Feeling Down

I'm bored this week.

Matt is away ski-ing with Kelly. He's texted me a few times but I haven't replied. I don't like the thought of them together on holiday and I don't like that I don't like it.

I don't encourage him to talk about her because I don't want to know about their relationship, just as I don't tell him anything about me and Ewan. But he is very dismissive of her and I think that's what I dislike about him so much. It doesn't work on any level - if he doesn't like her that much then why is he with her, if he does like her why is he cheating on her. The thing is, I know that whatever he says he clearly does like her. I saw them both together at the singing group last week and they really do make a stunning couple.

I don't know why I still go to that group - I might stop soon as it's losing its appeal which is strange, as there was a time not too long ago, when singing was the only thing I really enjoyed. My life's gone cold though. That's what it feels like - nothing seems to touch me at the moment. I wonder if I'm heading for some sort of breakdown.

Anyway, I didn't really talk to him while we were there but he came over to join a conversation I was having with one of the women and she pounced on him.
"Oh Matt" she purred "Kelly's just shown me the necklace you bought her for Valentine's Day - it's gorgeous. A real diamond! She's a lucky girl. Is this leading up to something big. One to match for her left hand maybe?"

He laughed it off but I could see he looked anxious at my reaction. I just kept smiling though and looked over at Kelly's gorgeous, slender neck and saw that indeed there was a sparkling stone shining out from the hollow between her collar bones. Again, I don't know why I should be so bothered. She is his girlfriend for goodness sake! But since then, I can't stop thinking about how he would have surprised her with it, how she would have squealed with delight, how they would have gone on to have fabulous sex ......god, I've got to stop this. It's driving me mad!

I need to claim my life back. Work helps with that. I got back on top of things during our "break" but again it holds no challenge, no excitement and I'm aware I've been very snappy with everyone. I've become so different. I'm known for being the life and soul, the one with the loud laugh and now I'm just cross and moody all the time. I think I am losing it.

I need to choose to be a happy person again or it might never happen. The trouble is, my life at the moment feels it has no purpose - it's just there to be got through.

Valentines

I've been thinking about Valentine's Day since Saturday.

I had a card from Matt which he sent here to the office last Friday. It was very naughty and suggestive and pretty much summed up what we are about. Not hearts and flowers ...just sex.

Ewan on the other hand woke me up with a breakfast tray - fresh coffee, warm almond croissants, orange juice and a single red rose. He's done that for the last 20 odd years but I love it. We both agreed early on in the marriage that Valentine's Day is not the time for expensive gifts or meals out or over-priced flowers but a good day to remind each ourselves of what we mean to each other.

Each year we find a card that sums up best how we feel. I couldn't bring myself to buy one this year that proclaimed undying love - it seemed so wrong given what I've been up to these last few months. So I found a comedy one which thinking about now wasn't even funny. He looked slightly disappointed when he opened it and I realised why when I saw his card because it did proclaim undying love and said that after so long together his love for me was stronger than ever and that no one was more perfect for him. I felt embarrassed for him but also so desperate to make things right again. The thing is, I don't really know what's wrong. Or even if anything is.

It's not that I don't love him, I suppose I do, if I'm even capable of love anymore, but it's not life-changing love. I'm comfortable with him but I guess I would be equally comfortable without him. I get cross with him because he takes me for granted and I don't want him to. He has always been so complacent about me which is a big mistake because he needs to realise that I'm no longer as I seem. He just doesn't understand that there have been times when I have been a long way away from him even when I'm right by his side. Though how can he understand that when I'm the one who puts the distance between us.

He was so lovely to me on the 14th, constantly checking that I was alright, taking an interest in things that were happening at work. He even asked if I was OK as I had seemed preoccupied recently and he was worried about my weight loss even though he said I look fantastic. He made the most amazing dinner and we talked about the children and he told me how things were going with his job.

I knew though that after the weekend things would return to normal and sure enough they did - he's hardly spoken to me. So as a result, I answered yes when Matt asked to see me on Tuesday night and didn't feel guilty as I gloried in the pleasure that is his body on mine.

I actually do despise myself.

Birthday Surprise

It was my birthday last week and I arrived in to work to an email from Matt wishing me a happy day and then asking how I was. I should have ignored it but I was so pleased to see his name in my inbox that I replied immediately thanking him and telling him I was OK. There was a message straight back:
Really? Because I'm not doing well at all. Are you not missing me even a little bit?

I asked him why and he told me that since he sent his last email he had regretted it and had only sent it in the belief that I would reply back saying I didn't want things to end. The fact that I gave in so readily was like a punch in the stomach which he still hadn't got over. He said that on one day he was so angry when a text came through that wasn't from me that he threw his phone out of the window .....his very expensive new iPhone it has to be said !! He also said that the worry that I had not since given him another thought was eating him up and that he couldn't go another day without feeling me in his arms again.

