So This Is Christmas

It's been an interesting Christmas season - most of it spent with Matt.

That first time with him was amazing and had such an effect on me. I couldn't stop thinking about him afterwards. That same evening he texted me telling me that he couldn't get me out if his head or stop remembering the feel of me.

Even after the family were back, when I should have at least tried to put him out of my mind, I told them I needed a long bath and spent an hour in the hot, steamy tub engaging in sex text with him. Never done that before although he's clearly practised at that particular art ....and it was fun.

We agreed to meet the following day and on the way back from work I stopped at the car park of the local woodlands where he was waiting and we spent an interesting hour in his car. It's a long time since I've done that and it was quite entertaining though not something I want to do too often - I'm far too old for that sort of thing and if I'm honest, there was something vaguely seedy about it. He enjoyed it though!

At this time of year, I am invited to some pretty high-profile Christmas parties because of my job and I usually have to go to them as it's the thing to do. They're all the same though and no amount of celebrities can take away from the fact that actually no matter how great the venue or how much food and drink is sloshing around, doing it all the time and having the same boring conversations is dull. However, this year they have provided the perfect excuse for me. My family have expected me to be out every night and so after an initial appearance right at the start of each one, I have left early and gone straight round to Matt's flat.

I should feel guilty but I can't. I've been justifying my actions by deciding that I have to do what I want for a change. I just want to be able to breeze down the street, smiling at the world ...because I'm happy! And I have been. I've definitely been walking along with a spring in my step. These things can never last - I know that - but it's a long time since I have felt so alive. Sex with him is so fantastic. It's been wonderful having someone discover me again and for me to take time giving him such obvious pleasure. Marital sex is OK, of course it is, but it has become so practised and routine with Ewan because we just go straight to what we know we both like. It's almost functional.

So in these last few weeks all has been good and I feel like a teenager. I keep letting my thoughts drift to Matt and what he does to me, especially when I'm stuck in meetings that seem to go on for what seems like an eternity. And I love that he just wants to be with me all the time. Even on Christmas Day, he texted me to tell me he was at the bottom of my road and had to see me. I grabbed an envelope and shouted that I had forgotten to drop in a Christmas card to old Eileen in the next street and ran to meet him. How risky was that? But thrilling nonetheless and I was so pleased that he wanted to see me, even on such a big day.

However, last night, I got a bit of a reality check. It was the first time after Christmas that I had been able to meet him and I told the family that I needed to pop round to see a friend who had been ill and I wanted to take some cake over. Soon after, I was in his bedroom. But just after I got there his phone rang and it was Kelly. Even though he went into his sitting room to take the call, I could hear that it was a difficult conversation and that she was clearly upset. He calmed her down and then I heard him telling her that it would be OK, he would get away from his friends as soon as possible and be round to her place in about an hour and make everything all right..... and that he loved her.

When he came back in the bedroom, he tossed the phone into the corner and jumped on the bed and started kissing me. I told him I thought he had said he was going to see her and he said he would but he had important business to finish here first. Suddenly, I felt uncomfortable, angry even. I got up and told him that actually, I had to leave. I knew he was shocked and even I didn't really know what was going on but I just wanted to get out of there. He tried to pull me back asking what was wrong but I left pretty sharpish and went straight home.

He kept texting through the evening asking what was wrong and what he had done and eventually I replied telling him that he made me feel cheap. That was it. I heard nothing from him after that and today he hasn't been in touch.

I think I've blown it.

The Deed Is Done

It didn't take long for Matt to name the day - we arranged to meet yesterday. I took the day off work, he called in sick and once I had seen Ewan and the kids off to work and school, I headed round to his flat.

Once again, the door to his flat was ajar but this time I didn't see him as I walked into the hall. I turned around to close the door behind me and there he was. He shut it and moved towards me saying nothing but just looking me straight in the eye. As much as I wanted to do something sensible like walk away into his sitting room or say something funny, I felt rooted to the spot as he approached me, unable to speak or even breathe. He took my bag from my hand and dropped it to the floor and pushed my coat off my shoulders and draped it over the bag, all the time never taking his eyes off of me.

