The Funeral

Yesterday was Sean's funeral.

I went with Ewan. Nancy was there with her husband Will, as they are back together again, but she didn't say much as she's still not very well. She didn't look too good and at one pont she had to leave the service for a bit. I think it has hit her very hard and she was very tearful.
Dave was there with Zoe, his wife, and he brought his three girls along as well as they adored their Uncle Sean and he loved them all too.
And Ed was there. He arrived alone late, only seconds before the coffin entered and as he joined us, he announced that Carolyn gave birth to a baby boy earlier in the morning. It can't have looked good that we were all beaming as Sean was carried in but my smiles soon dissolved into tears as I watched his mother following the coffin, wth Jenny holding her arm - clearly supporting her physically and emotionally.

It was a very moving service. The church was packed and Sean's band led the music.
Jenny spoke of how lucky she was to have known him even for so short a time and that she knew she would never love anyone like that again. She said she didn't feel cheated but blessed and that set me off again.
Ed spoke about his very good friend and relayed a few amusing stories about Sean in that way that only he can, but his voice cracked towards the end as he told the congregation that he and Carolyn had decided the only name for their new baby son was .....Sean.
And as the coffin was caried away, his mum broke down completely and none of us could hold back the tears.

For me, the hardest thing was seeing him lowered into the ground. The finality of that was too much and I'm sure if Ewan hadn't been holding me up, I would have collapsed.

My dear friend has gone and I never told him just how special he was. I hope he knew.

I'll never forget him

Weakness

I thought I would go back to work yesterday to give myself something to do and take my mind off everything but I was pretty useless when I was there. I couldn't really focus or get down to what I should be doing and spent most of my time just looking out of the window, remembering various things about Sean.

For example, I remember going to lunch with him once and he told me off for having my mobile on the table which I kept looking at. It was a busy time for me at work then I think, but actually he was right. It had always been a failing of mine that I always used to have it out and be fiddling with it. He told me I used it as a security blanket - a way of showing others that I was important ...and wanted. He was so right! Since then, it has always remained firmly in my bag - rarely taken out in company. He was right about so many other things too and never scared to tell me. That's one of the reasons why I loved him so much.

I don't know how many times my eyes welled up and I got that lump in my throat. It didn't matter what I did, I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

And then my phone beeped with a text. It was from Matt.
"Are you missing me as much as I'm missing you?"

I should have ignored it but I replied saying that I couldn't really answer because I had just had some bad news. He immediately called and again I shouldn't have picked up but I did and before I knew it I was crying down the phone and telling him about Sean. He told me he was sorry, really sorry and asked what he could do to help. I said nothing and then he asked if I wanted to go over to his - just to talk. I should have said no but of course, I didn't .....

I ended up spending the afternoon with him. In his bed. I hate myself for having no strength of character.

Grief

The funeral will be on Tuesday.

In the end, it was just Dave who came round yesterday. Nancy wasn't well and Ed's wife, Carolyn, is due any day now so he can't be too far from her.

I was right in assuming that Sean had told Jenny not to tell us anything so she thought it was just easier to cut off all contact. Dave spoke to her when she broke the news and he said she was in a really bad way. Even though she had been with him every day and watched him dying, it has still hit her hard. We're going to have to rally round her and look after her as Sean would have wanted.

Apparently, he was in a lot of pain in the last week or so and the morphine seemed to hardly help. He was pretty much out of it at the end but late on Sunday night, she looked up from her book and he was watching her. He motioned that he was thirsty and she gave him some water on a sponge. He smiled at her and mouthed the words "I really love you. Thank you". And then, he closed his eyes. He didn't open them again after that, and early on Tuesday he just slipped away.
I still can't believe he's gone. I feel so empty and I don’t know what to do with myself. I can't focus on anything and I don't really want to speak to anyone. My mind is just a mass of blank fuzz.

