Grief

The funeral will be on Tuesday.

In the end, it was just Dave who came round yesterday. Nancy wasn't well and Ed's wife, Carolyn, is due any day now so he can't be too far from her.

I was right in assuming that Sean had told Jenny not to tell us anything so she thought it was just easier to cut off all contact. Dave spoke to her when she broke the news and he said she was in a really bad way. Even though she had been with him every day and watched him dying, it has still hit her hard. We're going to have to rally round her and look after her as Sean would have wanted.

Apparently, he was in a lot of pain in the last week or so and the morphine seemed to hardly help. He was pretty much out of it at the end but late on Sunday night, she looked up from her book and he was watching her. He motioned that he was thirsty and she gave him some water on a sponge. He smiled at her and mouthed the words "I really love you. Thank you". And then, he closed his eyes. He didn't open them again after that, and early on Tuesday he just slipped away.
I still can't believe he's gone. I feel so empty and I don’t know what to do with myself. I can't focus on anything and I don't really want to speak to anyone. My mind is just a mass of blank fuzz.

I don't know how I'll make it through the week or how I'll get through the funeral. I understand about closure and saying goodbye but that also means it will be so final and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.