Almost....But I Think The Moment Has Gone

I’ve decided I quite like my therapist!

He’s very good. I wanted to not like him, to be irritated by him, to be superior to him and second guess him all the time. I don’t know why. It’s about control I suppose. If I give in to him, I make myself vulnerable, I concede power, I allow him the weapons to wreak possible havoc in my life.

I’ve treated this whole thing as a bit of a game. Go ahead if you think you can get in, if you think you can get me to offload, if you think you can spot a chink in the armour. I don’t think so.

Thing is, he’s known that all along. He gets me. He has been very patient with me. He knows that I’m very nervous of what might be uncovered. He has let me go along at my own pace.He has told me a few times that he is happy to see me for as long it takes but that I needed to realise that could be years, as long as I insist on keeping up my guard.

I was hoping therapy could be me just talking and talking and telling him all sorts of things from my childhood onwards in a bid to just get everything out and then maybe, maybe once it was all laid out, I could start putting bits together.

In my last session though, while I was in the middle of talking about some nonsense, I suddenly realised doing it this way is not going to work. I stopped talking and he let me sit quietly for a bit and then asked if I was OK. I told him that I liked him, that I appreciated how he had let me be these last few months. He asked me quietly what it was I wanted and I told him that I just wanted to be able to sort everything out but that I was frightened of facing myself. He asked me if I knew exactly what it was that I was afraid of and I told him honestly that I didn’t but that I suspected it would be that I despise myself and given that I have built a lifetime out of being a great gal, loved by everyone and full of fun, that would be hard.

He said he could help me if I was willing to think about things differently. Again he went back to his pet subject, Ewan, and asked me why I was so keen to protect him. I started crying. It’s been a while since I’ve done that with him.

In our very first session, I told him something that Ewan had done quite early on in our marriage, something I haven’t been able to bring myself to blog about, yet. Nothing too terrible in the scheme of things, I suppose, but something that affected me. Thinking about it now, I’m surprised I came straight out with it and told him. No one else knows. That was actually the most productive session to date as I felt so desperate that I was willing to talk about everything. Every week since then I have maintained “control”.

The therapist has often asked if I want to address that issue and I have always skirted round it. This last time, he told me that the thing with Ewan was the “elephant in the room”. He could see it and didn’t understand why I was refusing to acknowledge it. He said that I should stop hiding it away and pretending that it never happened. (I’m making it sound very dramatic – it will be a real letdown when I finally blog about it, after such a big build-up!!) He says if we can talk it through, we can make some real progress.

We couldn’t take it any further then because we were at the end of our time which is a shame because for the first time, I felt like I was on the edge of something. I’m worried we’ll have lost our place by the next session. I spent the weekend thinking that if I could blog about it all, I might make that discovery before going back to the therapist. But I sat down to write and I find I can’t. All I have been able to manage is this nonsensical ramble.

In a bid to get back to the same place, the therapist has asked me to be ready to talk about whether or not I married Mr Right. I should have written about that today.

That’s what I’ll do next time.

The Elephant

The lovely Maternal Tales has posted an amazing video showing an elephant giving birth and the dramatic moments that follow.

It reminded me that I have an affinity with elephants. I love them for their huge, quiet, majesty and the way they communicate with each other and travel together in extended matriarchal families. I rode on an elephant in Goa, back when I was a student and I have photos of that fabulous experience to keep the memory alive. But the most precious incident was over seventeen years ago and one I’ll never forget.

Soon after Sasha was born, Ewan was asked by his best friend Tom, to be best man at his wedding……..in Indonesia !!! We all went even though our baby was only four months old.

To be honest, it was a stressful trip for me. I don’t remember much about it except that I was anxious about everything. Sasha clearly loved it and didn’t seem at all affected by the heat and the attention and she wasn’t ill once, even though I seemed to be in the constant grip of sickness or diarrhoea, or both. The wedding took place over three days and was an amazing experience but it was difficult for me to appreciate it all. I should have relaxed more but I was an anxious young mother back then.