I don't know how I'll make it through the week or how I'll get through the funeral. I understand about closure and saying goodbye but that also means it will be so final and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

The News I've Been Dreading

I had just got into work this morning and was dealing with some of my messages when Dave called me. As soon as I heard his voice, I suddenly wanted time to stand still. I knew what he was going to say and I couldn’t hear it - I wasn’t ready. I wanted to be able to run away somewhere so that I wouldn’t have to acknowledge his words.

But they still came and I still heard them:

“He’s gone Selina. Sean’s gone. He died early this morning. Jenny just called me.”

I could feel something bubbling up deep within me. I could feel it getting bigger and I could feel it travelling right from the very pit of me, through my stomach, past my heart and up my throat. I could feel the waves it was making inside of me and I almost had to hold on to my desk as it then burst through my mouth and suddenly I was sobbing down the phone.

I could hear Dave but I couldn’t speak.

“Selina! …….Selina! …..You need to go home. Stop whatever you’re doing and go home. I’ll pick up Nancy and Ed and we’ll join you there. Can you hear me Selina? Go home.”

So that’s what I did. I don’t really know how I made it back here. I can’t remember who I spoke to at work. I must have looked a right state as I emerged from the office with my face all blotchy and red.

Now I’m home and waiting for the others. I don’t know what we’ll all do. Just remember him, I guess.

I can’t believe he is dead.

I really thought it was going to be all right. I wanted to believe that he would go into remission and come out of that hospice laughing and announcing that he was back. I tried calling Jenny a few times but her phone was always off and she never returned my messages. I suspect that was on orders from Sean as none of us had heard anything since that last night we saw him. Why did he cut us off like that? Why did he die? He was so bloody young – my age for god’s sake. This time last year, we went to a gig to see him play in his band and now, he’s gone. How can that be?

I can’t take it all in – I’m devastated.

The MP

I almost didn’t go to the garden party.

I tried to persuade the rest of the family that I had a headache but they all saw through it.
"It’s called ‘shame’ and you brought it on yourself so come and get it over with" said Sasha, clearly with great sympathy for her dear mother.

So I did go and actually, it was fun! The weather was glorious and Mr Actor didn’t seem to be there when we arrived so I relaxed quite quickly and got into the spirit of it all. Literally actually, as one of the neighbours provided free champagne cocktails for the first part of the afternoon and it would have been rude to say no……

For some reason, our local MP was in attendance. Although he does live in the neighbourhood he isn't in the immediate area so technically he shouldn’t have been there at all but I think he came as Errol’s guest, who is lives down the road and is something big in Westminster.

Anyway, the MP is short, fat and bald but I think he thinks he’s a bit of a babe magnet! To his credit he came out well in the whole MP expenses furore recently. According to the rules, he could have claimed for a second home but he chose not to. That aside, there is something quite sleazy about him. Maybe though, that’s just a required trait for MPs these days, I don’t know.

I know this guy quite well as to be fair to him again, he does attend lots of local events and works hard for his constituents. I got to know him a few years ago at one of our aftershow parties when the singing group had put on a bit of an extravaganza. He was very complimentary, said I had the voice of an angel, blah, blah. He was very entertaining and got a bit of a crowd round him as he recounted stories of Life At Westminster. Over the years, I’ve seen him at other events and he often comes to see our shows and he always heads straight over to say hello.

And that was the case on Saturday. We chatted for a bit and I laughed at his stories and he told me he was writing a book and asked if when it was done I would look after the publicity and I told him I would and to get in touch nearer the time and then suddenly he said, and admittedly he had drank quite a few of those champagne things, that he had always liked me!!

He was talking very loudly and kept going on about being entranced by my "heavenly smile and my twinkling eyes" and did I know how "absolutely gorgeous" I was and the effect I had on him since the first time he laid eyes on me. And as he slurred on, I realised that actually he was in fact very drunk and there was no where for me to escape to and I didn’t really know what to say and of course, at that moment, Mr Actor had to walk by ! He looked over and I’m sure he was shaking his head in vague disgust and I wasn't even doing anything !!

