On The Up

Gosh! It's been a difficult few weeks.

I have come to the conclusion that I suffer from SAD - seasonal affective disorder, also known as the winter blues. I've noticed as I'm getting older that these bouts of misery hit me around January/February time and I'm convinced it's to do with lack of sun during the winter. I used to laugh at the very idea but now I seriously think it's a major problem for me. Next year I'm going to invest in one of those lamps. For now though, I think I might be over the worst. It may have been cold over the last week or so but it has been sunny and that makes such a difference. The daffodils are suddenly out in the garden and those buds on the trees mean it won't be long before the blossom is on the trees. In a week or so, when the chill has left the air, it will be my favourite time of the year and I'll have the whole of the summer to look forward to. Long, hot, lazy days stretched out before me - I cant wait. The brighter days and the knowledge that winter is nearly over has lifted my mood and I feel so much better - so much more in control again.

Matt is back but while he was away, I made a decision to end things. I haven't quite got round to doing that as his texts, emails and calls have been very warm and he is keen to see me. I think he may even be genuinely upset that I haven't let that happen. It feels good knowing that I'm back in charge. This relationship is going nowhere and will run its course very soon ....once I can bring myself to have that talk with him.

Meanwhile, I feel the blood in me is warming up again and that life feels worth pursuing once more. I think it was a call from my friend Dave that did it. We were at university together and he knows me so well. He rang a week or so ago asking why he hadn't heard from me and was I feeling blue again. I told him I was fine but he knew I wasn't as he called me pretty much every day last week forcing me to talk about nothing in particular and eventually making me laugh again. He said he was going to get the group together and sure enough, tomorrow we are all meeting up for the day and I am so looking forward to it. He's even arranged it so that everyone comes to my neck of the woods just so that I don't have to make the effort to drive any distance.

There are six of us who met at university and we have stayed together all this time. Amazingly, we all live within about an hour of each other and so make it a point to meet up every so often - sometimes with families, sometimes, like tomorrow, just us. I love them all to bits - they are like another family to me.

There's Nancy who's stunningly blonde and beautiful. She dropped out of her course to become a very successful model. She's completely dippy and yet one of the smartest people I know. She married her teenage love just after she left university and has spent the last twenty five years in and out of a turbulent, volatile, passionate relationship with him. They have three gorgeous children and I think at the moment they are together - although tomorrow I may find out that's not the case.

There's Ed who is a Detective Superintendent leading a murder squad in the police. But even now, after attending various ceremonies and events where he's received commendations and been honoured for bravery, I can't see him as anyone else than my Ed who is up there as one of the funniest people I know - I don't know how he does such a serious job. He's married with two kids and is the perfect father because he's like a big kid himself.

Rex is very gay and has always been in love with Ed, much to the amusement of the rest of us. He's a top television director and I still get excited and terribly proud when I see his name on the credits of some of the nation's favourite programmes. He's loud, camp, funny, outrageous and gorgeous and has spent the last ten years with the quiet, long-suffering and equally gorgeous Hassan.

Kim was the only one of us to get a First. She seemed to become a headteacher almost immediately, transforming a sink school into an academic success that now has long waiting lists. But surprisingly, she jacked it all in when she met the man of her dreams and then became a full time wife and mum of two. She's the sensible one, the one with all the advice and the one who gets the silliest when we've had too much to drink.

And then, as mentioned eariler, there is the lovely Dave - family lawyer. He's spent the last twenty-five years telling me he's in love with me even though in reality he's blissfully happy with his American wife and three beautiful daughters. He gets me more than any of the others - probably more than anyone else I know. He gets that I don't have emotional safety - that's the freedom to communicate any thoughts to your closest friends without fear of retribution or ridicule. He knows I can't imagine being able to do that with anyone but has always been there in case one day I find I can, with him. I've come close to it. He was around when Lee broke me and I may not have made it without him around to let me cry and fall apart. There were times when I almost told him about Chris but stopped short because I guess I don't want to lose his good opinion of me even though I know of all people, he would never judge me.