The day after the final wedding celebrations, the bride’s family arranged for the British visitors to go to a wildlife park. It was a great day. I was finally feeling well and was much more calm in the knowledge that we were going back home in a day or so and I had got to know everyone and was feeling happy in their company. We travelled to the park in a fleet of open 4x4s and Sasha spent the journey giggling away at the bumpy road and the breeze on her face. I knew we were going to see elephants at the park and I was most content.

When we got there we wandered around this most beautiful of places. The family had hired a couple of guides and we spent a few hours walking and driving through the stunning park, watching various animals roaming free and looking at the fabulous plants and trees. At one stage we went into a wooded area for a walk and I was truly at the happiest I had been through the whole trip as I carried my gorgeous baby through this breathtaking forest. Suddenly we could hear horns and drums in the distance and our guides started to get agitated and there was much nervous chatter on walkie-talkies and eventually we found out that one of the elephants had lost her calf and was on the rampage. They said we needed to go back until they were both found as the mother could now be a real danger. I didn’t really comprehend what was going on but just followed the group in a bit of a daze as we were ushered in panic back out of the woods.

We were in a small clearing when suddenly there was a rustle in the bushes and out ran the baby elephant into our group. The guides went a little crazy then, jumping around all over the place and shouting into their radios and I could see this poor little creature was frightened by all the hullabaloo and so I held out my hand to him and he came over to me. The guides were shouting “no, no madam! Please leave him!” But I was completely enchanted. He was only waist height and he pushed against my legs and unfurled his trunk to reach out to Sasha who was in my arms and squealing with delight. I was kind of aware of the panic around us but I was lost in a world of wonder with this oh so sweet baby elephant who I couldn’t stop patting even though the guides were practically apoplectic by now.

And then, without warning this huge elephant just appeared through the trees and was suddenly among us, looking at each of us and then resting her stare on me …..with my hand on her precious baby. Everyone was quiet and still then – in fact, the guards were slowly moving back and trying to get the others to follow them. But it was if, just for a moment everything was frozen. I wasn’t at all scared although I found out later that everyone else was terrified.

But there was no need. The baby elephant ran to his mother who gathered him to her using her trunk to check him over with such tenderness that I wanted to cry. And then, in the most magic moment that I’ll never, ever forget, she looked right at me holding Sasha and then turned her baby around with her trunk and pushed him back to me as if to say “it’s all right son, she’s a mother too – she won’t do you any harm”. And in that moment, I smiled at her and I’m sure her eyes were smiling too. I’m welling up now just thinking about it. It was all over far too quickly as the guides shooed us away but she stood there with her baby and watched us as we were led off. I kept looking back and she kept watching until we were out of sight.

It’s something I’ll never forget and I’ll often ask Ewan if it was as I remember and he assures me that it was.

Gosh, I have shivers down my spine just remembering that – it was truly magical.

Keeping Busy

The therapist was visibly pleased when I told him what happened with Matt. He said I had shown strength of character by making it clear to him what I wanted face to face and he asked if I was proud of myself. I thought it was a strange question. What’s to be proud of? I ended something I should never have allowed to start in the first place.

I actually feel a bit low, and not because I miss him or anything like that, but the therapist says that’s to be expected and that I mustn’t let that develop or take hold and that I should “keep busy”. He told me to do anything that keeps my mind from dwelling on Matt or anything about him. He says regular thoughts can create hard-wired mental habits that your mind keeps going back to which can then be hard to break. So to avoid that I have to work hard at filling my mind with other things. He said I should avoid being alone but when I am, to read, watch telly/films, listen to music, do puzzles (!) – anything to keep Matt out of my head.

I thought that would be easy as I could just blog but I’m sitting here and I suddenly feel all shy and don’t know what to write !! So, forgive me, I’m being lazy and have decided to do this meme which I was tagged to do ages ago and didn’t get round to it. Apologies to whoever it was but you need to know that you have provided me with a life-saving exercise - thank you.

