It was my birthday last week and I arrived in to work to an email from Matt wishing me a happy day and then asking how I was. I should have ignored it but I was so pleased to see his name in my inbox that I replied immediately thanking him and telling him I was OK. There was a message straight back:
Really? Because I'm not doing well at all. Are you not missing me even a little bit?
I asked him why and he told me that since he sent his last email he had regretted it and had only sent it in the belief that I would reply back saying I didn't want things to end. The fact that I gave in so readily was like a punch in the stomach which he still hadn't got over. He said that on one day he was so angry when a text came through that wasn't from me that he threw his phone out of the window .....his very expensive new iPhone it has to be said !! He also said that the worry that I had not since given him another thought was eating him up and that he couldn't go another day without feeling me in his arms again.
I didn't really know what to say. This is what I wanted to hear as I had missed him too and hadn't stopped thinking of him but I had at least been trying to get on with life. Surely the sensible thing would be to just carry on like this until it got easier. However the message I sent back didn't say that. It said I miss you too. I don't even remember sending it. It was as if my practical head and ridiculously sentimental heart were two warring factions and my hands on the keyboard chose to blatently ignore the rational part of me...the part that could stop me making a big, big mistake.
Again, he replied straight away:
Take a sickie and come to the flat. Please. I need to talk this through and I need to feel you near me. Please Selina.
So I did.
We spent the day together. It was better than it ever was - very urgent and desperate - and we are back on. Apparently, he went quiet on me after that amazing night because Kelly had called him in the morning crying because she felt he had been ignoring her and he was feeling guilty. He was planning to talk to me about it at some point that night over drinks after the singing group AGM but of course, I rushed off. He decided to wait then til after the weekend so that he could call me and talk properly without interruption and apologise for not being in touch but instead found himself offering to end things. I believe him but I don't trust him. I don't think I even like him that much.
I've seen him a few times over the week but I don't feel good about it. I've got that terrible feeling that I've made a huge mistake and I've let myself be manipulated. This time I will stay in control. I'm not going to run everytime he snaps his fingers...even though that's exactly what I've done these last few days.
I need to remember I'm another year older now. And I can't stop thinking that there is no fool worse than an old fool.
What doth the Lord require of thee...
4 days ago