Keeping Mum

It was my mother's birthday at the weekend and so I thought it would be a good opportunity to write about her.

I have wanted to do that for a while now as I strongly believe that my relationship with her forms the basis of a lot of the pent-up discontent and dissatisfaction I have felt about life in general over the last couple of years. However, I have been sitting here for the last ten minutes just looking at a blank screen not really knowing where to start. The thing is, there is so much I want to say that I'm worried if I really start to let it out, I may never stop.

We don't have a volatile relationship punctuated by constant rows and disagreements. In fact, if you asked her what sort of relationship she had with her daughter she would say "excellent" because she has no idea how much she hurts and irritates me. Although actually, I think deep down she has a very good idea because I feel recently, she has been making an effort to be a half-decent person. As such, I don't feel inclined to unleash all my negative thoughts about her that harbour such misery.

So, in a bid to find inspiration on what to write, I looked back at what I wrote about her when I started this blog. As just a few minutes of trying to analyse my relationship with her has exhausted me, I'm just going to re-publish what I wrote back then. I know it's lazy but it covers what I need to say for the moment and I'll expand next time she has really upset me again.....if I can !!

So here it is, from last year:

Mimi - The Mother
Where do I start on the subject of my mother?

I tolerate her but deep down she drives me mad. Really mad. I'm sure my life would be better if she wasn't in it but a part of me worries that if she wasn't around, I wouldn't be able to function. How unhealthy is that? She has possessed me from the moment I was born.

Such a difficult woman - I don't know how my father lived with her for all those years but I know he loved her passionately and he never let me stay angry with her when she upset me. I know he loved me more but for all her temper, he never fell out of love with her.

He was ten years older than her and he met her when she was just seventeen and fell in love with her at once. He often told me about that party and how his heart started racing when she walked in with her friends. He said she looked older than her years in her white high-heeled boots and her little shift dress and her beehive hair and heavily-kohled eyes. He was completely smitten and she was flattered by the attention of this older and in her eyes, sophisticated man.

They married two years later and throughout their life together she behaved like a spoilt child who he indulged. Everything had to go her way and in their arguments, she wouldn't relent until he gave way. Oh, how I wished he would stand his ground with her but he never did....because he loved her and didn't want her to be unhappy. And she knew that and took full advantage of it.

When I came along, she was just twenty but she was obsessed with me. She didn't sleep or eat but just watched me constantly at the cost of her own health. She went down to just six stone in weight and then the doctor told my dad that she needed to put me in a nursery and get a job otherwise she would go mad. So she found a childminder and started working as a secretary at the local driving school. It was ridiculous because most of the pittance she earned went on childcare and the rest of it was her pocket money that she spent mainly on beautiful little dresses for me. I was like her doll.

One day when I was seven, she came to collect me after work and I cried because I wasn't ready to go home. She shouted at me all the way back to the house for that and when we got in through the door, she hit me. I still remember the physical and emotional pain of that strike and I never forgave her for it. She got another job soon after that and arranged for a neighbour to look after me for an hour after school finished, instead of the childminder.

I had to live up to her expectations - high grades, good behaviour, clean appearance. I learnt that if I did what she wanted, life was OK. If I didn't, I always felt she would withdraw her love. Even now, I still have that fear although part of me wishes she would, so that we could live apart from each other.

She came to live with us after my father died. She talks of him with great affection, about the wonderful times she had with him, about how much she misses his love. One of these days, I will lose it and scream at her that she made his life hell and that she didn't deserve him.....or maybe I won't, as I haven't all these years.

As the years go by, she is becoming almost impossible to live with as everything has to be done her way. She thinks she has the right to say what she wants, when she wants, to who she wants. It's as if she prizes that devil in her. It amuses her to let it slowly take over as she gets older. She thinks she has the right to goad and manipulate those around her and now at this stage in my life, I am finding it quite draining.

I blame her for the way I am. I know it's because of her that I cannot feel, though I can't explain how. I just know that it is because of her that I don't have any deep connection to anything, in a real way. I think I just go through life pretending to emotions that don't exist.

What on earth does that make me and would it suddenly change if she wasn't around?

Distractions

Ewan is home and I think even he has been surprised by the warmth of my welcome as I have been genuinely pleased to have him back. However, even though I'm so cross with Matt, I can't seem to stop thinking about him and how he made me feel when we were together. I haven't answered any of his texts or emails though and don't intend to. I just need to put him out my mind with whatever distractions I can find. And I think I have found the perfect exercise. Back in July, I was tagged by the fabulous Wife Of Bold and now seems the ideal time to settle myself down and answer. I won't tag any one this time round but if the mood grabs you, give it a go.....