I didn't really know what to say. This is what I wanted to hear as I had missed him too and hadn't stopped thinking of him but I had at least been trying to get on with life. Surely the sensible thing would be to just carry on like this until it got easier. However the message I sent back didn't say that. It said I miss you too. I don't even remember sending it. It was as if my practical head and ridiculously sentimental heart were two warring factions and my hands on the keyboard chose to blatently ignore the rational part of me...the part that could stop me making a big, big mistake.
Again, he replied straight away:
Take a sickie and come to the flat. Please. I need to talk this through and I need to feel you near me. Please Selina.

So I did.

We spent the day together. It was better than it ever was - very urgent and desperate - and we are back on. Apparently, he went quiet on me after that amazing night because Kelly had called him in the morning crying because she felt he had been ignoring her and he was feeling guilty. He was planning to talk to me about it at some point that night over drinks after the singing group AGM but of course, I rushed off. He decided to wait then til after the weekend so that he could call me and talk properly without interruption and apologise for not being in touch but instead found himself offering to end things. I believe him but I don't trust him. I don't think I even like him that much.

I've seen him a few times over the week but I don't feel good about it. I've got that terrible feeling that I've made a huge mistake and I've let myself be manipulated. This time I will stay in control. I'm not going to run everytime he snaps his fingers...even though that's exactly what I've done these last few days.

I need to remember I'm another year older now. And I can't stop thinking that there is no fool worse than an old fool.

Confusion

I've been trying to get on with things and put all this out of my head but it's hard as I keep thinking of him, even though I don't really want to.

In a strange way, I am actually relieved that it's over but it's not a good feeling. At least the weird agony that came from me depending on him to make me feel good has gone. I have resigned myself to no more emails or texts and so I can stop myself getting excited when I hear the phone beep. I do keep hoping for something though because that would show then that he is missing me and that I did have an effect on his life. Maybe that would make me feel better. I wouldn't reply - it would just make me feel less ....rejected.

In fact, I would like to think that he was feeling really bad about all this and that he knows he brought it on himself with his bizarre change of behaviour towards me. I still don't really understand why he went cold all of a sudden. And if I'm honest, I'm disappointed that he just agreed to finish this without any fight at all. It was almost as if he was relieved. He did let slip once, when we were in bed and he was stroking my hair away from my face, that he was really scared this was going to end soon and that everytime he got a text or an email from me, he expected to read that it was over. That might be the reason he had such a ready response about quitting while ahead but I suspect he was just suddenly bored with it all and so happy to let it go.

I have just re-read the letter he wrote me though. It seemed really heartfelt. But then again, he's a bloke. Who knows whether they ever mean what they say.

Oh, what a bizarre few months!! His interest in me came completely out of the blue. It happened so quick and now it's over. It made me feel young again and attractive but now it's made me feel inexplicably sad. I think I handled myself well though. I pretty much kept to the rules I set myself after the whole Chris debacle - not losing control (much !), not giving anything away, not being too clingy. But then again, I wasn't completely besotted this time round, like I was then - just keen to see how things would unfold. And now I know.

I will get over this and but I guess I've got a couple of shit weeks ahead.

It's Over

So, it's been a whole weekend since I decided to get back in control and it has been a difficult one because there was no word from him. This time though, I chose not to contact him either, even though every fibre of my being wanted to pick up the phone.

On Friday evening, it was the singing group AGM. I nearly didn't go but then decided at the last minute that I would and as a result got there late when everyone was in and seated and so I had to make an entrance, which I could have done without. I clocked Matt in the front row with Kelly but I didn't look in his direction. I just made my way to the back of the hall and found a seat.

I hate those meetings. It went on forever and it takes the joy out of what is essentially a group that get together to sing because that's what we like to do. All this politic stuff about fees and setting a charter and opening it up a bit more or not by advertising more widely - god, it's dull.

Although I tried to stop myself, I kept realising that I was looking at Matt's back and watching him bend his head to Kelly as she kept whispering and giggling in his ear. As soon as the meeting was declared closed, I was out of there like a shot telling them all that I had to rush back. Didn't say a word to Matt - just left as as quickly as I could.

This morning, when I came into work there was an email from him. Was I OK? How come I hadn't been in touch for so long? How come I left the meeting so quckly? I ignored it but he sent another one half an hour later asking again if I was OK, which I replied to with a short I'm fine. Busy.

He asked yet again if I was OK and so then I told him that I wasn't. That I was tired and stressed and that I didn't really want to do this anymore. I didn't hear from him then until just now when he sent an email saying that he never wanted to stress me out and that if I felt like that maybe we should quit while we're ahead and just remember the fun times. I replied with a simple xx

So that's it. We're over. It came out of the blue when I wasn't really expecting it but it's good. It needed to end. At least this way, no one found out. No one got hurt. I can rise above this now it's over.

