Valentines

I've been thinking about Valentine's Day since Saturday.

I had a card from Matt which he sent here to the office last Friday. It was very naughty and suggestive and pretty much summed up what we are about. Not hearts and flowers ...just sex.

Ewan on the other hand woke me up with a breakfast tray - fresh coffee, warm almond croissants, orange juice and a single red rose. He's done that for the last 20 odd years but I love it. We both agreed early on in the marriage that Valentine's Day is not the time for expensive gifts or meals out or over-priced flowers but a good day to remind each ourselves of what we mean to each other.

Each year we find a card that sums up best how we feel. I couldn't bring myself to buy one this year that proclaimed undying love - it seemed so wrong given what I've been up to these last few months. So I found a comedy one which thinking about now wasn't even funny. He looked slightly disappointed when he opened it and I realised why when I saw his card because it did proclaim undying love and said that after so long together his love for me was stronger than ever and that no one was more perfect for him. I felt embarrassed for him but also so desperate to make things right again. The thing is, I don't really know what's wrong. Or even if anything is.

It's not that I don't love him, I suppose I do, if I'm even capable of love anymore, but it's not life-changing love. I'm comfortable with him but I guess I would be equally comfortable without him. I get cross with him because he takes me for granted and I don't want him to. He has always been so complacent about me which is a big mistake because he needs to realise that I'm no longer as I seem. He just doesn't understand that there have been times when I have been a long way away from him even when I'm right by his side. Though how can he understand that when I'm the one who puts the distance between us.

He was so lovely to me on the 14th, constantly checking that I was alright, taking an interest in things that were happening at work. He even asked if I was OK as I had seemed preoccupied recently and he was worried about my weight loss even though he said I look fantastic. He made the most amazing dinner and we talked about the children and he told me how things were going with his job.

I knew though that after the weekend things would return to normal and sure enough they did - he's hardly spoken to me. So as a result, I answered yes when Matt asked to see me on Tuesday night and didn't feel guilty as I gloried in the pleasure that is his body on mine.

I actually do despise myself.