Matt texted me today. He said he was sorry and that he understood why I was so angry, that he had been careless and stupid. He asked if he had blown it or whether we could meet up to talk it over. I haven't answered.
I feel sick. I need to go off and cry somewhere. Why do I feel so shit?
It's not as if I need this relationship - I don't. Even the sex doesn't do much for me anymore. I think I've just been going through the motions. I admit I was excited by his response to me which never seemed to dim, always as if couldn't get enough of me. I guess I was addicted to that desire, that adoration, that attention. But why? It's not as if I don't get it from Ewan. I do. Not so openly perhaps but I know he still fancies me. In Italy one morning, he watched me getting dressed and then pulled me down on to the bed and undressed me again. I know a lot of married couples who don't have that.
I feel so cheap which I think explains the waves of sickness and I guess I'm as angry with myself as I am with him. Stupid, stupid bastard ! This time it's final. I really am done with him.
I need to get my life back in order and have a welcome ready for Ewan that he deserves.
What doth the Lord require of thee...
4 days ago