I'm Back and I've Been Tagged !

I haven’t been able to bring myself to blog recently. Partly because I haven’t had much time as I am sleeping with Matt again but mostly because even when I have had a moment, I haven’t been able to bring myself to write about how I seem to be back doing this again. I can’t justify my behaviour or try and analyse it. It makes me feel ashamed.

However, today I decided to tune back in and make an effort to record something and I was delighted to see that I have been tagged by the lovely Mary. It’s the perfect excuse to be able to write without angst !

So, here goes:

1. What are your current obsessions?
Matt! I've spent every spare moment with him over the last week or so and when I 'm not with him, I'm thinking about him and remembering the time we've spent together. He is so very good in bed. I still don't like him much but that doesn't seem to matter much at the moment

2. Who would you most like to have dinner with?
My Dad. I miss him terribly even though he died nearly ten years ago.

3. Last dream you had?
That all the windows and doors in my house were open and a whole load of bee-like things flew in and my daughter was having a panic attack and I didn't want to leave her but I knew I had to get to the front of the house to lock the doors as masked men were trying to get in. I woke up in a sweat !

4. Last thing you bought?
Some chocolate to take round to Matt's last night as I like what he does with it !!

5. What are you listening to?
Earlier in the car I was listening to my daughter's CD that she recently recorded which sounds AMAZING. The girl has got a fantastic voice and her three songs are brilliant.

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be?
Is there a goddess of sex? I would be her as that's how Matt makes me feel. (Sorry! I'm mentioning him a lot. Well I did say I was obsessed with him...)

7. Favourite holiday spots?
I want to go back to Goa. I went with my friends from university during our second year (lord knows how we could afford it) and it was such fun and so beautiful. Best holiday ever.

8. Reading right now?
I should say something clever and worthy but actually it's an old copy of Men's Health that I found in the garage. Particularly fascinated by 25 Tips To Make Your Woman Beg For More. You know, I think Matt may have written it ...!!

9. Four words to describe yourself.
Funny, insecure, disloyal and awakened

10. Guilty pleasure?
Uhm....Matt??!

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak?
Most of my friends - especially Ed

12. Favourite spring thing to do?
Walking, gardening and watching everything come to life again

13. Planning to travel to next?
Tuscany, hopefully!

14. Best thing you ate or drank lately?
I made Gordon Ramsay's carrot and pineapple muffins on Sunday afternoon and they were DELICIOUS ! I ate three !!

15. When did you last get tipsy?
At a Eurovision party on Saturday. Actually it was quite a bit more than typsy. My children were embarrassed ....

16. Favourite ever film?
Not sure. There are so many. The one I think about a lot is "Closer" with Jude Law and Clive Owen - an excellent study in how cruel people can be to each other

17. Care to share some wisdom?
The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift - that's why they call it "the present" so accept it joyfully and make the most of it.

18. What item could you not live without?
Nivea cream - the thick gloopy stuff in the blue tin. It's fabulous!

19. Thing you are looking forward to?
My oldest friend's daughter's wedding next month. She is like one of my own and I've been friends with her mother since we were two and our mothers are close friends as well. It's set to be an emotional day

20. What’s your favourite smell?
Freshly cut grass

21. What food makes you heave?
Liver and Beetroot – why would anyone eat that?

So that’s it. Now, the rules. Respond and rework. Answer questions on your own blog. Replace one question. Add one question. Then tag 8 people.

You're it:
Ian

Jennifer

Priscilla

John

Deirdre

Ruth

Melipop

Meggie

The Swine

I spent most of last week dismissing the whole swine flu panic and accusing everyone of getting over-excited. Then at the weekend, I thought Kyle had it and went into complete meltdown!

It started on Saturday when we all went to see Sasha in her school musical showcase. It's a big deal - one of the main events on the school calendar when lots of agents are invited to attend and Sasha was in quite a few of the numbers.

For most of the week before Kyle had been saying he didn't want to go because one of his friends was having a party which he'd rather be at but I just kept telling him that he had to be at the show to support his sister which of course, didn't impress him.

Before the show, we went out for an early dinner and all was well. Kyle was tucking into his slow roasted pork (!) when suddenly he stopped eating and said he didn't feel very well. He said his head was was banging, that he had shooting pains up and down his back and that he thought he was going to be sick. My mother started clucking round him but I told him not to try it on and that he wasn't going to get out of going to see the show. He said he really wasn't and suddenly I realised that he was being serious.

