All The Small Things

I haven't been in touch with Matt since I left his flat last Wednesday though he has been calling, texting and emailing. I miss him but I need to stay strong.

With that in mind, I thought I would try and get him off my mind this evening by watching "All The Small Things" as I noticed it was about a singing group and so thought it would be interesting,

For the first half hour though, I wondered if the writer had somehow been observing my sad little life. The group itself was very similar to the one I belong to with its myriad of different characters, even down to them doing Haydn's "The Creation" which we did only recently.

In addition, it seemed everything about Sarah Lancashire's character struck a chord with me. Her son was called Kyle (!!), she had been married for 20 years to a dismissive, blaming and bored husband and by the end, she was desperately unhappy and confused, and ready to leave the group - even though singing was such an important part of her life. God, she even had the same iron as I do !

I know, I know, I'm probably reading far too much into it all. I'm sure I could probably make a case for most other programmes on TV reflecting my life in some way.

Take "Mistresses" for example ...........

A Whole Day

So, in spite of my resolution, I found myself looking forward to yesterday.

I even bought new underwear - a really pretty cream sheer lace bra with matching barely-there panties. I knew he'd love them. I put them on once the kids and Ewan had left in the morning. Then once I was ready, I drove over to Matt's flat. I felt so good. It was a beautiful sunny morning - not particularly warm but very bright. I had my music on loud and I couldn't stop smiling at the prospect of a whole day with him, especially as I knew he was looking forward to it as much as I was.

When I got there, he buzzed me in and was waiting at the door as I arrived. He was yawning though and had clearly just got out of his bed. He kissed me briefly and launched into how he was really tired and hadn't really wanted to get up and that I'd have to forgive him as he wasn't very good in the morning until he'd had his first coffee which he was just about to have and did I want one. I told him yes and gave him some danish pastries that I had stopped off at the bakery to get but he just tossed them on the worktop in the kitchen and said he couldn't face anything to eat just then. Suddenly, the prospect of a whole day with him didn't seem quite so thrilling!

He made some coffee and brought it over to the sofa where I had settled myself. He tried to persuade me to go into the bedroom but I was slightly irritated by then and wasn't going to let it all go his way! So he sprawled out next to me, put his head on my lap and talked like what seemed forever about how tired he was because he had too much to drink the night before. Then he suddenly reached up and started playing with my hair and apologised for being grumpy. And thus started a morning of activity that went from his sitting room to his bedroom, via his shower !! He has such a great body and I like touching him, getting him excited, watching and feeling his reaction to me.

It was a fun morning and it was nice afterwards falling asleep in his arms as he kept kissing me and I liked waking up to find him propped up on one elbow just watching me. By mid-afternoon, we had just started to play again when he asked me what time I had to go. I said that I would need to think about leaving at about five and he laughed and said that actually he needed me to leave nearer four. I was quite shocked by that as I guess I had been prepared to have been persuaded to stay til six and here he was trying to get me out earlier. I asked him what he had planned and he said he just fancied some time alone !!!

I couldn't quite believe that. Couldn't believe that he didn't think it was even the slightest bit insensitive to say that to me. He was the one who said he wanted a whole day with me but he clearly didn't want to spend every last minute of it with me! I don't think he even realised that what he said was like a slap in the face as he then was keen to do the business again. I stopped him going too far though and soon got up and said that actually I had a few things I needed to get on with.

To be fair, he did seem genuinely confused and asked me why I was going so early and he tried hard to stop me getting dressed but I suddenly felt like I wanted to get away from him. I gave him a long kiss goodbye but I left feeling cheap and angry and my drive home was very different to the one in the morning when I had been looking forward to seeing him.

I know I said this was going to be the last day but now I know, this really does have to stop. I can't understand why I've let it go on so long. He's very inventive and very good in bed and so that is probably the reason. I like the way he makes me feel physically and that in itself is very addictive, but there is nothing beyond that. It is just about sex. He says he "connects" with me in a way that he can't with anyone else but for me there really is nothing more. He talks endlessly about himself which is fine because I don't speak that much when I'm with him - I just ask him lots of questions.

