I have spent too long allowing Matt to affect how I feel. I notice that I tend to ruminate a lot on how depressed he has made me feel recently and I obsess a lot on the meaning of everything that has been said between us. I really need to direct my focus back to other things so I came to a decision this weekend. That I would come into work today and finish things. However, rather than call him, I took the coward's way and sent him this email:
Hope you're OK.
I'm guessing you're "grumpy" with me again. I suppose that's fair enough, but having given it some thought this weekend, it's not a situation I want to do anything about. In fact, I gave you the opportunity to bail out when we last talked about this but you chose not to for some reason - I wish you had.
You know, you've been a bit like a drug for me. I sort of wanted to stop this almost as soon as it began, but even though I tried, I wasn't able to! Suddenly though, and I know you feel the same, it's kind of wearing off and the answer is clearly just to end it now, once and for all. I suppose you have in effect anyway, haven't you, given that communication has been pretty non-existent lately. I'm not aware that I've ever been rude or unpleasant to you but your manner with me has felt a bit offhand lately to say the least.
I could allow you to go silent on me and just let it fade away but I didn't want to leave it with nothing meaningful said. The counsellor in me needs closure !!
And all I really wanted to say was..... thank you for the last few months. Your interest came as a complete surprise and made me feel fabulous for a while. You gave me a much needed boost to my self-confidence. I've lost two stone and I'm loving everyone telling me that I look great !! I do feel good now - alive again and ready to focus on other things in my life.
I know, if you're honest with yourself, that you agree with me. This was meant to be fun but it was only ever going to have a limited shelf life and now its draining for both of us - well it is for me, anyway. It really is best for us both to draw a defined line under this and get on. I'll always think fondly of you, Matt, regardless of what you think of me.
I guess that's it. God, I feel like I've just written War and Peace! If you ever need a friend to talk to I'll always be around, but for now I think it's best that we put a bit of distance between us...as you have started to do anyway.
I felt so relieved after I sent it. About half an hour later, I got this reply:
I just got your email. It came as a shock but I can't and won't argue with anything you say.
You are so awesome. I haven't even scratched the surface of the person you are. I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you and it won't be easy getting over this but maybe it's better than being "grumpy" all the time because I can't have the relationship I want with you.
Don't be angry with me. I've acted like an arse, I admit it.
I'll miss you.
I'm confused again now ......
What doth the Lord require of thee...
4 days ago