Fame

A few weeks ago one of the Sunday supplements featured quite a famous actress on their "A Day In The Life" page. I read it with interest because effectively .... I wrote it !

She had agreed with her agent that she would make herself available for the interview but when the magazine called her she couldn't face talking "so early in the morning" (I think it was about ten!) so she asked if they could send her the questions and she would then put something together and email it back to them. I think that's probably fairly standard practise as they didn't argue with her. Mind you, they wouldn't, as she can be quite formidable!

Anyway, she then rang me out of the blue and asked if I would "come round, dahling, because I'm sure you can help me with this wretched thing" ! I was quite surprised as even though I have met her on a number of occasions at various events where she always tells me she thinks I am "delightful company" and even though she has invited me to a couple of her soirees, and even though she has my number, she doesn't usually call me up.

Nevertheless, I went round and she was very entertaining. We sat in her beautiful country garden on the patio and I went through the list with her, writing down what she said and we came up with her "day" which I then typed out and emailed back to the magazine. She was most grateful but I still don't really know why she picked me to help her out. I was very flattered though and we then had a lovely afternoon. She told me about her colourful life including a few revelations about her relationship with her late husband and she also told me about a few issues that had been bothering her recently.

I'm always amazed that people choose to open up to me and I don’t know why. Maybe it's because I listen well. I think after talking to me, people feel their problems are more manageable even though I hardly say anything. I just offer lots of sympathy and some two-penny advice. At the end of the day, people just want someone to listen. I know I do .....but there isn't anyone.

Anyway, she sent me flowers the next day with a message telling me again how "delightful" I was and how we must get together soon. Needless to say I haven't heard from her since but it doesn't matter - I think she's fab.

I found the list of questions at the bottom of my bag this morning:

- when and how do you wake up
- what's the first thing you see when you draw the curtains
- what do you have for breakfast
- what do you usually do in the morning
- explain what job you have and the work you do through the day
- what do you do at lunchtime
- do you answer fan mail or personal emails or keep a diary or a blog or are you on any networking sites and do you twitter
- when do you see family
- does music feature in any part of your day
- what do you do for dinner
- how do you spend a typical evening
- do you have any hobbies that take time in your day, gardening, reading, etc
- when do you go to bed
- what are usually your last thoughts
- do you sleep well

I think I might do this myself .....

Smile

I'm watching the Michael Jackson memorial and sitting here blubbing away.

Not because I was a great fan and not because I'm moved by the service but because Jermaine Jackson just sang Smile and given how I have felt since I sent that email to Matt, it seemed as if he was singing it just for me:

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

I'll smile again tomorrow but tonight, I just want to keep on crying.

The Email

I have spent too long allowing Matt to affect how I feel. I notice that I tend to ruminate a lot on how depressed he has made me feel recently and I obsess a lot on the meaning of everything that has been said between us. I really need to direct my focus back to other things so I came to a decision this weekend. That I would come into work today and finish things. However, rather than call him, I took the coward's way and sent him this email:

Dear Matt,

Hope you're OK.

I'm guessing you're "grumpy" with me again. I suppose that's fair enough, but having given it some thought this weekend, it's not a situation I want to do anything about. In fact, I gave you the opportunity to bail out when we last talked about this but you chose not to for some reason - I wish you had.

You know, you've been a bit like a drug for me. I sort of wanted to stop this almost as soon as it began, but even though I tried, I wasn't able to! Suddenly though, and I know you feel the same, it's kind of wearing off and the answer is clearly just to end it now, once and for all. I suppose you have in effect anyway, haven't you, given that communication has been pretty non-existent lately. I'm not aware that I've ever been rude or unpleasant to you but your manner with me has felt a bit offhand lately to say the least.

I could allow you to go silent on me and just let it fade away but I didn't want to leave it with nothing meaningful said. The counsellor in me needs closure !!

And all I really wanted to say was..... thank you for the last few months. Your interest came as a complete surprise and made me feel fabulous for a while. You gave me a much needed boost to my self-confidence. I've lost two stone and I'm loving everyone telling me that I look great !! I do feel good now - alive again and ready to focus on other things in my life.

I know, if you're honest with yourself, that you agree with me. This was meant to be fun but it was only ever going to have a limited shelf life and now its draining for both of us - well it is for me, anyway. It really is best for us both to draw a defined line under this and get on. I'll always think fondly of you, Matt, regardless of what you think of me.