We got him out into the fresh air which I think made him worse as he then seemed on the verge of collapse and was sweating. Ewan said he would take him home and my mum said she would go back too and look after him. I told her to stay and that I would go back but she very firmly (and loudly) put me in my place and told me I had to stay and support Sasha and that she would look after Kyle. I wanted to scream at her but Ewan said she was probably right and that once Kyle was home and in bed he would probably be OK.

That show seemed to go on forever. Sasha was brilliant of course and brought the house down with one of her song and dance numbers but I was in pure panic and just wanted to get back.

He was actually fine when we returned but still hot and complaining of a bad back. He had a peaceful night, even though I was in and out of his room checking that he was still breathing !

On Sunday morning, he seemed fine but quiet and then suddenly during lunch he said he felt ill again and this time he was really hot. We put him back in bed with more paracetamol but he looked really bad and I was absolutely convinced that he had the swine. Ewan's sister's husband (who I despise!) is a doctor and he unhelpfully just told me to calm down and monitor his condition for a few hours before rushing him off to hospital.

I really hate to admit this but he was right! After a very long and deep sleep, Kyle was fine by the evening. I knew that, because he was cracking his very bad jokes. One of them was as follows:

Not too long ago, if someone said that there would be a black president, the reply would be "when pigs fly". Now look, theres a black president and ....swine flu.

Appalling! More of the same, meant that things were very definitely back to normal and he has been absolutely fine since.

I was mentally exhausted on Bank Holiday Monday. While I was lazing around, a text came through from Matt.

I'm lying in bed and I can't stop thinking about you. I've told Kelly I'm not well so that she won't come round here bothering me. Why don't you escape from your family and spend an hour with me. You know you want to...

I turned the phone off without replying. I'm well aware that someday soon he'll be treating me like that. I don't know why I'm with him - he really is a total and utter swine !

Coffee mornings

Every so often, when I'm off or "working from home", I meet up with some of the neighbours for coffee. We're quite a friendly group actually and there are four of us that are particularly close.

Beth and her husband moved in to the street around the same time as us and the two of us were befriended by Lisa who had already been there for a couple of years. We were joined a few years later by Tamsin who moved in with her family.

We get on well together and have seen each other through various life events. First Beth got divorced, remarried and pregnant again in the space of a couple of years; I got quite depressed when my darling Dad died which was made worse when my mother moved in and just took over; Lisa's daughter got married and moved away a few years ago which left her completely bereft and now Tamsin, who seemed to have the perfect family, is on the verge of a nervous breakdown which is threatening to tear them all apart.

Our coffee mornings have always seemed to be the perfect remedy to all that was wrong. That opportunity to laugh and/or cry together with a good helping of home-made cake and biscuits was something we all appreciated. This time though with Tamsin, it doesn't seem to be helping.

She appreciates our being there listening to her but her husband is on the verge of walking out with the kids and she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge what is happening to her. Her behaviour is becoming increasingly irrational.

For example, a few weeks ago she spent hundreds of pounds on a pedigree puppy for her children, even though they had never asked for a pet and Nathan her husband had specifically said NOT to get one. She went ahead though and bought the cutest little puppy I have ever seen but also the most timid - not surprising, given the house has three boisterous children and two adults who constantly argue. Because the tiny bundle of fur was so quiet and difficult to toilet train she labelled it mentally ill and a couple of days ago, she simply put it out of the house saying she didn't want it anymore. This poor little baby hasn't even had it's first injections yet and she just left it outside.

Nathan asked if I would look after it until he could sort something out which I did, and in just two days young Betty (the pup) seemed to perk up and was into everything and following me around everywhere. Today though, Nathan took her back to the breeder and I haven't been able to stop crying as I think of her sad little face and how I have effectively let her down. If I could, I would have kept her but I don't know anything about dogs and my mother wouldn't tolerate one as she's so damn house-proud. Ewan was sympathetic but not ovely keen to help.

So I called Matt after Nathan had taken Betty away and cried down the phone to him. I was off today and had said I would join the others for one of our coffee mornings.

Instead, I said I couldn't make it and then went to Matt's flat......

Persuasion

I went back to work last Wednesday determined not to get back in touch with Matt.

However, I hadn't figured on his email that was waiting for me when I got back into the office. He had sent it on the Friday that we were still away, and it was long and heartfelt.

