I surprised myself with how upset I was at not hearing from Matt.
However, when I arrived at work the next day there was a massive bunch of flowers waiting for me in my office ...from him. They were gorgeous and in the midst a card saying:
What you told me has shaken me up big time. I don't know what I did to make you feel like that but can we talk. Please. I need to make this right. I can't lose you.
God, I felt such a bitch then. After all, HE didn't do anything. It was me and my guilty conscience. Guilty about what we've been doing, guilty about Kelly and most of all guilty about Ewan and the family. But all that aside, I still selfishly want to be with him and that gorgeous bouquet just made me even more certain about that.
I called him immediately and said I was sorry and he seemed genuinely pleased to hear from me. He asked if he could take me out to lunch and as soon as he pulled up, I jumped into his car and couldn't help but kiss him passionately which was a risk as anyone from work could have seen.
Since then, I've seen him most days. I usually go round to his flat after work. I've said a heavy workload has kept me late and the family seem to accept that as that's the way my job goes sometimes. In truth though, I've done no work at all and handed some pretty big events to some of the junior members of my team and just let them get on with it. There's going to be a disaster soon I know, but I don't care.
I just want to spend as much time as possible with Matt. I love being with him. He makes me feel like the sexiest woman on earth. I don't feel old anymore and I've now lost almost a stone and everyone has commented on how well I look.
Last week, the singing group had a social - New Year drinks - and we were both there. Most of the time we stayed at opposite ends of the bar but he came over once during the evening when I was talking to one of women about the lost art of handwritten correspondence. We were bemoaning the fact that it's all emails and texts nowadays and no one sits down and writes meaningful letters anymore. I told her that much to my children's amusement, I have a stack of letters that Ewan and I sent to each other in the very early days. They're tied up with pink ribbon and for them are testament to the fact that we really are from the olden days before computers and mobile phones! It was just one of those conversations you have and I had forgotten it almost as soon as I'd had it.
The next evening, when I arrived at Matt's flat, he told me he had something for me and gave me .......a letter! He led me to his bed, laid me down and asked me to let him watch me read it. So I opened it and it was beautiful. While he undressed me, I gloried in his amazingly artistic handwriting, in proper ink and on gorgeous paper. I took in every word as I read that getting together with me had been the best thing that has happened to him. That he loves every second he spends with me and once I'm gone he counts the minutes until I'm back in his arms. That when I'm due round at his flat, he can hardly breathe til I get there and that his heart misses a beat when the doorbell rings. That I am amazing, he has never met anyone like me and he loves being with me. And finally, that he doesn't want this to end.
If any of my friends told me a lover had sent them something like that, I might have wanted to be sick but I was completely overwhelmed after reading it. I'm losing control here. I should keep sight of the fact that he is after all a bloke and that he is working hard to push all my buttons to get what he wants (because he got what he wanted and more that evening) but hey, who cares...I'm loving it!
And more worryingly, I'm starting to believe it.
Into the Wild Open Spaces
2 days ago