I guess that's it. God, I feel like I've just written War and Peace! If you ever need a friend to talk to I'll always be around, but for now I think it's best that we put a bit of distance between us...as you have started to do anyway.

Take care,

Selina

I felt so relieved after I sent it. About half an hour later, I got this reply:

I just got your email. It came as a shock but I can't and won't argue with anything you say.
You are so awesome. I haven't even scratched the surface of the person you are. I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you and it won't be easy getting over this but maybe it's better than being "grumpy" all the time because I can't have the relationship I want with you.
Don't be angry with me. I've acted like an arse, I admit it.
I'll miss you.
x

I'm confused again now ......

Here We Go Again

Matt is being grumpy and uncommunicative again. I know it's because I haven't seen him in a while but this is becoming a bit of a pattern.

It's ridiculous trying to talk to him when he's like this. He either grunts one word answers or takes issue with anything I say. For example, we were talking about Michael Jackson the other day, and I said I thought there had been a bit too much news coverage although it was probably warranted as he was known across the generations. I grew up with his music and my kids have always thought he was great and my mother loved his early stuff but went off him when he went "strange". In response, he said he never rated him and in fact, he was glad that the weirdo was dead and gone.

I was shocked by that, I have to admit. I said it wasn't a very nice thing to say and he sulkily said that it was his opinion and he didn't care what I thought. I realised then that there was no point continuing the conversation. We haven't spoken much since, apart from when he called to ask me to go round and I said I couldn't. That led to an abrupt end of the conversation!

It's very tiring and I just don't have the energy to plead with him to be nice or let him know that I'm affected by his behaviour, which I'm trying hard not to be.

I don't want to be made to feel guilty by him when I'm managing that emotion very well on my own. Anyway, I'm irritated now. I know I always say it but I do want to finish this. I'll see how it goes over the next few days.

In a way, I hope he carries on like this so that I can end it easily once and for all.

In Sypmpathy

Thinking about my dad so much has made me feel a bit low over the last few days.

It's the reason I couldn't bring myself to take up Matt's offer to go round to his flat on Monday. When he asked again yesterday, I felt that I owed him him an explanation and ended up talking for ages about my dad. Surprisingly, he listened to me. I mean he actually listened (as opposed to putting me on loudspeaker while he got on with other things!!) and seemed to be sympathetic. He told me how sorry he was and that he couldn't imagine how he would feel if anything happened to either of his parents and that of course he understood and would "leave me be" for a while. I couldn't quite believe this was the same Matt I was used to talking to.

This morning I came into an email from him:
"Hiya. How are you feeling? Is there anything I can say or do to make you feel better? I don’t like thinking of you being so down, it's so unusual for you. A face as beautiful as yours should always be smiling. xxx"

I have to say it did make me smile. What is going on with him? Why is he being so nice - so thoughtful, compassionate and unselfish ??
"You're a sweetheart!" I replied "Thank you but I'm fine, honestly. xxx"

I had hardly sent it, when his reply pinged back:
"Good! You can get yourself round to mine then as soon as possible because I want to make every tiny bit of you the sole object of my total and utter sexual pleasure. xxx"

Deep sigh! What was I saying about unselfish compassion ......

Father's Day

On Sunday it was Father's Day and it was also exactly ten years since my Dad died.

I can't believe I have lived a whole decade on this earth without him, as it just doesn't seem possible. I still haven't really got used to the idea that he isn't around. I often find myself thinking that I must tell him of a funny event that I know he would appreciate and then suddenly remember that he just isn't here to tell. He was so wise and I used to ask him for advice all the time. Even now, I feel lost when I realise he isn't around to double check something with.

I was always his princess. There is something special about growing up knowing that you are so adored. It's probably what gave me such confidence even when at the same time, I lived with the fear/threat that my mother could withdraw her love from me at any time if I didn't do what I was supposed to do. He knew that and although it was never mentioned, he made up for it by always being there for me and comforting me whenever she shouted at me. He never undermined her - he just let me know that he would make everything all right.

One of my favourite photos is one of him with me when I was a tiny baby. It was taken in the garden and I am on a mat on the the grass and he is lying next to me on his side completely absorbed by me smiling up at him. The complete love, awe and wonder in his face is unmistakeable and after he died, I couldn't stop looking at it.

We did a lot of things together when I was young. We often went cycling down to the park to feed the ducks or we played chess or tennis. But most of all we talked. I used to love telling him things as I would make a big dramatic story of everything complete with different voices and accents. I could always make him laugh even while he was rolling his eyes and begging me to please, get to the point.