I’m not tagging anyone but feel free to pick it up and run with it if you fancy it. Here goes:

Where is your cell phone? In the bottom of my bag where I prefer it to be when I’m not at work
Your hair? I have just had it cut actually. It was very long and it’s now shoulder length but I think I like it
Your dream last night? That I was on holiday and it was the last day and we had to go so we wouldn’t miss the plane but I had loads of packing still to do….
Your favorite drink? White grape and peach is rather nice
What room are you in? Bedroom - sitting up in bed all cosy under the duvet with the laptop
Where were you last night? In this same bed. In fact I’ve been here now for twelve full hours – pure luxury
Your hobby? Singing – I need to find a way of taking it up again
Something that you aren't? Young !!
Where did you grow up? London - born and bred
Last thing you did? Woke up and reached out for laptop
What are you wearing? Have just pulled on Ewan’s t-shirt
Your TV? We have one in the bedroom and I’m watching the Wright Stuff because one of my friends is on it today
Pets? Nope
Friends? Lots and I adore them and some are really special…but I can never let any one of them get too close. One for the therapist I think
Your mood? OK this morning but I don’t have any energy to get out of bed which I recognise is not good
Missing someone? Absolutely not !!
Your favorite color? Blue
One place that I go to over and over? The office
One person who emails me regularly? My boss – three times already this morning!!
Favorite place to eat? My kitchen when my lovely family are together and I’m in the middle of them all !

Over And Out

It’s been a week of ups and downs.

The messages from Matt continued and I didn’t acknowledge any of them until Wednesday evening when he sent a text saying “I need to talk this out with you and if you refuse to call me then I will have to come over to your house to have this conversation ”.

Of course, that completely freaked me out and I hardly slept that night. The next morning I rang him and he immediately apologised for sending that text. He said he regretted it the moment he had pressed SEND. I didn’t engage but just arranged to meet him Friday lunchtime.

We met at a bar not far from where I work and headed straight to the back so that we could talk without being seen or interrupted. He started as if there was nothing wrong, asking me how I was and telling me some incident that happened to him on the way to meet me. Then he got in with how glad he was that I had agreed to see him and that he had so much to tell me but that most of all he needed me to know that he couldn’t function without me and after what happened on that Friday he realised how much he needed me in his life and that he would do anything to make that happen and did I want him to dump Kelly because he would if that meant we could be together again.

I was stunned. It took me a while to take in what he was saying but I didn’t let it put me off what I had to say. I told him to listen to me carefully, that the reason I had agreed to meet was to tell him that we were well and truly over and that I had wanted to do it face to face because doing it by email and text clearly hadn’t worked. I wanted proper closure with no misunderstandings. And I wanted to make it clear that from this point on I would not answer any texts, emails or calls. And that if I saw him again I would avoid him.

He didn’t seem to hear what I was saying though and even had a half-smile on his face. And then he leant forward and said “I know you think that’s the right thing to do and maybe it is but I know that deep down you don’t mean it. Perhaps it would make a difference if I told you .... I love you. I have never said that to anyone before in my life but I’m telling you because it’s the truth. I love you so much that it hurts and that is probably why I have been acting like a crazy man since we first got together.”

A good few minutes must have gone by then as I literally didn’t know what to do. At some level I was touched by what he said and almost ready to believe it and I was almost tempted to throw caution to the wind and take his face in my hands and kiss him. But he looked so sure of himself, so sure that he had scored a winner that I couldn’t let myself be played.

“You don’t love me” I said. “You’re in love with the idea of winning me back, of having power over a woman who is married with kids and who has a great life but still comes running to you because you have something she thinks she needs.” I ranted on a bit more but can’t really remember what I said or even if it made any sense. I just ended by repeating that I wanted this to end.

This time, he didn’t look so smug. In fact he looked really pissed off. He banged his drink on the table and his voice sounded full of anger “Fine. I hear every word you say” . And then he got up and leant down to whisper, or rather spit in my ear “but don’t you ever, EVER, presume to tell me what I feel.”

And with that he turned on his heel and stalked out, without even a goodbye or a look back. I was stuck there then because I couldn’t physically move. I was in some sort of shock I think - completely numb. I must have stayed in that seat for about half an hour before I was finally able to get up and get out. I went back to the office but to be honest I did nothing and was just pretending to work. I think it was the anger, hatred even, in his voice as he delivered that last line that stung me.