Oh who am I fooling? I feel terrible. I'm going home

Taking Back Control

I haven't slept very well recently and eating seems to be a skill I've completely forgotten. I know it's because deep down, however much I'm enjoying all of this, I've been anxious. Anxious that this is going to have to end some time and I don't want to be hurt; anxious because I'm betraying my family and yet I still continue so what does that make me; anxious because I'm letting things at work slip and anxious that I seem to have handed Matt control.

I realised this yesterday when I almost skipped into work after what was an exhilarating evening of passion with the boy. I hadn't been able to stop thinking of him, even as I lay in bed next to Ewan who I pushed away when he realised that I was awake and tried to get intimate. All I could think about as I got showered and dressed and made my way into work was talking to Matt about how much I had enjoyed our time together the night before, maybe reliving it and maybe hearing what he was going to do to me next time we were together. Even if I was only going to talk to him about the freezing weather I was just waiting to hear his voice.

When I got into the office, I called him but he told me he couldn't speak and would call later. I waited all morning for a return call or a text or an email but nothing - not a word. Against my better judgement, I sent him a text after lunch saying I had missed hearing from him and was he OK and after about an hour I got a curt one back just saying he was tired. No kiss, nothing.

I spent the afternoon in a bit of a daze, not quite understanding why after such an amazing night, when we left each other on such a high and he didn't even want me to go and kept trying to stop me, he was now being so distant. I couldn't focus on anything then and everytime a text came through or the little envelope appeared in my email box I got more and more upset that it wasn't from him. By the time it came to going home that despair had turned to anger. I hadn't done anything to be treated like this and I wasn't going to tolerate him being an arse.

I may have let him have control up to now but as I made my way home that night I decided to take it back. I'm not going to be reduced to a rejected fool by him. From now on (if there is a now on) I'm going to play it cool. This needed to happen, I think, because I was in danger of getting too involved.

But now, I have seen sense.

A New Year....

I surprised myself with how upset I was at not hearing from Matt.

However, when I arrived at work the next day there was a massive bunch of flowers waiting for me in my office ...from him. They were gorgeous and in the midst a card saying:

What you told me has shaken me up big time. I don't know what I did to make you feel like that but can we talk. Please. I need to make this right. I can't lose you.

God, I felt such a bitch then. After all, HE didn't do anything. It was me and my guilty conscience. Guilty about what we've been doing, guilty about Kelly and most of all guilty about Ewan and the family. But all that aside, I still selfishly want to be with him and that gorgeous bouquet just made me even more certain about that.

I called him immediately and said I was sorry and he seemed genuinely pleased to hear from me. He asked if he could take me out to lunch and as soon as he pulled up, I jumped into his car and couldn't help but kiss him passionately which was a risk as anyone from work could have seen.

Since then, I've seen him most days. I usually go round to his flat after work. I've said a heavy workload has kept me late and the family seem to accept that as that's the way my job goes sometimes. In truth though, I've done no work at all and handed some pretty big events to some of the junior members of my team and just let them get on with it. There's going to be a disaster soon I know, but I don't care.

I just want to spend as much time as possible with Matt. I love being with him. He makes me feel like the sexiest woman on earth. I don't feel old anymore and I've now lost almost a stone and everyone has commented on how well I look.

Last week, the singing group had a social - New Year drinks - and we were both there. Most of the time we stayed at opposite ends of the bar but he came over once during the evening when I was talking to one of women about the lost art of handwritten correspondence. We were bemoaning the fact that it's all emails and texts nowadays and no one sits down and writes meaningful letters anymore. I told her that much to my children's amusement, I have a stack of letters that Ewan and I sent to each other in the very early days. They're tied up with pink ribbon and for them are testament to the fact that we really are from the olden days before computers and mobile phones! It was just one of those conversations you have and I had forgotten it almost as soon as I'd had it.

The next evening, when I arrived at Matt's flat, he told me he had something for me and gave me .......a letter! He led me to his bed, laid me down and asked me to let him watch me read it. So I opened it and it was beautiful. While he undressed me, I gloried in his amazingly artistic handwriting, in proper ink and on gorgeous paper. I took in every word as I read that getting together with me had been the best thing that has happened to him. That he loves every second he spends with me and once I'm gone he counts the minutes until I'm back in his arms. That when I'm due round at his flat, he can hardly breathe til I get there and that his heart misses a beat when the doorbell rings. That I am amazing, he has never met anyone like me and he loves being with me. And finally, that he doesn't want this to end.

If any of my friends told me a lover had sent them something like that, I might have wanted to be sick but I was completely overwhelmed after reading it. I'm losing control here. I should keep sight of the fact that he is after all a bloke and that he is working hard to push all my buttons to get what he wants (because he got what he wanted and more that evening) but hey, who cares...I'm loving it!

And more worryingly, I'm starting to believe it.