Back To The Present

I feel a lot better now. I took a few days off work for some serious me-time and went off for a massage and a facial and some retail therapy - all in a bid to make myself feel good again and I think, to some extent, it's done the trick. Today, I'm back at work and I feel more focused again.

It's been a week or so since Matt's email, which was in fact what triggered this little blue period off. Bizarrely, while I was catching up with the last few days of work, an email from him suddenly popped up which came as a bit of a surprise:
"So I guess no reply from you means I've caused general offence. I'm really sorry if that's the case. I shouldn't have been so presumptuous. I'd hate to think you were angry with me. What can I do to make it right?"

I don't know why but that made me smile. It was quite sweet that he was so concerned. I messaged him back at once saying not to be silly and that I wasn't angry but that I had been very busy and a bit under the weather. He messaged back to check that I was OK and that led to a day of email exchange. It made me feel really good actually. After feeling so low and slightly worthless thinking about the way Chris had treated me, it felt great flirting online with young Matt.

This time though I stay in control. His last message today was sent late afternoon reminding me that I hadn't made it to his flatwarming earlier in the year and would I like a private viewing! I decided to call a halt then and didn't reply but only because I want to leave him wanting more.
I'm happy to play this game I think, but I do it on my terms. I'm not going to let myself get drawn into anything heavy - I just want some fun. The trouble is I embark on these things in the name of "fun", even though I know that is the last thing it will turn out to be. I think I am constantly searching for a holiday from reality.

Whatever the reason though, I do know that I need to prove to myself that I can have a relationship with a man and that I can be the one with the power - that I decide whether to start it, continue it or end it.

Getting Over It

These last few days have been really difficult. I wish I hadn't let myself think of Chris.

Although I made a decision that day in the park to carry on after he dumped me so unceremoniously, it took me a long, long time to get over it.

I felt so alone after that phone call. I found myself thinking of him constantly and even though I knew I had to get back to living my life, I felt such a fool. I couldn't quite believe that what we had was just over, so soon and unexpectedly. From the moment we had met at the airport, I thought I'd found a friend but it was clearly different for him and that felt like a kick in the stomach.

I was so angry for so long . So terribly sad and confused and constantly on the edge of tears. I couldn't understand why he would tell me that he couldn't deal with this, when together, we had gone over the problems we might face on our return and promised to be there for each other, however bad it got. Whenever I thought of how he had almost cruelly dismissed me that day, it gave me such a physical pain in my chest that I truly thought I might be seriously ill. It was the not understanding that was the crux of the issue - what had I done to deserve this treatment from him?

I kept running over in my head exactly what I would say to him the next time he got in touch. How I would let him know what a shit I thought he was to push me away when I needed him the most. But of course, he never did contact me - he cut me off completely and it hurt like hell to know that he was just not bothered

I desperately wanted to tell someone but I looked at my friends and there was no one I could confide in. I knew they would judge me or tell me I was stupid and so I dealt with it alone. Or rather I didn't - I was in a sorry state for a long time and at one stage I thought I would never get over it. I had pinned such a lot of hope and expectation on him which is not something I normally do and that made it all the worse. Whenever I had any time to myself, it was that thought that made me cry the most and I hated him for making me feel like that.

I don't hate him now though and my heart and stomach don't churn as much when I think of him. Because however much I try not to think about him, I do. His face often comes swimming into view and I find myself remembering him yet again. I do wonder if I will ever truly get over him but even so, this feeling has in a way been more bearable than when Lee left me. Unlike then, there has been no time in the last four years when I have wanted to end my life, although there were many times that I didn't think I could get out of bed to face the day.

Not very long ago, I realised that in order to truly move on, I have to remember my time with Chris with great affection and no bitterness. After all these years though, I still want to see him and talk to him because I know I never did anything wrong and I've never understood why he went so cold on me.

Part of me now also believes that he's simply not worth my emotion - even though he has taken so much of it.

How It Finally Ended

The last few days have been awful. I can't get Chris off my mind. I've worked really hard at keeping him out of my for head for so long but just allowing myself to remember back to that time in Australia seems to have opened up a floodgate, and thoughts of him just keep crashing over me.

