I thought I would go back to work yesterday to give myself something to do and take my mind off everything but I was pretty useless when I was there. I couldn't really focus or get down to what I should be doing and spent most of my time just looking out of the window, remembering various things about Sean.
For example, I remember going to lunch with him once and he told me off for having my mobile on the table which I kept looking at. It was a busy time for me at work then I think, but actually he was right. It had always been a failing of mine that I always used to have it out and be fiddling with it. He told me I used it as a security blanket - a way of showing others that I was important ...and wanted. He was so right! Since then, it has always remained firmly in my bag - rarely taken out in company. He was right about so many other things too and never scared to tell me. That's one of the reasons why I loved him so much.
I don't know how many times my eyes welled up and I got that lump in my throat. It didn't matter what I did, I just couldn't stop thinking about him.
And then my phone beeped with a text. It was from Matt.
"Are you missing me as much as I'm missing you?"
I should have ignored it but I replied saying that I couldn't really answer because I had just had some bad news. He immediately called and again I shouldn't have picked up but I did and before I knew it I was crying down the phone and telling him about Sean. He told me he was sorry, really sorry and asked what he could do to help. I said nothing and then he asked if I wanted to go over to his - just to talk. I should have said no but of course, I didn't .....
I ended up spending the afternoon with him. In his bed. I hate myself for having no strength of character.
What doth the Lord require of thee...
4 days ago