He took my face in his hands, stroking my cheek with his finger. And then, he kissed me, very tenderly. And as the kiss got more passionate he pushed me back gently, into his bedroom with his mouth still on mine and before I knew it we were on his bed. And now his kisses were hungry and passionate and I felt helpless to do anything but respond. His hands were all over me and my body just wanted to give in but suddenly, it was as if a warning bell sounded in my head and I pushed him off.

His arms were back round me in seconds but this time he just stroked my hair and told me it would be all right, that he wouldn't push me and that he was sorry that he had gone so fast but that he hadn't been able to sleep all night because he was thinking about being with me. We talked for a while then - I can’t even remember what about, but it was mainly about him.
He kept kissing me though and telling me how beautiful I was and laughed when I asked if this was a practised routine. He said that no one had made him feel this turned on in a long time and that he hadn't stopped thinking about me since that first time I was in his flat and that he was actually worried about the effect I was having on him.

In between talking we fooled around a bit but after an hour or so, after he had succeeded in getting my top off, I felt I needed to call time and leave. He was fine about it, said he didn't want to pressure me into anything I didn't want to do. He got up, gave me his hand and pulled me up off the bed. As I tried to button up my blouse though, he kept kissing me and telling me that I was the most gorgeous woman he had ever been with and when I laughed and told him that didn't wash as Kelly was stunning, he looked at me and said she wasn't me. He looked so serious for a minute that I couldn't resist kissing him again, and this time it was even more passionate than before.

Before long, he pulled away and said, if I was going to go I needed to do it straight away or he wouldn't be responsible for his actions. I should have left then but I couldn't...or at least I didn't want to. He told me again that he was losing control but I kept kissing him and suddenly, he became the tiger I knew he was and pounced. He pushed me back on the bed and that was it - very wild, very passionate and ....very good. He made me feel so alive and beautiful and sexy. I didn't feel like the depressed 44 year-old frump that writes this blog all the time that I was in his arms.

It was nearly mid-day when I left and I have no idea how I got through the rest of the day but the family came home to a lovely meal and a clean, sparkling house with all clothes freshly washed and ironed.

Good sex has made me a superwoman I think !

I've Come To A Decision

I can't stop thinking of Matt.

It's clear that the inevitable is going to happen very soon. It's so ridiculous. I KNOW he's playing me and yet I'm still willing to fall into his trap. He's like a tiger who has been circling me and now with little effort I'm going to let him pounce without even the hint of a struggle.

But when he tells me in his emails and texts that he can't stop thinking about me and that he wants to feel his lips on mine and his hands in my hair again I just think I might as well let him. I asked him today why he's so keen and he told me that he thinks I'm beautiful and flirty and funny and sexy and clever and wise and he wants to be a part of my life. It may all be practised words but I love it !

I bet he said the same things to Karen. I almost despise her for being so pathetic to believe him so readily and yet here I am about to follow the same path that she trod.

In my last email to him today I told him I would see him again if that's what he wants - it's up to him now to name the day if he's really interested.

I can see myself on the edge of a cliff and I've made the decision to jump. I'll float for a while but that freefall will come pretty quick followed at some point by the crash to the ground. How badly hurt I'll be remains to be seen but for now, I'm going to imagine that it will be just fine.

Revealing conversations

Matt keeps messaging me. He's asked me if I can take a day off this week to spend with him. I've told him no and I've kept my emails brief, though the messages have been quite flirty I suppose.

