Matt texted me today. He said he was sorry and that he understood why I was so angry, that he had been careless and stupid. He asked if he had blown it or whether we could meet up to talk it over. I haven't answered.
I feel sick. I need to go off and cry somewhere. Why do I feel so shit?
It's not as if I need this relationship - I don't. Even the sex doesn't do much for me anymore. I think I've just been going through the motions. I admit I was excited by his response to me which never seemed to dim, always as if couldn't get enough of me. I guess I was addicted to that desire, that adoration, that attention. But why? It's not as if I don't get it from Ewan. I do. Not so openly perhaps but I know he still fancies me. In Italy one morning, he watched me getting dressed and then pulled me down on to the bed and undressed me again. I know a lot of married couples who don't have that.
I feel so cheap which I think explains the waves of sickness and I guess I'm as angry with myself as I am with him. Stupid, stupid bastard ! This time it's final. I really am done with him.
I need to get my life back in order and have a welcome ready for Ewan that he deserves.
Happy Winter Solstice
7 hours ago
Anger is good if you can turn it to something positive... but don't beat yourself up over this. I think you've got the situation pretty sussed. All you've got to do is stand firm and be true to yourself. Ewan's a lucky man. You've got to believe that you deserve some of that luck.
ReplyDeleteJeez, ya gotta get up early to beat Steve to the comment box! AGAIN, I agree with him. Don't beat yourself up, you've got a reprieve! Enjoy, guilt free! Hugs, A xx
ReplyDeleteI've got no good advice. Tough situation.
ReplyDeleteSelina, maybe you feel so cheap because you realise you already have what you are looking for, and all that was seriously put at risk. But you knew it all along, there is something else, an unanswered "why the need". All the guilt probably won't help you, only wear you down. Putting Matt behind you probably will help alleviate some of that guilt and help you find your answers or at least give you a better perspective of where you belong. Chances are you will welcome Ewan. This is good isn't it?
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
ReplyDeleteResist, resist, resist! Don't answer Matts text. You know you can, you are strong enough. And when you get a sec, pop over to my blog and collect your 'I love your Blog' award. xxx
ReplyDeleteI think the message everything about you is telling you, darlin' is that it's time to move on from that situation.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, you left it alone! There are some doors you just have to close and leave closed.
ReplyDelete