But by the time I went home I did feel lighter and over the weekend with my lovely family, the realisation has dawned on me that it is now over. I don’t have to think about it anymore. I’m sure I will, but I feel that I can at least move forward now.

It is all done.

Guilt

It's been a rough few days.

In all the time I was seeing Matt, I never felt guilt. Worried maybe. Anxious that I may get found out but never guilty. Never guilty about how I was betraying the family – it was easier not to think about that. But since last Monday and that episode in Matt’s flat, I have been feeling terrible.

I know nothing happened and I got myself out of there before anything could but I was stupid enough to find myself in that position in the first place. I have been such a fool and I don’t know how I ever let myself get into this situation. What was I thinking of playing around with a bloke ten years younger than me? Allowing myself to be flattered by his practised lines?

Things aren’t helped by the constant messages I have been getting since then. Each one more desperate than the last. “We need to talk” ... “Where are you” ... “Don’t hide away from me” .... “You know you want this as much as me” .... “Don’t fight something we both need” .... “Please let me prove how important you are to me” etc etc. Needless to say I haven’t responded to any of them but I want them to stop.

And then there’s Ewan. I feel very warm towards him at the moment and things are good between us. Not that they are ever bad but sometimes we don’t do more than function along together. This time of the year though is always a bit special. I’ve noticed that he’s always extra attentive in this period between my birthday and Valentine’s Day. It’s as if he wants to prove to me that I am someone special in his life – not just the woman he shares his day to day living with. And I cherish that so much. It kind of charges up my batteries for when things become a bit routine again.

At the weekend, as he went by me in the kitchen, he kissed me and told me I was beautiful. Just like that. No reason, no explanation, no look back - just a passing remark and he has no idea how affected I am by things like that. How it makes me just smile and feel young again.

Yesterday evening, after a lovely Valentine's Day, I was lying on the sofa, listening to my daughter on the piano as she worked on her music compositions, which are amazing, and then as I drifted in and out of sleep I was aware of her singing and playing her favourite songs and I started to feel a bit emotional at how talented she was and how blessed I am to have such a lovely family and how I mustn’t ruin it and then suddenly she was playing Rihanna’s “Unfaithful” and it sounded as if she was singing it from so deep within her that for a minute I wondered if she knew something. I knew she didn’t but it moved me to tears as I listened to the words:

.......Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true
And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well .......

I know Ewan doesn't suspect anything but I also know now that nothing more will happen with Matt. Ever.

I don't wanna do this anymore

Sadness And Stupidity

I went to a funeral yesterday.

Anna joined the singing group a year or so ago. She had decided to join us because she wanted to break away from her old group as her ex-husband was still there and she was finding it difficult.

She was great! Lots of fun and she fitted in straight away. She came to our social events too and I got on with her really well and we had a laugh.

She was in the Christmas cabaret in December and as ever she was brilliant and looked very sassy in a shimmering silver gown.

About a week after that, I thought a night out was in order and got a few of the girls from the group together. When I rang her though, she told me she wasn't up to it as she had severe "gut-rot" which was getting on her nerves but she put it down to too much partying.

Then a few weeks later, at the group's New Year drinks, I asked where she was and heard she was quite ill with a stomach ulcer which had been playing her up for a while.

I called her the next day and she sounded really fed up. She said she was in a lot of pain and that the medicine wasn't helping and that even though she was hardly eating and being sick, her stomach was so bloated that she looked six months pregnant.

A few days later, I got a call saying she had been rushed into hospital as her doctor had got it wrong and that actually she didn't have an ulcer but in fact, had three tumours in her stomach. Three. How does that happen? How can you have three tumours without the doctor realising?

She had surgery where they found they were all malignant and she went into intensive care. We were waiting to hear when she was well enough for visitors.

On Friday morning, an email popped up from her ex-husband. It was entitled Anna - Funeral Details. I couldn't believe it. I felt completely winded, as if someone had punched me.

The funeral was yesterday and the church was packed. Most of the singing group was there, including Matt but not Kelly.