The thing is, this is nothing like my affair with Chris. My emotional relationship with him was as important as the physical side. He understood me so well and he was a friend to me which of course all went to make the sex even better, because I was so trusting of him. God, I don't want him in my head again. It took me so long to stop thinking of him and I don't want to start again now. The trouble is though, he has always been in my thoughts and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel now like I'm never going to get over him and I suddenly realise that my emotions are still so raw. The pain hasn't lessened and the memories of him are all still so vivid even though I try unsuccessfully to push them from my mind.

After much thinking last night, I see now that being with Matt has been some bizarre way of trying to make right in my head the way things ended with Chris.

Of course, it's not going to help though and so I need to end this pathetic affair.

How To End It

Over the last week, I toyed with the idea of apologising to Matt but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Partly because I don't think my reaction to his weird behaviour that day at the restaurant warrants an apology and partly because I thought this might be a good way to end things without having to have "The Talk".

I'm not good at finishing with men. I don't really know how to do it. I've tried it a few times in life but always ended up feeling bad, then agreeing to go back, and then getting dumped !

So, I thought that just letting the silence continue was the better option. But today, he emailed me.
Are you still pissed off with me? Are we not talking anymore?

I should have ignored it but I answered that of course I was talking to him and then that set off an email exchange which has resulted in me agreeing to spend a whole day with him later this week. We haven't done that before. Not a whole day. We've done snatched hours, and a half a day here and there but he said he wanted to spend time with me where I didn't have one eye on the clock and where I didn't have to rush off after sex but instead could fall asleep in his arms.

I like it when he says these things to me. It weakens my resolve of course but there's something about being pursued, about being made to feel desirable. So, even though I do want this to end, I will spend the day with him. Just one, last day.

Then next week, I'll tell him we're through.....

Spring Walk

It was such a lovely day on Sunday - the first real day of Spring that we've had this year.

Ewan was holed up in the study working to some deadline next week which has got him all stressed and sullen. I decided to leave him to it and asked Sasha and Kyle if they wanted to walk down to the river with me. I used to take them there all the time when they were small which is why I kind of expected them to laugh at me and say no thanks. So I was pleasantly surprised when they were both up for it - they were quite keen, in fact! Mind you, I then had to wait for half an hour while Sasha put on her make up and then dither about what jeans to wear.

But once we set off it was really lovely. The weather was beautiful and both of them were in a good mood and particularly chatty. I'd actually forgotten how funny they both are - especially Sasha, who knows how to tell a good story. We talked about school and their friends and the volume of work they had. It was nice - I really enjoyed their company.

Once we got there we sat on the riverbank for a while and talked some more. I told them that when they were small, I used to take them to the river a lot so they could feed the ducks. And that actually, whenever I walked out with them in the pushchair (which wasn't often because I drove everywhere - as I still do), I was always so proud as people would often stop and comment on them both. Especially Sasha with her lovely dark curls and rosebud mouth - she was an exceptionally beautiful baby and now she's a gorgeous young lady. It's always interesting watching men's reaction to her.

It was so good sitting there with them just talking about nothing in particular but after a while some of their friends came along and they decided to join them for a walk. I didn't mind. It was nice sitting there alone just taking in the sun. I was just enjoying the solitude and thinking about how I couldn't imagine a world without the children or, in fact, without Ewan when suddenly I was aware of this bloke who had come to sit fairly near me. I wasn't overly impressed that he was there and then of course, he started talking to me.
"What a lovely day, eh?"

I smiled but didn't answer. I didn't want to engage with him, or anyone. But he continued
"I came here with my nephew yesterday"

God, why do blokes do this? It was clear I didn't want to engage and yet he went on. Normally, I would have made my excuses and left or maybe I would have replied with boring, polite conversation but I was cross that he had actually invaded my reverie and I wanted him to move. So while he was chuntering on, I interrupted him.
"Look excuse me. I'm really sorry but do you mind not talking to me."