He's called me a few times at work too and yesterday, we spent ages on the phone even though I had loads to get on with. He managed to drop in that he's had a relationship with one of the other women in the group - Karen. Like me, she's also much older than him (she's older than me!) and married and when I made that point he told me that's what he prefers. He said that even though he's with Kelly, she is not really his type and that he's always preferred "more mature, more experienced women who know themselves and the world around them better, and who are easier to talk to than an airhead in her 20's who can only talk about her hair and what to wear". He was almost quite brutal about someone who, after all, he has chosen as his girlfriend.
He got together with Karen a couple of years ago during one of the shows where they had to sing a love song together which ended with a kiss. He had suggested they practised and that's how it came about.

I remember at the time that I thought they were together a lot and he always seemed to be giving her a lift to the pub after rehearsals and she was very giggly in his company. She lost a lot of weight over that time which is a trick I seemed to have picked up too - I can't eat at the moment and the pounds seem to be falling off effortlessly....I'm not complaining though !!

It finished because he said he just lost interest fairly soon afterwards and found it difficult to connect with her as a person because they didn't have that much in common. I listened in complete fascination as he carried on talking and I realised that he is such a self-centred person - only concerned with what he wants and what makes him happy.

At the end of the day he sent me an email asking if what he had told me had put me off and when I replied that it didn't make any difference (meaning no because I don't have any intention to have anything more to do with you) he said that was good because he couldn't wait to get his hands and lips on me again. And suddenly, I was excited. Suddenly, I wanted to see him again. Suddenly, I realised that I need adventure in my life. After all, isn't that what everyone wants. I'm not clever enough to be a spy or fit enough to go climb Everest or trek to the North Pole. So my thrills will have to come from a pathetic, illicit affair with someone who I know is going to end up hurting me.

I can try and fight it but maybe I don't want to.

Remembering I Am Married

So, Matt has been messaging me but I have kept things very cool. I have answered but not with any sort of encouragement.

That evening at his flat was a mistake and fortunately it didn't go too far so the situation is repairable. I don't need him in my life and meanwhile, I have my lovely husband who doesn't deserve this treatment.

We've just had a lovely few days together. My mother took the kids off to Center Parcs (she doesn't care that they're supposed to be at school and I couldn't be bothered to argue!) so we thought we would take advantage of the situation and maybe go off on a last minute break to Paris or somewhere romantic. However, in the end we decided to just stay at home and pretend we were on holiday - which was wonderful. We slept in, watched films, went out for long walks, talked (and laughed) a lot, went cycling, cooked together, had lots of sex and spent an afternoon in London visiting tourist attractions. I loved it and I think we needed that time to find each other again.

It's interesting though, that now Mum and the kids are back and we've returned to work and resumed our normal lives, we've gone back to how we always are. We don't seem to have learnt anything or kept anything from those precious few days.

I feel slightly cheated.

The Morning After

The morning after visiting Matt's flat last week, I woke up feeling incredibly guilty. What was I thinking? Even before getting out of bed, I had decided there could be no more.

I had a text from him fairly early on asking how I was but I ignored it. When I got to work, there was an email from him which I didn't reply to but when I got another one in the afternoon asking if I was OK and why wasn't I talking to him I suddenly felt guilty and so I replied, apologising for taking so long to answer. He's not stupid though and guessed that I was suffering from an "emotional hangover". I told him he was right and he said he would back off and leave me to sort out my head but that he was always there and waiting if I ever wanted to indulge in more "fun".

So here I am again. Why I am doing this? Each time I've had any contact with him over the week, I've realised that I don't think I even like him that much as a person - he's not someone I can have deep conversations with. In fact, I mostly seem to listen to him and what he's been up to. I tell him very little about myself, mainly by choice, but he doesn't seem particularly interested either. But, I do find him incredibly attractive ....and I'm flattered that he is interested in me. Maybe that's the reason.

I wonder though if this is more about proving to myself that I can stay in control which I didn't with Chris, who has been on my mind so much recently. It's probably easier that I can't talk to Matt with the same ease or that my stomach doesn't flip when I think of how he kissed me or held me or that he knows very little about me. I know that he was extremely turned on that night but that does nothing for me either. So even if I do manage to stay in control this time around, it won't mean anything because I haven't really fallen.