After we said goodbye at the airport, I spent an evening catching up with my family but before I went to bed, I took my phone into the bathroom and texted him goodnight. He replied immediately saying he felt very alone in his London hotel. Even though I climbed into bed with Ewan that night, my heart was with Chris.

The next day, I had to take Sasha to a musical theatre workshop audition in Covent Garden. It was a beautiful crisp but sunny Autumn day and after I dropped her off, I had four hours to kill until I had to pick her up. While I was looking round the shops, I got a text from Chris. He said he had completed all his London meetings but his flight back to Glasgow wasn't until the evening, I told him where I was and within half an hour he was with there with me.

We had lunch outside on the Piazza but just like on the flight home, we didn't say much. We simply held hands and looked at each other, and that seemed to speak volumes. He did want to know though if I'd had sex with Ewan the night before. I told him that I had and he said the thought of that killed him but that it was OK because of course that evening he would be with his wife, Kaye. I hated the thought of that but said nothing.

While we were sitting there, we could hear an opera singer entertaining the crowds. She started singing Puccini's "O Mio Babbino Caro" and her voice was so beautiful that I thought my heart would burst. I looked at Chris and like me he had tears his eyes. Looking back now, I think I may have realised at that moment that it was really over and that there was no way we could even carry on a friendship. I can't hear that song now without thinking of that look on his face.

We walked to the tube station and this time there was no passionate kiss, he just squeezed my hand and walked away and within seconds he was engulfed in the crowds of commuters and tourists who swept him away from me.

We emailed and texted for a few weeks after that but he soon told me that he found it too difficult. He said it would be easier if we didn't communicate on a regular basis so I left him alone for a bit, even though I thought about him all the time.

Then, about a month later, Ewan and myself had the most almighty row which had been brewing for some time. Halfway through it, I snapped and said I'd had enough and that I was leaving. As I walked to the door, he grabbed me by the arms and said he wouldn't let me go and that running away wasn't the answer. I burst into tears then and I think had some sort of breakdown. I remember falling to the floor screaming in between great, racking sobs which seemed to come from deep within me. I was shaking and unable to breathe and Ewan cradled me and told me that everything would be OK and that he would look after me and help me through this, and I wondered if maybe, he knew.

Later when I was calm, he let me go off alone for a walk in the park and there of course, I called Chris to tell him what had happened. He listened, saying nothing. Then, when I finished he said, almost dispassionately, that he couldn't deal with this. That he wasn’t in the right place to be able to handle it. That he had his own problems and that he was sorry but a clean break was the only answer.

I couldn't belive it! This man....this man who promised to be my friend, in whom I had confided everything, was now telling me to go away. It felt as if he had ripped out my heart.

Once again in my life, I faced rejection and what felt like compete betrayal. Every inch of me wanted to curl up and let the world carry on without me for a while, but this time I made an immediate decision that I wasn't going to break.

I took a deep breath, wiped away my tears and returned home to Ewan.

Saying Goodbye

I still can't stop thinking about Chris.

That time in Australia and our relationship meant so much to me. For a few short weeks, I was with someone from whom nothing was hidden. I held back from allowing myself to fall completely but although I wasn't in love with him, it was something very similar. More than the physical, it was being able to talk so openly and to be with someone who couldn't get enough of me. That feeling of being needed, wanted, desired is very addictive.

On the flight back to London, we were both quiet. We reflected on the trip and what it meant to each of us. He told me that he never wanted to lose me as a friend and that I was to phone him or email him whenever I needed to talk and I was so grateful to know that for the rest of my life I would have a friend who knew me so totally. We talked about how we would deal with our problems back at home, how we would both make a go of our marriages, knowing that we had each other to turn to for support and understanding.

When we landed, he helped me load my luggage onto my trolley and then told me to go. I wanted to wait for him but he said that we had to say goodbye there. It had come too quickly but I knew he was right. So I put my arms around him and he held me tightly as we kissed and I just wanted to stay like that forever and not go back into that world that was waiting for me. Eventually, we broke apart, he told me to go and I walked away.

I didn't turn back, even though I wanted to with every fibre of my being. But instead, I walked through the doors to Ewan and the kids who were waiting for me. As soon as I saw them I burst into tears. They thought it was because I was happy to be reunited with them after so long, but only I knew I was crying for what I was leaving behind.

