It’s been a week of ups and downs.
The messages from Matt continued and I didn’t acknowledge any of them until Wednesday evening when he sent a text saying “I need to talk this out with you and if you refuse to call me then I will have to come over to your house to have this conversation ”.
Of course, that completely freaked me out and I hardly slept that night. The next morning I rang him and he immediately apologised for sending that text. He said he regretted it the moment he had pressed SEND. I didn’t engage but just arranged to meet him Friday lunchtime.
We met at a bar not far from where I work and headed straight to the back so that we could talk without being seen or interrupted. He started as if there was nothing wrong, asking me how I was and telling me some incident that happened to him on the way to meet me. Then he got in with how glad he was that I had agreed to see him and that he had so much to tell me but that most of all he needed me to know that he couldn’t function without me and after what happened on that Friday he realised how much he needed me in his life and that he would do anything to make that happen and did I want him to dump Kelly because he would if that meant we could be together again.
I was stunned. It took me a while to take in what he was saying but I didn’t let it put me off what I had to say. I told him to listen to me carefully, that the reason I had agreed to meet was to tell him that we were well and truly over and that I had wanted to do it face to face because doing it by email and text clearly hadn’t worked. I wanted proper closure with no misunderstandings. And I wanted to make it clear that from this point on I would not answer any texts, emails or calls. And that if I saw him again I would avoid him.
He didn’t seem to hear what I was saying though and even had a half-smile on his face. And then he leant forward and said “I know you think that’s the right thing to do and maybe it is but I know that deep down you don’t mean it. Perhaps it would make a difference if I told you .... I love you. I have never said that to anyone before in my life but I’m telling you because it’s the truth. I love you so much that it hurts and that is probably why I have been acting like a crazy man since we first got together.”
A good few minutes must have gone by then as I literally didn’t know what to do. At some level I was touched by what he said and almost ready to believe it and I was almost tempted to throw caution to the wind and take his face in my hands and kiss him. But he looked so sure of himself, so sure that he had scored a winner that I couldn’t let myself be played.
“You don’t love me” I said. “You’re in love with the idea of winning me back, of having power over a woman who is married with kids and who has a great life but still comes running to you because you have something she thinks she needs.” I ranted on a bit more but can’t really remember what I said or even if it made any sense. I just ended by repeating that I wanted this to end.
This time, he didn’t look so smug. In fact he looked really pissed off. He banged his drink on the table and his voice sounded full of anger “Fine. I hear every word you say” . And then he got up and leant down to whisper, or rather spit in my ear “but don’t you ever, EVER, presume to tell me what I feel.”
And with that he turned on his heel and stalked out, without even a goodbye or a look back. I was stuck there then because I couldn’t physically move. I was in some sort of shock I think - completely numb. I must have stayed in that seat for about half an hour before I was finally able to get up and get out. I went back to the office but to be honest I did nothing and was just pretending to work. I think it was the anger, hatred even, in his voice as he delivered that last line that stung me.
But by the time I went home I did feel lighter and over the weekend with my lovely family, the realisation has dawned on me that it is now over. I don’t have to think about it anymore. I’m sure I will, but I feel that I can at least move forward now.
It is all done.