So that's the group! We haven't met up since the summer when we hired an eight-bedroomed mansion and spent a long weekend together, with our families. It was such fun - I didn't want it to end. I know that seeing them all will make everything OK again.

I cant wait until tomorrow.

Feeling Down

I'm bored this week.

Matt is away ski-ing with Kelly. He's texted me a few times but I haven't replied. I don't like the thought of them together on holiday and I don't like that I don't like it.

I don't encourage him to talk about her because I don't want to know about their relationship, just as I don't tell him anything about me and Ewan. But he is very dismissive of her and I think that's what I dislike about him so much. It doesn't work on any level - if he doesn't like her that much then why is he with her, if he does like her why is he cheating on her. The thing is, I know that whatever he says he clearly does like her. I saw them both together at the singing group last week and they really do make a stunning couple.

I don't know why I still go to that group - I might stop soon as it's losing its appeal which is strange, as there was a time not too long ago, when singing was the only thing I really enjoyed. My life's gone cold though. That's what it feels like - nothing seems to touch me at the moment. I wonder if I'm heading for some sort of breakdown.

Anyway, I didn't really talk to him while we were there but he came over to join a conversation I was having with one of the women and she pounced on him.
"Oh Matt" she purred "Kelly's just shown me the necklace you bought her for Valentine's Day - it's gorgeous. A real diamond! She's a lucky girl. Is this leading up to something big. One to match for her left hand maybe?"

He laughed it off but I could see he looked anxious at my reaction. I just kept smiling though and looked over at Kelly's gorgeous, slender neck and saw that indeed there was a sparkling stone shining out from the hollow between her collar bones. Again, I don't know why I should be so bothered. She is his girlfriend for goodness sake! But since then, I can't stop thinking about how he would have surprised her with it, how she would have squealed with delight, how they would have gone on to have fabulous sex ......god, I've got to stop this. It's driving me mad!

I need to claim my life back. Work helps with that. I got back on top of things during our "break" but again it holds no challenge, no excitement and I'm aware I've been very snappy with everyone. I've become so different. I'm known for being the life and soul, the one with the loud laugh and now I'm just cross and moody all the time. I think I am losing it.

I need to choose to be a happy person again or it might never happen. The trouble is, my life at the moment feels it has no purpose - it's just there to be got through.

Valentines

I've been thinking about Valentine's Day since Saturday.

I had a card from Matt which he sent here to the office last Friday. It was very naughty and suggestive and pretty much summed up what we are about. Not hearts and flowers ...just sex.

Ewan on the other hand woke me up with a breakfast tray - fresh coffee, warm almond croissants, orange juice and a single red rose. He's done that for the last 20 odd years but I love it. We both agreed early on in the marriage that Valentine's Day is not the time for expensive gifts or meals out or over-priced flowers but a good day to remind each ourselves of what we mean to each other.

Each year we find a card that sums up best how we feel. I couldn't bring myself to buy one this year that proclaimed undying love - it seemed so wrong given what I've been up to these last few months. So I found a comedy one which thinking about now wasn't even funny. He looked slightly disappointed when he opened it and I realised why when I saw his card because it did proclaim undying love and said that after so long together his love for me was stronger than ever and that no one was more perfect for him. I felt embarrassed for him but also so desperate to make things right again. The thing is, I don't really know what's wrong. Or even if anything is.

It's not that I don't love him, I suppose I do, if I'm even capable of love anymore, but it's not life-changing love. I'm comfortable with him but I guess I would be equally comfortable without him. I get cross with him because he takes me for granted and I don't want him to. He has always been so complacent about me which is a big mistake because he needs to realise that I'm no longer as I seem. He just doesn't understand that there have been times when I have been a long way away from him even when I'm right by his side. Though how can he understand that when I'm the one who puts the distance between us.