The Second Affair

I didn't reply to Matt's email in the end. Thought it was for the best. I felt very strange last night though because for some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about my second affair and I am usually very good at keeping that one out of my head.

That was four years ago but it still feels so recent - probably because I still dont think I'm truly over it. It was completely different to my fling with Ollie which, let's face it, was only about sex.

It started when one of the directors of the company I worked for, Iona, decided to pursue a better life in Australia and she wanted to see if she could run a branch of the business out there. So, she asked me to join her for a while to help set it up. She also asked a guy called Chris who was part of our team in Scotland. He was someone I knew of but had never actually met.

The offer came at just the right time and it was a challenge I needed. Ewan and myself were having serious problems. If we weren't arguing we had nothing to say to each other. We both decided the five week trip would be a good opportunity to try living apart for a while. He thought it was what we needed to get us back on track but I wasn’t so sure.

I really didn't go with any other intention than working hard to make the new office successful ....and maybe to get some much needed sun after yet another appalling British summer.

Iona had already been out there for a month and she arranged for Chris and myself to travel out there together to join her. I had wanted to travel alone as I needed the space. The thought of making small talk with a stranger for twenty-two hours filled me with dread. Iona had already booked the flights and accommodation though, so there was nothing I could do.

I remember going to the airport early and checking in quickly so that I wouldn't have to sit with him! But I hadn't been in the gold lounge for long before he found me!! I immediately felt guilty because he asked me very pleasantly if I wanted to be alone or if he could join me. Of course, I couldn't say no to the latter and actually to my shame, we hit it off straight away.

Our flight was delayed for a couple of hours and in that time, I had him opening up about all sorts of things - including how his marriage was in trouble. I recognised a lot of what he was saying from what was going on in my own life and threw in my twopenny advice. He told me that he had never met anyone he could speak to so openly before. In a last minute rush then, we got his seat changed so that he could be next to me and we had a great flight together. I've never known time to go so quickly. We talked and laughed and found we had a lot in common. It was just so easy and I really enjoyed being with him.

It was evening when we got to Sydney and there was a message at the hotel from Iona saying that she had to meet an important contact and couldn't join us so we had a lovely dinner on our own. By the end of the meal, I had told him all about the problems in my marriage. I never do that - I don't tell anyone anything about myself but with him I felt that he genuinely wanted to know and it felt good opening up to him.

We had arrived on the Saturday and got stuck into work pretty much straight away. On the Wednesday, we had got back to the hotel late after entertaining potential clients and gone to our rooms. I had just showered and got into bed when there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find him standing there with a couple of miniature bottles of brandy from his mini bar. "I can't sleep" he said, in his gorgeous Scots accent "You don't fancy a drink do you?" And so he came in and we did, in fact, talk for quite a while. He was sitting on my bed and then suddenly he just moved towards me and kissed me. He told me he had wanted to do that since the first moment he saw me and that's how it started, in earnest.

We spent all our time out of work together which meant we got very little sleep. Because I was able to talk to him so freely, I told him all my fantasies - things I had never even told Ewan. As a result, the sex was amazing. But more than that it was just lovely being so close to someone.

It's simple things that make my heart race when I think back to that time. We went to the beach one weekend and he had gone off to get ice creams and I just remember watching him walking back to me, his shirt completely unbuttoned, revealing that amazing body. His soft, soft skin looked so brown against that white shirt..... I still feel light-headed thinking about how much I wanted him at that moment.

As the weeks went by, we knew that at the end of it we would both go back to our partners. It was understood but it just made our time together so much more precious.

The First Affair

I was looking forward to getting in to work and logging on today and ...sure enough, there was an email from young Matt. If I had any doubts that I may have been reading too much into yesterday's exchange, they were certainly erased by the message that greeted me today ...
"OK am going to take a risk here that you may never speak to me again but when I went home yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about you and how gorgeous and funny you are. Don't suppose you fancy engaging on a passionate journey into sensual pleasure with me, do you????"

I should be shocked and outraged that he dares to try it on with me but I feel exhilarated, which is just so ridiculous. I decided the sensible thing to do would be not to reply, or at least delay it...so I don't look too eager!