1) Who is the hottest movie star?
Well at the moment, for me, it's Daniel Craig ! I don't really know why as he is not my type and he doesn't seem particularly charismatic as a person but I like his Bond and let's face it he's got a bit of a body on him!! I saw him in a film recently where he played a young guy having it off with his girlfriend's mother, played by the fabulous Anne Reid. That was quite a disturbing film to watch as he was a bit of a bastard in it but there was something hypnotic in watching him……
2) Apart from your house and car, what's the most expensive item you've ever bought?
I can't remember. I'm not a huge spender. I leave all those big purchases to Ewan who spends ALL the time - it's what we argue about more than anything. Whatever it was would have caused me some stress at the time I'm sure, but the best way to deal with that sort of thing is to then dismiss it from your mind !!!
3) What's your most treasured memory?
Oh gosh! Which one do I pick…There was my wedding day, the birth of my children (particularly Kyle who was born in the car - that's something I must remember to blog about in the future), children's first words, first steps but I guess the memory that's worth noting here is ….meeting Nelson Mandela!
4) What was the best gift you received as a child?
I wasn't allowed a Barbie or a Sindy doll when I was young - I can't even remember why. But I constantly whined for one and was constantly refused and then for one birthday, I was given a Pippa doll and I loved her so much. She had four or five outfits and eventually I got a bedroom and a kitchen for her - endless fun.
5) What is the biggest mistake you've ever made?
Starting up with Matt was clearly a huge error especially as I never seemed able to take firm enough control, until now.
6) Four words that describe you?
Weak, confused, self-destructive, disloyal
7) What was your highlight and lowlight of 2008?
- Being pursued by a gorgeous younger man who fooled me into feeling sexy and young again
- Hearing that my darling friend Sean had cancer.
8) Favorite film?
Oh I never know the answer to this question but I saw North by Northwest again recently and I'd forgotten what a fabulous film that is and just how well Cary Grant wears a suit.
9) Tell me one thing i don't know about you?
No! I'm afraid I can't do that! I have already laid myself bare and told readers of this blog more about myself than anyone else knows. I have to keep something back - a lady needs to preserve a little mystery, you know!
10) If you were a comic book/cartoon character who would you be?
Betty Boop - boop oop a doop x

Sorry? Pah !

Matt texted me today. He said he was sorry and that he understood why I was so angry, that he had been careless and stupid. He asked if he had blown it or whether we could meet up to talk it over. I haven't answered.

I feel sick. I need to go off and cry somewhere. Why do I feel so shit?

It's not as if I need this relationship - I don't. Even the sex doesn't do much for me anymore. I think I've just been going through the motions. I admit I was excited by his response to me which never seemed to dim, always as if couldn't get enough of me. I guess I was addicted to that desire, that adoration, that attention. But why? It's not as if I don't get it from Ewan. I do. Not so openly perhaps but I know he still fancies me. In Italy one morning, he watched me getting dressed and then pulled me down on to the bed and undressed me again. I know a lot of married couples who don't have that.

I feel so cheap which I think explains the waves of sickness and I guess I'm as angry with myself as I am with him. Stupid, stupid bastard ! This time it's final. I really am done with him.

I need to get my life back in order and have a welcome ready for Ewan that he deserves.

Rage

I'm writing this in fury. In fact, I'm practially shaking with anger.

Late last night, I rescued my phone from the bottom of my bag and saw a text that had been sent earlier in the evening from Matt
"I'm lying here thinking about you in all alone in your bed. Text or call me when you can. I'm desperate to hear from you."

It was late but I sent him one back
"Too tired to play now. Talk to you tomorrow. Glad you're desperate for me though!!"

Surprisingly he didn't reply which is very unusual but I didn't think too much of it and went to sleep.

This morning, he messaged me saying that he is in big trouble because Kelly saw the text last night and wanted an explanation. He has me listed in his phone as Sel and tried to tell her I was a male friend of his who he'd earlier invited to play online poker with. She was having none of it though and was in a rage.

She wasn't the only one. Since reading that I too have been raging. What was he thinking of - texting me when she was around? What sort of stupid w@$&er does that? And what does he expect me to do about it??

I texted back that he was a complete arse and that I was furious and I didn't want to do this anymore and that he was to delete my details from his phone because I didn't want anything more to do with him.

He hasn't replied since but I really don’t care as I have had enough of him and this is the last straw. He can go to hell.

Tosser !