It's quite unlike me to be that brusque and I immediately felt guilty
"I don't mean to be rude, it's just that I want to sit quietly and I'm not in the mood for conversation with a stranger."
"OK fair enough" he said, smiling "Didn't mean to annoy you - just couldn't resist!"

I don't get it. Have I got some flashing neon sign above me? FANCY TRYING IT ON WITH AN OLDER WOMAN?? THIS ONE'S EASY!

Inevitably, I started thinking about Matt then. I haven't heard from him since Thursday. I suppose I need to apologise to him but I don't feel like doing that at the moment. I got irritated then, thinking about him and now this bloke.

And then suddenly Sasha was back at my side, asking if I was OK and did I mind that they had gone off and left me and could she and Kyle go out for a meal with the others and would I be OK going back alone and by the way, who was the buff guy that I was talking to? When I told her that I didn't know but actually he had been chatting me up, she was seriously impressed!
"Really?! He was lush! Wow Mum, you've still got it! Wait til I tell the others. I love that you look so young - none of the other mums do."

Hmmm .... I think that's the nicest thing she's ever said to me !!

Friends

It was fantastic!

I was late, as usual, and when I walked into the restaurant, they all cheered ! It was so lovely to see them all. There was lots of hugging and kissing and we set the noise level there and then but fortunately there weren't many other customers around. I was laughing within seconds - so hard at one stage, at something Ed said, that I could hardly breathe.

We started on the wine straight away and given that I hadn't had any breakfast it didn't take me long to feel the effects and the others weren't far behind. It's so hard to put into words why it was so good, why it's always so good with us, but I can't really describe it in a way that anyone who doesn't know us would understand. We talked of what was going on with each of us and gossiped about people we knew and remembered funny things from years gone by. How do you describe deep friendships? Especially as my relationship with each of them is different. All I know is that I love them to bits and they'll never know how much it meant that they made the effort to spend the day with me. Although, I did try to tell them ....when we were on the fifth bottle I think! I wasn't particularly eloquent and was finally interrupted by Rex
"Oh what are you talking about, you old tart - shut up! Dave told us you needed us and so here we are.......mind you, I wouldn't have come if Ed had said no!!"

By late afternoon, we were all being incredibly loud but the staff were very patient with us. Our waiter was lovely (very good-looking too) and I think he was quite enjoying himself with our group as all of us girls were flirting with him ....as was Rex! He came over at one point to see what he could get us and was taking orders for coffee and more wine when Kim, who is so funny when she is drunk, suddenly said to him
"Don't you think Selina's hair is lovely."
We all started screeching with laughter and he said (in his lovely Italian accent)
"Yes. In fact, she is very lovely"
"No, I know" said Kim "but don't you think her hair looks cute?"
"It is beautiful" he said " very soft and shiny. If I was her man I would want to stroke it all the time."
We were all falling about then and Kim persisted
"Go on then touch it - it's really gorgeous."

He looked at me and asked if he could and of course, I said yes and so he did. He said it was very sexy, like me, and we all screamed with laughter some more - he must have thought were such a bunch of fools. Then Rex started shouting "come and stroke mine" and we all screamed some more and then suddenly my phone bleeped with a text. It took me a second or two to focus on the message but it was from Matt
How come you are letting that sleazy waiter touch your hair

I was so shocked and my head whipped round to see where he was in the restaurant but he wasn't there. And then I looked out of the window and there he was, over the road, leaning against a lampost and smiling. As I stared at him in disbelief another text came through:
Told you I would be checking up on you. Sorry, I couldn't resist! I'm jealous that you're having such a good time. Fancy leaving them and coming home with me?

There may have been a time, I don't know, when I would have been thrilled to see him there but actually I was really angry. I took my phone into the ladies and messaged him that I would not be leaving and that I was freaked out that he was there and that when I returned to the table I expected him to be gone.

He was and of course, that made me feel a bit guilty that I had been so sharp. Why did he have to put a dampener on things?

Later Nancy, who is apart from her husband at the moment, told me about a situation she's in with some bloke and I almost...almost told her about Matt. Fortunately, though I didn't.