This is very dangerous territory. If I step into this, it could be a harmless online flirtation or it could end up becoming a full-blown affair and that is something I can't let happen.....not again.

I've been married nearly twenty years and in that time I have already had two affairs. God, I feel cheap just writing that. What sort of woman does that make me?

The first one happened eight years into the marriage. It wasn't the easiest of times as Ewan was always working late and seemed to have lost interest in me. One evening, we went to a party together that was full of beautiful media people and I had made a bit of an effort. It was a good do and the drink was flowing and I was introduced to an actor called Ollie. He was probably the best looking man I had/have ever met - tall, slim, dark hair, green piercing eyes and sexy stubble. Absolutely, stunningly gorgeous and he so knew it. He started chatting me up straight away and although I pretended not to be interested and kept reminding him that I was married, I was LOVING the attention! He told me that before the end of the week we would be sleeping together and I told him to dream on, On the way home, I told Ewan that he fancied me and just he just laughed it off!!! That could have been a trigger, I don't know.

A few days later, Ollie called me at work - said he had got the number from a mutual friend. In just a matter of minutes it was clear exactly what he wanted. I made him pursue me over a short period of time but I always knew were it was going. He called me several times a day until eventually, I agreed to meet him for lunch. We did that a couple of times and then my resolve failed and I went back to his flat and spent a glorious afternoon with him. I should have felt guilty but it felt amazing being with someone who was so accomplished in bed. We got together a few times after that and then he just lost interest which made me feel faintly ridiculous for allowing myself to become just another of his many women and for not being able to keep him wanting me.

Ewan never knew and in a strange way it made things better for a while as it rekindled our sexual relationship. The guilt did kick in for a bit and I tried to be a better, more supportive wife but we soon settled back into our rut.

And that is probably why I was always going to stray again.

Day After

I came into work to a really sweet email today. One of the guys from the singing group, Matt, sent me a message saying he hoped I was OK, as they were all concerned that I had gone straight home after yesterday's events rather than join them for the usual drinks. He went on to say that he thought the "esteemed" MD was in fact "a rude tosser" ! That made me smile. He said he thought I had a beautiful voice and that in fact, none of the others could understand why he should say what he did and that they really hoped I didn't stop coming as a result as it would be a real loss to the group.

I have to say that made me feel a bit better but I still feel pretty embarrassed that Mr MD called my voice boring. BORING!?! I feel like one of those sad losers on The X-Factor who come on proclaiming they are the next Madonna, only to be laughed off by the judges.

Matt's message was lovely but I'm very confused now. It might be best to give it a rest for a while. I said that in my reply but he immediately answered that I mustn't give up singing. He went on to say that he would miss seeing my "beautiful smiling face" if I stopped going. That came as a bit of a surprise I must say - a bit of a weird thing to say.

He's nice, Matt. One of the younger memmbers of the group. He's always very friendly and quite entertaining when we all go off for drinks. He's made me laugh out loud with some of his stories. He's quite good looking - very self assured. We sang a duet in in show a few years ago and I remember really looking forward to our rehearsals together. He's got a young girlfriend, Kelly, who he started to bring along to the group recently. She's beautiful! Long blonde hair, tiny waist, flat bronzed toned stomach (which often seems to be on display!) and legs up to her neck!! She's very quiet though and difficult to engage with. I tried talking to her when she first joined but found her a bit aloof so stopped bothering. Matt's very sweet with her though - always holding her hand and checking she's OK. She's a lucky girl! I almost mourn for the days when Ewan was like that with me.

Anyway, Matt and myself ended up having quite an email exchange today and by the end of play, I was quite excited. He told that he's always liked me and was often disappointed when I didn't turn up for a group event. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I think he may quite fancy me. Ewan always laughs at me when I say things like that - tells me that I think everyone fancies me which I dont, although I am quite flirtatious and I know that men enjoy my company. Let's see! If he sends me an email tomorrow, I'll know I'm right!

Oh, what am I saying? Maybe my hormones are playing up. The trouble is, I know that I invest a lot of my self esteem in being appreciated/fancied/loved by men. Does that mean I could possibly be turning into one of those sad, middle-aged women who hit on young men? God, I really hope not!