I was going to call Matt yesterday and see if we could meet up for a chat. I was dreading it because I just don't know how to do the whole "it's over" talk. And I wasn't sure if I even needed to given that he hasn't been particularly communicative with me recently.
However, when I came into work today I found a long email from him saying that he was sorry about the way he has been behaving recently and that he didn't want to lose me and that he was disconcerted by how he can't get me out of his head and that he's never felt like this before and could I call him because he really wanted to talk.
So I rang him. He told me again he was sorry and asked how pissed off I was with him. I told him that I wasn't, just confused and he said he was too and he didn't know why he was behaving in this way.
I suggested that maybe we should let things take their natural course and bring things to a close and he went very quiet. He asked me if that's what I really wanted and stupidly, I said no. Why did I say that? Here was the perfect opportunity to finally end all this and bring my life back to some normality and I said NO!
He then said that he didn't want things to end and that he understood he had come on a bit heavy and that he knew he had to take a back seat to my family and that he would try and be more understanding of the rest of my life as well. He said that one of the reasons he liked me so much was because I was such fun to be around and so of course he understood that as a result I had a wide circle of friends who also wanted to be around me. I couldn't make much sense of what he was saying as he was talking away at ten to the dozen.
He finally said that he was sorry for being so grumpy recently. That he knew my friends were important to me and that he would accept that but please could I understand that he needed to see me regularly and that he knew it was a cheek to ask but could I make him a priority sometimes.
I should have been angry but there was something so pleading, so child-like, so needy in what he was saying that I just felt I didn't want to be the cause of his upset. I told him we should just carry on as before but I warned him that I was finding it difficult and that guilt was taking its toll. He said he understood and that he would try and cool his "jets" and not pressure me too much.
So! I don't really know where I am after that. This still seems to be on...at full speed. I'm such a fool. I don't know how to stop all this. I clearly don't want to.
Really, I just want to sail through life, setting my own course and following my own mood but that is so incredibly selfish. It means I'm heading for trouble and I seem to setting a course to get there fast.
What doth the Lord require of thee...
4 days ago