They all love Ewan - I can't tell any of them any of this

Hair

Today I was so excited when I woke up - like a child at Christmas. I haven't felt like that for such a long time and I must remember it for the next time I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I don't think I've ever been so keen to see the others. I just know they are going to be exactly the tonic I need. I can't wait to catch up with them and hear their news and laugh with them. We gel so well as a group and I think that's what I'm looking forward to the most.

I looked in the mirror as soon as I got out of bed and for the first time in ages, I liked what I saw ! That's partly because I left work early yesterday and made a long overdue visit to Tony, my hairdresser. See, there's something else I should have remembered to do when I was feeling miserable because he never fails to make me feel good.

I've been going to him since I was twenty. We hit it off straight away when we first met and I let him use me as a model when he was desperate to make it as a "celebrity hair stylist". We went to lots of hair and fashion shows and had a riot. One year, he was even nominated for Hairdresser of the Year and I was part of his raucous table at the Grosvenor House Hotel in London. He didn't win and was terribly bitter about it as he always has been when he loses anything. He's had a pretty wild life - on his fourth wife now I think!! Over the years, I've organised press events and various launches for him and often get him in when we need top stylists. As a result, I don't think I've paid for a haircut for over twenty years !

He made me laugh so much yesterday even though he was, as ever, incredibly rude. He started as soon as I walked into the salon, with his loud cockney voice,

"Oh my gawd ! Look what the cat's dragged in"
"Hello darling."
"Don't you darling me. How long's it been? You're supposed to come here every four to six weeks and when were you last here?"
"Oh I don’t know. Don't start"
"Don't start! Don't fucking start?? You can't wander in here when you feel like it and expect me to work bleeding miracles. Look at the state of you. Come over here and give me a kiss at least - you look like you need a hug."

He was right - I did need a Tony hug....even though he always manages to sneak in a quick squeeze somewhere inappropriate.

"What's the matter with you then? Why do you look so rough?"
"Oh shut up! I don't look that bad"
"Yeah you do - you look shit! Don't worry though I'll make you look like a goddess again...."

And he did. He washed my hair (he never lets anyone else do it) complete with the most sensual scalp massage which he does so well along with the regular running commentary that I get every time, that this is just a taster of how fantastic he would be with me in bed !! It's so pathetic that his practised flirtations really do make me feel good - they always have done.

As usual he asked me what look I wanted and as usual, he ignored me! I told him to cut it short but he refused. I maintain that a woman in her forties shouldn't have long hair but he says that I can carry it off because I don’t look like a woman in her forties - he convinces me everytime !! Mind you, he did cut a fair bit off and put lots of layers in it. I love it - it's very cute. He also covered the increasing grey and put in some copper highlights which I adore. I feel young again.

While I was there, I got a text from Matt asking me where I was and if I was free to talk. I messaged back saying no because I was having all my hair cut off. He texted back immediately saying he hoped that was a joke because my "lovely long hair" was one of the things that turned him on the most. He told me to pop by the flat on my way home so he could check me out. I ignored the text not intending to "pop by" at all but I felt so good when I left the salon and loved the way I looked so much that I couldn't resist.

He was very appreciative. He couldn't stop touching my hair and kissing me but I didn't let it go any further which I could tell perplexed him but he didn't push me. I think he knows that I don't want to do this anymore. Although, I have to say when he is telling me how beautiful I am and how he can't stop thinking about me I wonder if I really do want to end things......

Anyway, I didn't stay long. He asked me if I'd had my hair done for him and I put him straight and then told him about my friends, which is probably the most I've ever told him about myself. Of course, all he wanted to know was if I had slept with any of them! He also wanted to know where we were meeting and when I told him he said he would be stopping by to check I was behaving myself.

Telling him about it made me look forward to it even more. God, I hope it's not a disappointment. Maybe I'm building it up too much.....

On The Up

Gosh! It's been a difficult few weeks.

