I haven't slept very well recently and eating seems to be a skill I've completely forgotten. I know it's because deep down, however much I'm enjoying all of this, I've been anxious. Anxious that this is going to have to end some time and I don't want to be hurt; anxious because I'm betraying my family and yet I still continue so what does that make me; anxious because I'm letting things at work slip and anxious that I seem to have handed Matt control.
I realised this yesterday when I almost skipped into work after what was an exhilarating evening of passion with the boy. I hadn't been able to stop thinking of him, even as I lay in bed next to Ewan who I pushed away when he realised that I was awake and tried to get intimate. All I could think about as I got showered and dressed and made my way into work was talking to Matt about how much I had enjoyed our time together the night before, maybe reliving it and maybe hearing what he was going to do to me next time we were together. Even if I was only going to talk to him about the freezing weather I was just waiting to hear his voice.
When I got into the office, I called him but he told me he couldn't speak and would call later. I waited all morning for a return call or a text or an email but nothing - not a word. Against my better judgement, I sent him a text after lunch saying I had missed hearing from him and was he OK and after about an hour I got a curt one back just saying he was tired. No kiss, nothing.
I spent the afternoon in a bit of a daze, not quite understanding why after such an amazing night, when we left each other on such a high and he didn't even want me to go and kept trying to stop me, he was now being so distant. I couldn't focus on anything then and everytime a text came through or the little envelope appeared in my email box I got more and more upset that it wasn't from him. By the time it came to going home that despair had turned to anger. I hadn't done anything to be treated like this and I wasn't going to tolerate him being an arse.
I may have let him have control up to now but as I made my way home that night I decided to take it back. I'm not going to be reduced to a rejected fool by him. From now on (if there is a now on) I'm going to play it cool. This needed to happen, I think, because I was in danger of getting too involved.
But now, I have seen sense.