Spaces
2 days ago