He said that he had missed hearing from me and had done a lot of thinking in a bid to try and work out what he could have done wrong but that actually he knew it was to do with how he had behaved on that day we spent together back in March. He said he knew, even at the time that he was being an arse, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. He had regretted it ever since and not just because I hadn't been in touch. He thought he could get away with pretending he didn't know he'd done anything wrong but given that I had refused to answer any of his messages he knew he needed to say sorry.

He went on to say that he was finding it difficult to function without me. That although he had tried to keep himself busy with other things, it wasn't working. He said it felt like living with sharp deprivation. That he was scared of facing just how much he was hurting and that if I shut him out of my life he would almost have to find a new way of living and he didn't know if he could do that.

He said he had never felt like this before and that all he could think about was me and he hated the thought of being responsible for hurting me or making me angry with him. He said he couldn't apologise enough for being a grumpy git and please, please would I forgive him because he couldn't lose me. He asked if I could at least call him so that he could better explain himself.

So, I did !

I know, I know. I should have left it but I couldn't help myself.

He was really pleased to hear from me when I rang him. He was in a meeting and left it so that he could speak to me because he was worried I wouldn't ring back, especially as he had almost given up hearing from me even though he had gathered from my out-of-office that I had been away.

I told him that he had upset me and that I didn't really want to carry this on but he said he would do anything to make it up to me, whatever it took. He said that he had realised now how precious I was to him and that he wouldn't jeopardise things again. The conversation kind of went round and round for quite a while but ended with him thinking we were back on. We're not, but there's no harm in being his friend. After all, I've missed hearing from him. From now on though, this will go my way. There will be no more sex - just some harmless flirting from time to time. In fact, that is how it has been since that call.

Deep down I'm ashamed of myself but I don't want to confront those feelings yet. For some reason, even though I don't particularly like him, I need him in my life .....

Back home

We got back from France at the weekend.

It was lovely. The weather was wonderful, food fabulous and the people we met were great. It was a really good opportunity to relax as a family and get some much-needed time together. Of course, Kyle brought all his books along and spent time each day keeping to his revision timetable as he is taking some of his GCSEs a year early. We didn't tell him to do that but he is naturally conscientious - he didn't get that from me! His sister on the other hand who also has exams next month came armed only with her iPod and a few magazines !

Still we didn't hassle them - the idea was to get away from it all. Ewan was on great form. He always is when he's away from the day-to-day routine of life, which I guess says a lot. He becomes so affectionate and thoughtful and talkative. We managed to get some time alone together and went for walks along the beach. Throughout the holiday, he was always holding my hand or putting his arm around me or kissing me....much to the children's disgust, who kept telling us to stop doing that in public !

The thing is, Ewan is a good man. We are a good couple, I suppose. My fling with Matt, or the flings I have had in the past, are not about him. They're about some problem deep within me that I really need to find a way of addressing. We have a good sex life so it's not that I am searching for. He provides for me and takes his share of responsibilities around the house so it's not as if I'm left with everything to do. He's a fantastic father and Sasha and Kyle absolutely adore him - more than me I'm sure, but it's not jealousy. It's been great while we've been away and we've got on well but at home I know that he makes me feel irritated, burdened and just plain belligerent. I really need to work out what it is that makes me feel like that because again, I don't think that's down to him - it's me.

I made a determined effort not to think about Matt all of last week but on the journey back I found my thoughts drifting back to him. As soon as I got home, I went straight to my mobile which I had left on the bedside table and amongst all the texts were three from Matt. One sent on Good Friday: Still not talking to me then? the next on Easter Sunday: Happy Easter x and then one sent on Wednesday: Please tell me what's going on - I miss you xx

I haven't answered but I'm so pleased that he has been in touch. I had steeled myself up to expect nothing so I was relieved to see that he has been thinking of me. I don't know what I'm going to do about it though. I'll make a decision when I get back to work tomorrow but now that I have heard from him, I've had the luxury of, bizarrely, being able to put him out of my mind and enjoying these couple of days as the perfect stay-at-home wife and mum.

What Have I Done

I feel very unhappy

I haven't heard from Matt since I sent him that "I'm busy" text and for some reason that's really bothering me. Suddenly I'm worried that it was unnecessarily rude and that now he's probably deeply pissed off with me. I feel miserable and I can't seem to snap out of it because I've realised I miss hearing from him.

I sent the text because the more I thought about that day we spent together and the things he said, the more I just knew that I didn't want to meet him anymore. I felt there was nowhere further to go on our journey and that I had no more to invest in him. I certainly can't have him thinking of me in the same way he thinks of Karen - that I'll come running whenver he calls.