It was a very moving service, made more so because we heard that just before she died, she re-married her ex-husband in her hospital bed. Of course, that set me off.

When he stood up to talk, he could hardly get through it as he was so choked. And then he introduced some old home movies and there was one clip of the whole family together with both sets of parents, her brother, and her children (when they were little) having a karaoke evening, and the clip showed Anna singing "Over The Rainbow" quite beautifully and at the end, as all her family were clapping, you could hear her little girl say: "I love it when you sing Mummy - it makes me go all squidgy inside" and then Anna picked her up and hugged her tight and I was in absolute floods of tears.

I couldn't stop then as I kept thinking that just a few short weeks ago she had been singing on stage at the cabaret and that now she was gone. I just can't get my head round it.

And as I was sobbing away, I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked behind and it was Matt. And after the service, when the family went to the cemetery for a private burial, he asked me if I wanted a lift home and I stupidly said yes, and of course, we ended up at his flat.

He poured me a glass of wine and we sat in his sitting room and we talked about Anna and then he told me how much he was missing me and he stroked my hair and then touched my face and almost without me realising it we were kissing. And then, it became more urgent and suddenly, he had pushed me back on the sofa and he was on top of me and his hands were all over me and he said "god, you feel so good. I have missed this so much. I haven't been able to get this out my head. You are like a drug to me and I'm completely addicted". And as he was speaking he moved a cushion out of the way and I noticed it was pink and fluffy. And then as I looked around, while he was kissing me, I saw that that actually there was a lot of pink in his room and then of course it hit me that is because Kelly lives there now and suddenly, I needed to get out.

He said he was sorry I was freaked out and that he understood and that he that he would arrange for us to meet somewhere else in future but please, please not to shut him out of my life again.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. This wasn't meant to happen. All I wanted to do was pay my last respects to Anna - I feel I have betrayed her in some way by allowing this to happen.

Boobies

I have been pondering the subject of bosoms a lot recently!

I think it started a few days ago when I passed a very well-dressed businessman on the stairs of the building where I work, who looked as if he should have been the perfect gentlemen. As he went by though, he coughed and I'm certain I heard him say "great breasts" !!! I chose not to react or say anything to him but I did think it was rather cheeky …..and brazen!

I do have rather good boobs!! Good in the sense that they are appreciated by the opposite sex (even my gay friends) and actually by some of my own fair sex who think I “wear them well” !! Considering my age, they are not bad although bigger than I would like which causes me backache at times. In fact, if I’m honest, I think they are freakishly big. As a friend once said, they are “Sunday Sport big”, which is probably fairly accurate.

Why do men like them big? What is it about them? Ewan is still very appreciative of them, even after all these years. They are bigger now than when we first got together probably because I had our second child so soon after the first. I was still breast-feeding when I got pregnant again so they never had a chance to go down. They have got bigger whenever I have put on weight but refused to go down when I’ve gone on a diet. In this last round of Matt-induced weight loss, I only went down half a cup size !

When I was at school, I had nothing. Zilch. Flat as a pancake. In the sixth form I was actually known as “Flatty” which distressed me no end. They finally arrived while I was at university and I think I had the perfect figure then for a while.

When Kyle was about two, I decided I really ought to get properly fitted for a bra and I found out that instead of being a 36C, I was in fact a 34E. E !!! So I bought a few bras and when I got them home, baby Kyle pulled one out of the bag and placed it on his head…and it fitted, like a little lace hat! Each of my boobs were/are the size of a baby’s head! How horrific a thought is that!!

I’m a DD now and although my bosoms look OK in my specially fitted, almost armoured bras, they are not so great hanging loose. As Lynn said in “Desperate Housewives” a few weeks ago, once you’ve had kids, they look more like a couple of balloons that you find behind the sofa a few days after the party!!!

Nevertheless, all I know is that there are very few men who can keep their eyes from straying downwards during a whole conversation - they don’t even seem to know they are doing it! I’m used to it and don’t mind. If I’m honest I’m quite amused, probably even flattered, by it. But what I really don’t like is the physical appreciation.

Let’s face it - no man brushes past a woman with big boobs, by accident !!