Ciao Bella

Ewan is working in Italy for two weeks.

We decided to make the most of this opportunity by going over with him on Saturday until late last night when we left him there and returned home.

It was a great few days, if all too brief. I spent as much time as possible in the sun so that I'm ready for the winter and can stave off the SAD thing for as long as possible. As a result, I have finally managed to get a tan. I started to go a bit brown at the end of May when we had that glorious weather for a week or so but that disappeared fairly soon, along with any resemblance of a fine British summer. Now though, I'm happy and I have come into work in a short, floaty, summer dress and sandals to show off my berry brown skin to as many people as possible! Thing is, it's a bit cold ......

Anyway, I ate far too much while I was there but I take comfort in the fact that a lot of it was luscious fresh local fruit and veg: plump tomatoes; fiery peppery rocket; juicy blood red oranges; fat peaches dripping with what tasted like nectar from the gods and lemons the size of small grapefruits which made up the local liquor Limoncello, which is now my new favourite tipple (Sag, take note - I've brought back gallons and so need a recipe one Tuesday soon!) .

On Monday, the company that Ewan has gone over to work for had a barbecue to welcome all those who have made the trip and it was glorious. More eating and drinking, including a whole pig on a spit. I wasn't really sure about that as I don't like to see any resemblance to animals when I consume my meat - it makes me feel temporarily guilty. However, on this occasion the shame was just fleeting as I've never tasted such succulent pork - I went back for more three times !!!

At that barbecue, I met Elliot. Our eyes met across the gardens and I couldn't help thinking what a striking man he was. Before I knew it, he was by my side asking me what my name was and did I know I was the most beautiful woman there !!?? Of course, with an opening line like that I fell completely in love with him and we spent a lot of time together over the week. Ewan and the kids thought he was fab too as did my mother, who refused to accept that he was gay (oh, did I neglect to mention that bit?!) and kept flirting with him.

Watching her really makes me understand where the naughty side of me comes from and also how cringeworthy it is. I really hope I do it with more style than she does but I suspect I don't! Elliot didn't seem to mind - he thought she was great.

We're going to keep in touch and he's going to come stay with us and he's invited all of us to visit him in Oklahoma. Sasha observes that we are "bezzies" which apparently means best/soul mates. I think she could be right !! Although there was some competition, as we walked round the town, as to which of us could get more male reaction. I think he won by a mile.

I only got a "ciao bella" once!

The Date

Matt has been very sweet to me recently. I think he may have finally understood that I’m not happy about our relationship but that I don’t have the energy to do anything about it at the moment, and he is doing everything he can to stop me from making that break again, or even thinking about it.

Last week, he told me that he wanted to take me out on a “date”. He said he was tired of being holed up in his flat with me and he wanted the world to see that he was part of my life. I told him that given this was an illicit affair, it was precisely the reason I didn’t want the world to see, and that I preferred the holed up option!

He was having none of it though and said that he had found a singing workshop that he wanted to go to, and that he knew I would love, and that was out of town. So he had booked us on it and after some persuasion, that’s where we went last night.

I have to admit, I had a great time! He picked me up from work and we went off for an early dinner before going to the workshop which was run by a guy who has worked with some big names.

Matt was very attentive throughout the evening – he kept kissing me, holding my hand or putting his arm around me. It really felt as if he was showing me off and I liked that. We had a lovely meal and I was quite happy to listen to him, as usual. He talked about Kelly and how she has been asking for some sort of commitment from him which is putting him in an awkward position as he doesn’t feel ready to give her that but neither does he want to give her up. I pointed out it would be easier for him if I wasn’t on the scene but he said that wasn’t an option. He said he was very fond of her but he didn’t feel about her the way he felt about me. I want to take that with a pinch of salt but I think I believe him.

The workshop was great. It was all about singing with confidence and I feel I have found mine again now after all this time. Oliver, the guy who ran it was fabulous. He had us all singing in different styles. He brought out the rock god in Matt and the operatic diva in me and he told me I had a fantastic voice and that I could definitely sing professionally if I chose to. In fact, he asked us if we would be interested in singing at a Showcase that he is putting on in October for people from "the industry" ! He didn’t ask anyone else in the group so that was a great ego boost. He also assumed that we were husband and wife as he told Matt that he was married to a very special woman. I was about to correct him but Matt jumped in and said he knew.

On the way home, he said he wished he could be my husband. I told him not to say such things but he said it was important I knew how deeply he felt. If I’m honest, I suppose that thrills me in some weird way.

The trouble is, it also makes me feel increasingly uncomfortable.