Part of me wants to make him to be desperate for me the way I was desperate for Chris. For some reason, I need to feel that I'm capable of doing this and then walking away untouched, which makes me sound so cruel.

I think I'm going to suffer for this. If he now loses interest in me though, I want it to be because he couldn't get anywhere. Not because he walked away from me - that's what I can't cope with. This has to be on MY terms - it has to be.

The best thing, of course, is to simply stay away.

I Have No Idea Why I Am Doing This

Last night was our singing workshop. It was also the night I agreed to "pop round" to Matt's flat. I tried to get out of it over the week but he managed to persuade me to stick to the original plan and in the end, it went exactly as I knew it would.

I tried not to think about my plans for the evening and went through the motions of my day at work almost on auto-pilot. I ignored most of his messages during the day, just sending him one to say I would nip round to his flat before heading off to the workshop.

I went home at the usual time, showered, changed into jeans, put on a little make-up, kissed Ewan goodbye, told him I didn't know how late I'd be and headed off to the singing group as I so often do.

Only this time I didn't go straight there. This time, I did indeed stop off at Matt's flat.
He buzzed me in and I took the lift to the eighth floor just as he'd explained. For a fleeting second, I almost didn't step out but the moment passed and then I was outside his door, which was ajar. I pushed it open and there he was, waiting for me in the hall, looking absolutely gorgeous - I'd almost forgotten just how cute he was, even though it can't have been more than a couple of months since I last saw him! But then, I guess I wasn't looking at him in the same way as I ever had before.

"Hello", he said "Welcome."
I smiled and was aware that my heart was racing. We both knew why I was there but I felt some sort of charade had to be played out.

"This is nice." I said "Show me round then."
So he took me round his small but lovely apartment. He had bought it brand new and he had a beautiful fresh and modern bathroom which I noted was sparkling clean! His kitchen was compact but again, very modern - not so tidy perhaps but there were a few gadgets around that suggested he was a bit of a cook. From there, he showed me into his living room - a big warm space with dark leather furniture and books and CDs and DVDs. I liked it - it was very him. And then, he led me to the bedroom - another big room, with a massive bed and a huge wardrobe.

I took my time as I looked round - opening cupboards and drawers and generally being very nosey. He just watched with a smile on his face. When we got to the bedroom I suddenly felt a bit nervous. There was nowhere else to go - we had been round the whole flat and now here I was leaning against his wardrobe not really knowing what to do next.

"Your flat is lovely." I said. He moved towards me and said "So are you." Suddenly his hands were round my waist and I felt the need to explain. "I don't normally behave like this." but he just shrugged. "It doesn't matter" he replied. "But it does" I said "I dont want you to think I make a habit of this sort of thing. I'm actually really nervous." He took my hand and put it on his chest "There" he said "Can you feel my heart beating - that's nerves!" I could feel a thudding beneath his muscles but before I had chance to register, his mouth was on mine. And that was it.

Suddenly we were kissing passionately and then we were on his bed and I was surprised at just how much I wanted him. But I held back. There was no way I was going to let him go all the way, though I could tell he wanted to and that he was very turned on. Before it all went too far, I pushed him off me and told him we needed to slow down and to give him credit he did, though over the next few minutes while we were talking, he kept kissing me very tenderly.

He's good - very good - certainly knows what he is doing with women. But I'm going to stay in control this time around. I'm going to be the one who calls the shots.

I told him we needed to go so that we wouldn't be too late for the workshop. He did try and persuade me to give it a miss but I was adamant that we should leave. He told me to go ahead as he needed to stay behind for a bit and "sort himself out" !

So, I went on to the group and hardly acknowledged him when he arrived though I noticed my heart racing. Every so often, I would catch his eye but mostly I pretty much ignored him.

When I got home, Ewan was already asleep and as I got into bed beside him, I wondered just when it was that I became so accomplished at deceit.