It was almost as if I wanted to reject him before he did it to me and I know that is a throwback to how Chris made me feel. Conversely, I never wanted to hurt him but I also felt he was bound to hurt me if we had carried on. I wanted to be the one in control right from the start of this. However, as I haven't heard from him since that text, I can can only assume that he's given up on me ....and that makes me feel shit.

I can't blame him as no one likes rejection but I thought he might try to find out once more what went wrong and then I could have attempted to explain. I'm really tempted to drop him a line but I must not do that if I am to retain control here. I don't want to weaken. It's so bizarre because I made the decision to end it so that I wouldn't leave this relationship a loser and yet, that's exactly how I feel.

I don't want him to hate me. I think that's what is upsetting me most. His attentions to date have validated me as a person and I'm anxious as to how I'll manage without that now. I'm pretty sure now that he's not going to get in touch and stupidly, I suppose I just wish he would.

Oh god, I want to cry. I really don't know what's the matter with me and why I'm being so pathetic and contrary in my thinking. What I really need is someone I can talk to honestly - a true friend. However, even though I have so many friends, (many of whom have confided in me) real friendship between two people is the capacity to make emotional demands on each other without incurring guilt or irritation and I can't do that. When people have told me their deepest secrets, it's hopefully because they know I'm discreet and non-judgemental. The only person I thought I had found that with, was Chris. I thought I could divulge information which was potentially damaging to the image I usually like to portray about myself. He let me down though and that is definitely the crux of my deeper unhappiness because just thinking about that makes me want to cry. I still don't understand what happened there.

Anyway, the bottom line is there is no one I can call who I feel won't judge me. That's why this blog is so useful I guess. At least, here I can write honestly and say what I really feel.

We're driving to France tonight where we'll spend Easter. It will be good to spend time with the family, focus completely on them and not give Matt a second thought. I've decided to leave my mobile at home because I don't want to look with excitement everytime it beeps with a text message..... or get desperately upset when it stays silent.

I need to put this all behind me and stay strong.

I'm Busy

I was working in Manchester last week. It was pretty hectic but I have enjoyed being busy because amongst other things it helped keep my mind off Matt. Even so, I haven't really been able to get that day I spent with him out of my head.

Reading back what I wrote about it doesn't really convey what a disappointment it was. The more I think about it, the more I realise just how much things have changed from when we first got together. Then, he was very sweet and tender and gentle - he made me feel special. But on that Wednesday, something felt different. He was almost rude and a lot more brutal with me - if that's the right word. Yes, the sex was good but it was all about him and what he wanted. I almost felt he was pushing me to act out some of the pornography that he's told me he enjoys watching so much. Some of it I did ...and some I refused.

The talk was all about him too. That in itself isn't such an issue because even if he did ask about me I wouldn't tell him anything of any worth. I've always had a problem letting people in. It's probably to do with not wanting to be made a fool of. I think that is why I felt so let down by Chris who I did open up to. I told him a lot of things in the foolish belief that he was a friend more than a lover. I really am so stupid and am getting irritated now just thinking of him again.

Back to Matt and I'm bothered by a lot of the things he said. He talked a lot of Kelly, for example. I don't particularly like her but I do feel sorry for her when I hear him talk so dismissively of her. He doesn't think it matters that he's being unfaithful to her. In fact, he says he doesn't even think about it. He also talked about Karen and actually laughed as he spoke of how she fell for him and how he reckons she's still not over him, even after all this time. He said he was sure that he could get her to come running if he wanted to and he boasted of how she told him sex with him was the best she'd ever had and that she was willing to do anything he suggested. In fact, he told me proudly she let him film them together even though she regretted it afterwards. She asked him to delete the film from his computer and he told her he would. He then told me that of course, he still has it.

Thinking about that, I just know I don't want to be one of his "women". I don't want him to talk, or laugh, about me like that to his next conquest. I feel such a fool. What have I been doing with him all this time? He made me feel attractive again, I suppose ....and young, but so ??

I haven't been in touch with him since I left his flat, even though I've had endless messages and voicemails asking where I am, if I'm OK, why I haven't been in touch, if he's fucked up, what he needs to do go get me to speak to him again, etc.

After what seemed like a barrage of texts this morning, imploring me to call him, I finally sent him a curt reply saying I was busy.

I haven't heard from him since.