Friday, 7 August 2009


I thought I would go back to work yesterday to give myself something to do and take my mind off everything but I was pretty useless when I was there. I couldn't really focus or get down to what I should be doing and spent most of my time just looking out of the window, remembering various things about Sean.

For example, I remember going to lunch with him once and he told me off for having my mobile on the table which I kept looking at. It was a busy time for me at work then I think, but actually he was right. It had always been a failing of mine that I always used to have it out and be fiddling with it. He told me I used it as a security blanket - a way of showing others that I was important ...and wanted. He was so right! Since then, it has always remained firmly in my bag - rarely taken out in company. He was right about so many other things too and never scared to tell me. That's one of the reasons why I loved him so much.

I don't know how many times my eyes welled up and I got that lump in my throat. It didn't matter what I did, I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

And then my phone beeped with a text. It was from Matt.
"Are you missing me as much as I'm missing you?"

I should have ignored it but I replied saying that I couldn't really answer because I had just had some bad news. He immediately called and again I shouldn't have picked up but I did and before I knew it I was crying down the phone and telling him about Sean. He told me he was sorry, really sorry and asked what he could do to help. I said nothing and then he asked if I wanted to go over to his - just to talk. I should have said no but of course, I didn't .....

I ended up spending the afternoon with him. In his bed. I hate myself for having no strength of character.


  1. I've just been catching up on all your posts. I'm so sorry about your friend. I remember when you wrote about his illness a few months ago. I hope you're okay x.

  2. Don't beat yourself up - these things happen and the news has knocked you for 6. When we are grieving the need to be comforted is overwhelming. Also bear in mind that a lot of the responsibility lies with Matt - you were in a weakened, emotionally distressed state. He should have acted with a bit more honour, sensitivity and responsibility towards you.

  3. I kinda think whatever helps is fine. I don't know you or your circumstance, but I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. I lost my mother last year, and it was the most difficult thing I've ever been through. My advice in dealing with grief is to know that we all experience it differently, and to be gentle with yourself and your friends.

  4. I have to say I agree with Steve re Matt. However, as for grieving for your friend we all do it differently and it will take time, loads of time. I still mourn for my friend who died of breast cancer over 16 years ago, you just put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes. Hugs.

  5. We all do what we must do at the time and nobody should judge. Hug to you.