He was so lovely to me on the 14th, constantly checking that I was alright, taking an interest in things that were happening at work. He even asked if I was OK as I had seemed preoccupied recently and he was worried about my weight loss even though he said I look fantastic. He made the most amazing dinner and we talked about the children and he told me how things were going with his job.

I knew though that after the weekend things would return to normal and sure enough they did - he's hardly spoken to me. So as a result, I answered yes when Matt asked to see me on Tuesday night and didn't feel guilty as I gloried in the pleasure that is his body on mine.

I actually do despise myself.

Birthday Surprise

It was my birthday last week and I arrived in to work to an email from Matt wishing me a happy day and then asking how I was. I should have ignored it but I was so pleased to see his name in my inbox that I replied immediately thanking him and telling him I was OK. There was a message straight back:
Really? Because I'm not doing well at all. Are you not missing me even a little bit?

I asked him why and he told me that since he sent his last email he had regretted it and had only sent it in the belief that I would reply back saying I didn't want things to end. The fact that I gave in so readily was like a punch in the stomach which he still hadn't got over. He said that on one day he was so angry when a text came through that wasn't from me that he threw his phone out of the window .....his very expensive new iPhone it has to be said !! He also said that the worry that I had not since given him another thought was eating him up and that he couldn't go another day without feeling me in his arms again.

I didn't really know what to say. This is what I wanted to hear as I had missed him too and hadn't stopped thinking of him but I had at least been trying to get on with life. Surely the sensible thing would be to just carry on like this until it got easier. However the message I sent back didn't say that. It said I miss you too. I don't even remember sending it. It was as if my practical head and ridiculously sentimental heart were two warring factions and my hands on the keyboard chose to blatently ignore the rational part of me...the part that could stop me making a big, big mistake.
Again, he replied straight away:
Take a sickie and come to the flat. Please. I need to talk this through and I need to feel you near me. Please Selina.

So I did.

We spent the day together. It was better than it ever was - very urgent and desperate - and we are back on. Apparently, he went quiet on me after that amazing night because Kelly had called him in the morning crying because she felt he had been ignoring her and he was feeling guilty. He was planning to talk to me about it at some point that night over drinks after the singing group AGM but of course, I rushed off. He decided to wait then til after the weekend so that he could call me and talk properly without interruption and apologise for not being in touch but instead found himself offering to end things. I believe him but I don't trust him. I don't think I even like him that much.

I've seen him a few times over the week but I don't feel good about it. I've got that terrible feeling that I've made a huge mistake and I've let myself be manipulated. This time I will stay in control. I'm not going to run everytime he snaps his fingers...even though that's exactly what I've done these last few days.

I need to remember I'm another year older now. And I can't stop thinking that there is no fool worse than an old fool.

Confusion

I've been trying to get on with things and put all this out of my head but it's hard as I keep thinking of him, even though I don't really want to.

In a strange way, I am actually relieved that it's over but it's not a good feeling. At least the weird agony that came from me depending on him to make me feel good has gone. I have resigned myself to no more emails or texts and so I can stop myself getting excited when I hear the phone beep. I do keep hoping for something though because that would show then that he is missing me and that I did have an effect on his life. Maybe that would make me feel better. I wouldn't reply - it would just make me feel less ....rejected.

In fact, I would like to think that he was feeling really bad about all this and that he knows he brought it on himself with his bizarre change of behaviour towards me. I still don't really understand why he went cold all of a sudden. And if I'm honest, I'm disappointed that he just agreed to finish this without any fight at all. It was almost as if he was relieved. He did let slip once, when we were in bed and he was stroking my hair away from my face, that he was really scared this was going to end soon and that everytime he got a text or an email from me, he expected to read that it was over. That might be the reason he had such a ready response about quitting while ahead but I suspect he was just suddenly bored with it all and so happy to let it go.

I have just re-read the letter he wrote me though. It seemed really heartfelt. But then again, he's a bloke. Who knows whether they ever mean what they say.