I remember once, when I was a teenager and very angry with mum and determined to make her suffer, I decided I wouldn't eat anything. It didn't bother her and just made her shout at me all the more but I kept it up for a good few days. And then Dad came into my room where I was sulking and asked me if I would please come down and eat because he had cooked dinner. I said no and complained bitterly about how wrong Mum was. He said he would sort things out but please would I come down as I needed to eat. I refused again and bless him, his eyes filled with tears and he told me that he was worried about me and that not eating wasn't the answer and that he was concerned that I was already losing weight and would I eat something, just for him. Looking back, there must have been something else going on for him to have been so emotional as he wasn't really that sort of man but I couldn't bear seeing him so upset. I hugged him really tightly and told him it would all be OK and then went down and stuffed my face, just to make him happy.

I only ever wanted his approval and so tried never to behave in a way that could let him down. God knows what he would think of me now, if he knew about Matt. Even the thought of it makes me feel vaguely sick.

Perhaps he can see me, I don't know. After he died, I noticed a very bright star in the sky clearly visible from our bedroom. I told Ewan that I was convinced it was Dad and that unnerved him considerably - said he didn't want to think my dad could see what he was doing to his daughter !

Actually my dad liked Ewan a lot. It was surprising how friendly Dad was with him as up until then he would barely speak to my boyfriends. On our wedding day, after Mum and the bridesmaids and everyone else had left the house it was just me and Dad for a few quiet moments. He told me he had never seen me look so beautiful and that he was so proud of me. It took all my strength not to cry and ruin my heavily mascara'd eyes !!

He had a massive heart attack about a year after my wedding. It was touch and go for a while but he pulled through. After that though he was a different man - still wonderful but very frail and careful and much more spiritual. I think it was my children that kept him going for so long after that. He was the perfect grandad and I still spend a lot of time watching the home videos of them climbing all over him and him singing them songs and making them laugh. They both remember him and how he always had sweets for them.

Ten years ago, out of the blue, he had another huge attack and died later in hospital. I got there in time but he was already unconscious and on life support. I watched as he slipped away, holding tightly on to his hand, listening to my mother wailing away but making sure my own tears were silent and dignified, just as he would have wanted.

God, I miss him. I really miss him. I was privileged to have him as a father but I feel overwhelmed with grief all over again as I realise he really is gone and whatever anyone promised me, it hasn't got any easier over the years.

And Still It Goes On

I was going to call Matt yesterday and see if we could meet up for a chat. I was dreading it because I just don't know how to do the whole "it's over" talk. And I wasn't sure if I even needed to given that he hasn't been particularly communicative with me recently.

However, when I came into work today I found a long email from him saying that he was sorry about the way he has been behaving recently and that he didn't want to lose me and that he was disconcerted by how he can't get me out of his head and that he's never felt like this before and could I call him because he really wanted to talk.

So I rang him. He told me again he was sorry and asked how pissed off I was with him. I told him that I wasn't, just confused and he said he was too and he didn't know why he was behaving in this way.

I suggested that maybe we should let things take their natural course and bring things to a close and he went very quiet. He asked me if that's what I really wanted and stupidly, I said no. Why did I say that? Here was the perfect opportunity to finally end all this and bring my life back to some normality and I said NO!

He then said that he didn't want things to end and that he understood he had come on a bit heavy and that he knew he had to take a back seat to my family and that he would try and be more understanding of the rest of my life as well. He said that one of the reasons he liked me so much was because I was such fun to be around and so of course he understood that as a result I had a wide circle of friends who also wanted to be around me. I couldn't make much sense of what he was saying as he was talking away at ten to the dozen.

He finally said that he was sorry for being so grumpy recently. That he knew my friends were important to me and that he would accept that but please could I understand that he needed to see me regularly and that he knew it was a cheek to ask but could I make him a priority sometimes.

I should have been angry but there was something so pleading, so child-like, so needy in what he was saying that I just felt I didn't want to be the cause of his upset. I told him we should just carry on as before but I warned him that I was finding it difficult and that guilt was taking its toll. He said he understood and that he would try and cool his "jets" and not pressure me too much.

So! I don't really know where I am after that. This still seems to be on...at full speed. I'm such a fool. I don't know how to stop all this. I clearly don't want to.

Really, I just want to sail through life, setting my own course and following my own mood but that is so incredibly selfish. It means I'm heading for trouble and I seem to setting a course to get there fast.