I have come to the conclusion that I suffer from SAD - seasonal affective disorder, also known as the winter blues. I've noticed as I'm getting older that these bouts of misery hit me around January/February time and I'm convinced it's to do with lack of sun during the winter. I used to laugh at the very idea but now I seriously think it's a major problem for me. Next year I'm going to invest in one of those lamps. For now though, I think I might be over the worst. It may have been cold over the last week or so but it has been sunny and that makes such a difference. The daffodils are suddenly out in the garden and those buds on the trees mean it won't be long before the blossom is on the trees. In a week or so, when the chill has left the air, it will be my favourite time of the year and I'll have the whole of the summer to look forward to. Long, hot, lazy days stretched out before me - I cant wait. The brighter days and the knowledge that winter is nearly over has lifted my mood and I feel so much better - so much more in control again.

Matt is back but while he was away, I made a decision to end things. I haven't quite got round to doing that as his texts, emails and calls have been very warm and he is keen to see me. I think he may even be genuinely upset that I haven't let that happen. It feels good knowing that I'm back in charge. This relationship is going nowhere and will run its course very soon ....once I can bring myself to have that talk with him.

Meanwhile, I feel the blood in me is warming up again and that life feels worth pursuing once more. I think it was a call from my friend Dave that did it. We were at university together and he knows me so well. He rang a week or so ago asking why he hadn't heard from me and was I feeling blue again. I told him I was fine but he knew I wasn't as he called me pretty much every day last week forcing me to talk about nothing in particular and eventually making me laugh again. He said he was going to get the group together and sure enough, tomorrow we are all meeting up for the day and I am so looking forward to it. He's even arranged it so that everyone comes to my neck of the woods just so that I don't have to make the effort to drive any distance.

There are six of us who met at university and we have stayed together all this time. Amazingly, we all live within about an hour of each other and so make it a point to meet up every so often - sometimes with families, sometimes, like tomorrow, just us. I love them all to bits - they are like another family to me.

There's Nancy who's stunningly blonde and beautiful. She dropped out of her course to become a very successful model. She's completely dippy and yet one of the smartest people I know. She married her teenage love just after she left university and has spent the last twenty five years in and out of a turbulent, volatile, passionate relationship with him. They have three gorgeous children and I think at the moment they are together - although tomorrow I may find out that's not the case.

There's Ed who is a Detective Superintendent leading a murder squad in the police. But even now, after attending various ceremonies and events where he's received commendations and been honoured for bravery, I can't see him as anyone else than my Ed who is up there as one of the funniest people I know - I don't know how he does such a serious job. He's married with two kids and is the perfect father because he's like a big kid himself.

Rex is very gay and has always been in love with Ed, much to the amusement of the rest of us. He's a top television director and I still get excited and terribly proud when I see his name on the credits of some of the nation's favourite programmes. He's loud, camp, funny, outrageous and gorgeous and has spent the last ten years with the quiet, long-suffering and equally gorgeous Hassan.

Kim was the only one of us to get a First. She seemed to become a headteacher almost immediately, transforming a sink school into an academic success that now has long waiting lists. But surprisingly, she jacked it all in when she met the man of her dreams and then became a full time wife and mum of two. She's the sensible one, the one with all the advice and the one who gets the silliest when we've had too much to drink.

And then, as mentioned eariler, there is the lovely Dave - family lawyer. He's spent the last twenty-five years telling me he's in love with me even though in reality he's blissfully happy with his American wife and three beautiful daughters. He gets me more than any of the others - probably more than anyone else I know. He gets that I don't have emotional safety - that's the freedom to communicate any thoughts to your closest friends without fear of retribution or ridicule. He knows I can't imagine being able to do that with anyone but has always been there in case one day I find I can, with him. I've come close to it. He was around when Lee broke me and I may not have made it without him around to let me cry and fall apart. There were times when I almost told him about Chris but stopped short because I guess I don't want to lose his good opinion of me even though I know of all people, he would never judge me.

So that's the group! We haven't met up since the summer when we hired an eight-bedroomed mansion and spent a long weekend together, with our families. It was such fun - I didn't want it to end. I know that seeing them all will make everything OK again.

I cant wait until tomorrow.