Guilt

It's been a rough few days.

In all the time I was seeing Matt, I never felt guilt. Worried maybe. Anxious that I may get found out but never guilty. Never guilty about how I was betraying the family – it was easier not to think about that. But since last Monday and that episode in Matt’s flat, I have been feeling terrible.

I know nothing happened and I got myself out of there before anything could but I was stupid enough to find myself in that position in the first place. I have been such a fool and I don’t know how I ever let myself get into this situation. What was I thinking of playing around with a bloke ten years younger than me? Allowing myself to be flattered by his practised lines?

Things aren’t helped by the constant messages I have been getting since then. Each one more desperate than the last. “We need to talk” ... “Where are you” ... “Don’t hide away from me” .... “You know you want this as much as me” .... “Don’t fight something we both need” .... “Please let me prove how important you are to me” etc etc. Needless to say I haven’t responded to any of them but I want them to stop.

And then there’s Ewan. I feel very warm towards him at the moment and things are good between us. Not that they are ever bad but sometimes we don’t do more than function along together. This time of the year though is always a bit special. I’ve noticed that he’s always extra attentive in this period between my birthday and Valentine’s Day. It’s as if he wants to prove to me that I am someone special in his life – not just the woman he shares his day to day living with. And I cherish that so much. It kind of charges up my batteries for when things become a bit routine again.

At the weekend, as he went by me in the kitchen, he kissed me and told me I was beautiful. Just like that. No reason, no explanation, no look back - just a passing remark and he has no idea how affected I am by things like that. How it makes me just smile and feel young again.

Yesterday evening, after a lovely Valentine's Day, I was lying on the sofa, listening to my daughter on the piano as she worked on her music compositions, which are amazing, and then as I drifted in and out of sleep I was aware of her singing and playing her favourite songs and I started to feel a bit emotional at how talented she was and how blessed I am to have such a lovely family and how I mustn’t ruin it and then suddenly she was playing Rihanna’s “Unfaithful” and it sounded as if she was singing it from so deep within her that for a minute I wondered if she knew something. I knew she didn’t but it moved me to tears as I listened to the words:

.......Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true
And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well .......

I know Ewan doesn't suspect anything but I also know now that nothing more will happen with Matt. Ever.

I don't wanna do this anymore