Gosh! It's been a difficult few weeks.
I have come to the conclusion that I suffer from SAD - seasonal affective disorder, also known as the winter blues. I've noticed as I'm getting older that these bouts of misery hit me around January/February time and I'm convinced it's to do with lack of sun during the winter. I used to laugh at the very idea but now I seriously think it's a major problem for me. Next year I'm going to invest in one of those lamps. For now though, I think I might be over the worst. It may have been cold over the last week or so but it has been sunny and that makes such a difference. The daffodils are suddenly out in the garden and those buds on the trees mean it won't be long before the blossom is on the trees. In a week or so, when the chill has left the air, it will be my favourite time of the year and I'll have the whole of the summer to look forward to. Long, hot, lazy days stretched out before me - I cant wait. The brighter days and the knowledge that winter is nearly over has lifted my mood and I feel so much better - so much more in control again.
Matt is back but while he was away, I made a decision to end things. I haven't quite got round to doing that as his texts, emails and calls have been very warm and he is keen to see me. I think he may even be genuinely upset that I haven't let that happen. It feels good knowing that I'm back in charge. This relationship is going nowhere and will run its course very soon ....once I can bring myself to have that talk with him.
Meanwhile, I feel the blood in me is warming up again and that life feels worth pursuing once more. I think it was a call from my friend Dave that did it. We were at university together and he knows me so well. He rang a week or so ago asking why he hadn't heard from me and was I feeling blue again. I told him I was fine but he knew I wasn't as he called me pretty much every day last week forcing me to talk about nothing in particular and eventually making me laugh again. He said he was going to get the group together and sure enough, tomorrow we are all meeting up for the day and I am so looking forward to it. He's even arranged it so that everyone comes to my neck of the woods just so that I don't have to make the effort to drive any distance.
There are six of us who met at university and we have stayed together all this time. Amazingly, we all live within about an hour of each other and so make it a point to meet up every so often - sometimes with families, sometimes, like tomorrow, just us. I love them all to bits - they are like another family to me.
There's Nancy who's stunningly blonde and beautiful. She dropped out of her course to become a very successful model. She's completely dippy and yet one of the smartest people I know. She married her teenage love just after she left university and has spent the last twenty five years in and out of a turbulent, volatile, passionate relationship with him. They have three gorgeous children and I think at the moment they are together - although tomorrow I may find out that's not the case.
There's Ed who is a Detective Superintendent leading a murder squad in the police. But even now, after attending various ceremonies and events where he's received commendations and been honoured for bravery, I can't see him as anyone else than my Ed who is up there as one of the funniest people I know - I don't know how he does such a serious job. He's married with two kids and is the perfect father because he's like a big kid himself.
Rex is very gay and has always been in love with Ed, much to the amusement of the rest of us. He's a top television director and I still get excited and terribly proud when I see his name on the credits of some of the nation's favourite programmes. He's loud, camp, funny, outrageous and gorgeous and has spent the last ten years with the quiet, long-suffering and equally gorgeous Hassan.
Kim was the only one of us to get a First. She seemed to become a headteacher almost immediately, transforming a sink school into an academic success that now has long waiting lists. But surprisingly, she jacked it all in when she met the man of her dreams and then became a full time wife and mum of two. She's the sensible one, the one with all the advice and the one who gets the silliest when we've had too much to drink.
And then, as mentioned eariler, there is the lovely Dave - family lawyer. He's spent the last twenty-five years telling me he's in love with me even though in reality he's blissfully happy with his American wife and three beautiful daughters. He gets me more than any of the others - probably more than anyone else I know. He gets that I don't have emotional safety - that's the freedom to communicate any thoughts to your closest friends without fear of retribution or ridicule. He knows I can't imagine being able to do that with anyone but has always been there in case one day I find I can, with him. I've come close to it. He was around when Lee broke me and I may not have made it without him around to let me cry and fall apart. There were times when I almost told him about Chris but stopped short because I guess I don't want to lose his good opinion of me even though I know of all people, he would never judge me.
So that's the group! We haven't met up since the summer when we hired an eight-bedroomed mansion and spent a long weekend together, with our families. It was such fun - I didn't want it to end. I know that seeing them all will make everything OK again.
I cant wait until tomorrow.
Into the Wild Open Spaces
2 days ago