Oh, what a bizarre few months!! His interest in me came completely out of the blue. It happened so quick and now it's over. It made me feel young again and attractive but now it's made me feel inexplicably sad. I think I handled myself well though. I pretty much kept to the rules I set myself after the whole Chris debacle - not losing control (much !), not giving anything away, not being too clingy. But then again, I wasn't completely besotted this time round, like I was then - just keen to see how things would unfold. And now I know.

I will get over this and but I guess I've got a couple of shit weeks ahead.

It's Over

So, it's been a whole weekend since I decided to get back in control and it has been a difficult one because there was no word from him. This time though, I chose not to contact him either, even though every fibre of my being wanted to pick up the phone.

On Friday evening, it was the singing group AGM. I nearly didn't go but then decided at the last minute that I would and as a result got there late when everyone was in and seated and so I had to make an entrance, which I could have done without. I clocked Matt in the front row with Kelly but I didn't look in his direction. I just made my way to the back of the hall and found a seat.

I hate those meetings. It went on forever and it takes the joy out of what is essentially a group that get together to sing because that's what we like to do. All this politic stuff about fees and setting a charter and opening it up a bit more or not by advertising more widely - god, it's dull.

Although I tried to stop myself, I kept realising that I was looking at Matt's back and watching him bend his head to Kelly as she kept whispering and giggling in his ear. As soon as the meeting was declared closed, I was out of there like a shot telling them all that I had to rush back. Didn't say a word to Matt - just left as as quickly as I could.

This morning, when I came into work there was an email from him. Was I OK? How come I hadn't been in touch for so long? How come I left the meeting so quckly? I ignored it but he sent another one half an hour later asking again if I was OK, which I replied to with a short I'm fine. Busy.

He asked yet again if I was OK and so then I told him that I wasn't. That I was tired and stressed and that I didn't really want to do this anymore. I didn't hear from him then until just now when he sent an email saying that he never wanted to stress me out and that if I felt like that maybe we should quit while we're ahead and just remember the fun times. I replied with a simple xx

So that's it. We're over. It came out of the blue when I wasn't really expecting it but it's good. It needed to end. At least this way, no one found out. No one got hurt. I can rise above this now it's over.

Oh who am I fooling? I feel terrible. I'm going home

Taking Back Control

I haven't slept very well recently and eating seems to be a skill I've completely forgotten. I know it's because deep down, however much I'm enjoying all of this, I've been anxious. Anxious that this is going to have to end some time and I don't want to be hurt; anxious because I'm betraying my family and yet I still continue so what does that make me; anxious because I'm letting things at work slip and anxious that I seem to have handed Matt control.

I realised this yesterday when I almost skipped into work after what was an exhilarating evening of passion with the boy. I hadn't been able to stop thinking of him, even as I lay in bed next to Ewan who I pushed away when he realised that I was awake and tried to get intimate. All I could think about as I got showered and dressed and made my way into work was talking to Matt about how much I had enjoyed our time together the night before, maybe reliving it and maybe hearing what he was going to do to me next time we were together. Even if I was only going to talk to him about the freezing weather I was just waiting to hear his voice.

When I got into the office, I called him but he told me he couldn't speak and would call later. I waited all morning for a return call or a text or an email but nothing - not a word. Against my better judgement, I sent him a text after lunch saying I had missed hearing from him and was he OK and after about an hour I got a curt one back just saying he was tired. No kiss, nothing.

I spent the afternoon in a bit of a daze, not quite understanding why after such an amazing night, when we left each other on such a high and he didn't even want me to go and kept trying to stop me, he was now being so distant. I couldn't focus on anything then and everytime a text came through or the little envelope appeared in my email box I got more and more upset that it wasn't from him. By the time it came to going home that despair had turned to anger. I hadn't done anything to be treated like this and I wasn't going to tolerate him being an arse.

I may have let him have control up to now but as I made my way home that night I decided to take it back. I'm not going to be reduced to a rejected fool by him. From now on (if there is a now on) I'm going to play it cool. This needed to happen, I think, because I was in danger of getting too involved.

But now, I have seen sense.