Sadness And Stupidity

I went to a funeral yesterday.

Anna joined the singing group a year or so ago. She had decided to join us because she wanted to break away from her old group as her ex-husband was still there and she was finding it difficult.

She was great! Lots of fun and she fitted in straight away. She came to our social events too and I got on with her really well and we had a laugh.

She was in the Christmas cabaret in December and as ever she was brilliant and looked very sassy in a shimmering silver gown.

About a week after that, I thought a night out was in order and got a few of the girls from the group together. When I rang her though, she told me she wasn't up to it as she had severe "gut-rot" which was getting on her nerves but she put it down to too much partying.

Then a few weeks later, at the group's New Year drinks, I asked where she was and heard she was quite ill with a stomach ulcer which had been playing her up for a while.

I called her the next day and she sounded really fed up. She said she was in a lot of pain and that the medicine wasn't helping and that even though she was hardly eating and being sick, her stomach was so bloated that she looked six months pregnant.

A few days later, I got a call saying she had been rushed into hospital as her doctor had got it wrong and that actually she didn't have an ulcer but in fact, had three tumours in her stomach. Three. How does that happen? How can you have three tumours without the doctor realising?

She had surgery where they found they were all malignant and she went into intensive care. We were waiting to hear when she was well enough for visitors.

On Friday morning, an email popped up from her ex-husband. It was entitled Anna - Funeral Details. I couldn't believe it. I felt completely winded, as if someone had punched me.

The funeral was yesterday and the church was packed. Most of the singing group was there, including Matt but not Kelly.

It was a very moving service, made more so because we heard that just before she died, she re-married her ex-husband in her hospital bed. Of course, that set me off.

When he stood up to talk, he could hardly get through it as he was so choked. And then he introduced some old home movies and there was one clip of the whole family together with both sets of parents, her brother, and her children (when they were little) having a karaoke evening, and the clip showed Anna singing "Over The Rainbow" quite beautifully and at the end, as all her family were clapping, you could hear her little girl say: "I love it when you sing Mummy - it makes me go all squidgy inside" and then Anna picked her up and hugged her tight and I was in absolute floods of tears.

I couldn't stop then as I kept thinking that just a few short weeks ago she had been singing on stage at the cabaret and that now she was gone. I just can't get my head round it.

And as I was sobbing away, I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked behind and it was Matt. And after the service, when the family went to the cemetery for a private burial, he asked me if I wanted a lift home and I stupidly said yes, and of course, we ended up at his flat.

He poured me a glass of wine and we sat in his sitting room and we talked about Anna and then he told me how much he was missing me and he stroked my hair and then touched my face and almost without me realising it we were kissing. And then, it became more urgent and suddenly, he had pushed me back on the sofa and he was on top of me and his hands were all over me and he said "god, you feel so good. I have missed this so much. I haven't been able to get this out my head. You are like a drug to me and I'm completely addicted". And as he was speaking he moved a cushion out of the way and I noticed it was pink and fluffy. And then as I looked around, while he was kissing me, I saw that that actually there was a lot of pink in his room and then of course it hit me that is because Kelly lives there now and suddenly, I needed to get out.

He said he was sorry I was freaked out and that he understood and that he that he would arrange for us to meet somewhere else in future but please, please not to shut him out of my life again.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. This wasn't meant to happen. All I wanted to do was pay my last respects to Anna - I feel I have betrayed her in some way by allowing this to happen.