Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Trying To Talk

I’ve seen a lot of Matt since I went back to his flat from work that afternoon which explains why I haven't been blogging much or doing anything else much because I seem to be with him all the time. I haven’t felt good about it though.

The sex has been very urgent and he doesn’t let me leave easily without promising when I’ll be back and he texts and emails me all the time telling me how glad he is that I’m back and what he wants to do to me next time we're together. The thing is, however much I enjoy myself physically when I’m with him, I’m cross with myself for finding myself back here and I’m cross with Matt for being so smug about getting me back in his bed.

I tried to tell him this yesterday evening. In fact, before I got there, I told him I wanted to talk. We haven’t really done much talking since this all started back up again which I guess, is another reason I have felt a bit cheap.

When I got to his flat, we sat at his little table, which I don’t think we’ve ever done before. He poured out some wine and there were cigarettes next to the bottle. I don’t smoke and I wasn’t aware that he did so I asked what they were doing there and he said he suspected I was about to dump him again and so they were there to help him through the rest of the evening…even though he gave up years ago.

He’s very good at those disarming techniques. I almost decided against saying anything then but it was the smile playing around the corner of his mouth that made me realise that I couldn't let him play me.

I told him I wasn’t happy about the way things had just reverted to the way they were. That it wasn’t what I wanted and that I thought I had explained that in my email which I now felt he hadn’t read or taken any notice of at all. A discussion ensued where he pretty much said he had read my email but actually it didn’t matter because he was more concerned with where we were now and that he knew I wanted him as much as he wanted me so why was I making a big deal of something we were both enjoying. He said that actually he had shown me huge respect by staying away for so long, even though he had never stopped thinking of me – that he had dreamt about me at night and during the day until he had made a decision that he wasn’t going to carry on feeling like that if there was a chance that I wanted him back.

I felt we were getting nowhere fast because I didn't think he was hearing me, and then his phone rang. It was clearly a work call and not one he was pleased about. He paced up and down the hall and I could hear him shouting at whoever it was that they were completely incompetent. I was quite shocked, as in all the time I’ve known him I’ve never seen him angry. I picked up my keys and went over to the window and looked out at the amazing views from his eighth floor flat, as the sunset cast a fiery red glow over the river and the fields.

He came back clearly pissed off and not particularly happy to see me with my keys and my bag, ready to go.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to leave…..” but I hadn’t finished my sentence when he was by my side and had grabbed my arms.
“You’re not going anywhere Selina. I’m not going to let you leave me again. Can’t you hear what I’m saying to you? I’m completely obsessed, OK? I need you in my life.”

And then he was kissing me and the sex that followed was like nothing I’ve ever experienced with him. He was very rough with me, overpowering and almost forceful but still so full of passion that he took my breath away, literally!

Afterwards he was very gentle again.
"Please don't leave me Selina."

How can I? I feel trapped in his web of desire but actually, I don't want to make the effort to try and break free.


  1. Whichever way this goes, it does not look like it will be easy.
    Don't forget to put yourself first!

  2. You ignore your instincts at your peril... I feel a party pooper for saying it but I've been there. You need to get out now, for his sake as much as yours.

    And yet, and yet... you must do as Meggie says above: put yourself first. Look after yourself. Self preservation is a wonderful thing and sometimes it is the righteous thing to do.

  3. I think you should read Love and Garbage by Ivan Klima.
    And put yourself first (thanks Meggie), and it probably wouldn't hurt to consider what you really want from this. Is it just the sex? You can't fix things elsewhere if you've got your eye on another ball (so to speak!! oops). Maybe a counsellor would be good, especially as you're probably still got a few things going on with your dear friends death.
    be kind to yourself too. Hugs, xx.

  4. Wow - I concur with these wise folks. Do what *you* got to do. And also, trust your gut.

  5. Sounds like there is more lust than love in this description... guess it depends on what you are really after in the short term and long term... Who was it who said one should never enter a relationship with someone with whom a good conversation is not possible... as the sex can be found anywhere anytime ? Or something to that effect... Good luck...

  6. Meggie – thank you. The trouble is I have been putting myself first since I began this affair with Matt and it’s not right

    Steve – thank you. You’re right about thinking about him. I’ve only really looked at this from my perspective treating him a bit like the bad boy who has been out for some fun. But something has changed recently and I think he is taking it all more seriously ….but then why do I still get the feeling that’s all part of his game??

    Sag – thank you. I will search out that book. Getting a counsellor, considering why I’m doing this ….it all needs introspection and that frightens me as I don’t know what devils will come out. I started writing the blog in a bid to help myself. Not quite sure it’s working but maybe I need to go back and read what I’ve actually written !!

    NPT – thank you

    Deirdre – thank you. My gut is proving a very dangerous thing to trust …..

    Owen – thank you. There’s no love in this. There was never meant to be and there never will be on my part. There’s only one-sided conversation that comes from him because I don’t want him to know too much or get in too close. It’s about sex…and attention. Nobody offered it before or showed an interest and if I’m honest that might be why I’m scared to finish it because as I’m getting older, male attention which I have thrived on, if not acted upon, is going to disappear and that will leave me the sad old woman that I have dreaded becoming!

    Wow guys – THANK YOU! I haven’t done this individual answering of comments before and actually it has proved quite therapeutic in that it has made me think and address what I’m doing rather than just recording it. Feels slightly self indulgent though!
    I’m very lucky to have such a wise bunch of readers xxx