Fortunately, Ewan came to rescue me and the MP then told him what a lucky man he was to wake up to this "vision of pure beauty" every morning and then, his wife came from nowhere, took him by the arm and dragged him off without a word.

At that point two of my friends, Beth and Lisa came rushing over to find out what he had said because they too had just had the same treatment. I couldn’t work out whether I was relieved or disappointed!!

So, the question is - should I call The News Of The World …… ??!!

Garden Party

This weekend, it is our neighbourhood garden party. Every year, our street and the two on either side of us all get together in the locked, private communal garden that we all have access to at the end of our road. It’s a bit like the one in the film "Notting Hill" and there’s something about it being there just for us which makes an annual party quite a natural thing to have.

See, now I’ve started thinking about Matt again at the mention of "Notting Hill". He once told me that when he had watched it late one night, he was struck by how Elvis Costello’s "She" seemed to sum up how he felt about me and the next day he emailed me the lyrics that had struck him the most:

She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry

She
May be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

Me
I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She

I remember my heart jumping when he sent me that email. Stupid git! He’s clearly not thinking that about me now, given that I haven’t heard from him since I sent that email ending things. That’s good and that’s right but it doesn’t mean I’m finding it easy. No, I need to put him out of my mind – I don’t want to start dwelling on him again.

So, back to the party. It really is a lovely way to catch up with everyone and meet new people who have moved in over the year. Everyone brings food and drink and there’s lots of local talent. We have a couple of bands and Sasha and myself even did a set one year. Plus there’s a stiltwaker, magician, juggler and face painter that entertains the kids which makes it a great family event and we’re usually blessed with great weather. The fact that most people pitch up each year show that it is a good event.

The thing is……last year I embarrassed myself a little!

You see, we have an actor who lives at the end of our road – just opposite the gardens in fact. He’s not a famous name, more a "I know the face" and he often plays corrupt police chiefs or the criminal Mr. Big. He’s got that kind of hangdog face that seems to work very well in those roles.

Anyway, I’ve always been most fascinated by him - I’ve got a real thing for actors – but he’s hardly acknowledged my existence even though our daughters go to the same school. Over the years, I’ve had the odd nod from him and very occasionally a smile and once he did actually say hello, I think. And I always giggle and generally go a bit silly so he passes by pretty quickly. I have to say that in the workplace I am not at all fazed by celebrity and never behave like this so I don’t know why I have never been able to string two words together in his company. Ewan thinks he’s a miserable sod who’s not worth the time of day and Sasha hates his daughter and so can’t understand why I’m so besotted with him and Kyle just thinks I’m weird, but then, he does anyway.

So, last year !

It was one of the only sunny days we had and so it’s fair to say that along with the sunbathing, a fair amount of Pimms had been consumed beforehand. I was probably already a bit merry by the time we arrived at the gardens! A little alcohol helps me lose my inhibitions and whereas some people don't like that, I don't mind giving up a certain level of self control.

Still more alcohol was then downed as I flitted from neighbour to neighbour chatting and laughing. And then, while I was with old Mr Evans from down the road who used to be a film cameraman in the old days and was regaling me with tales of how he used to regularly beat Omar Shariff at cards and what they used to get up to, The Actor joined us. I couldn’t believe it! And we all had a laugh and he seemed generally entertained by me and it was all going so well. And then we all wandered over to the drinks table with me now assured of my place as his "friend" until obviously, I ruined it all!

It wasn’t my fault! I reached for the red wine but somehow I missed, and knocked the bottle over and then watched in horror as a big crimson patch crept over the crotch of his cream chinos. And yes, I did that thing of trying to mop it up while he desperately tried to fend me off and away from his private area! It was awful. I couldn’t apologise enough but he stalked off back to his house as Mr Evans roared with laughter and I was as red as that spilt wine.

I haven’t even had a smile from him whenever I’ve seen him since. He hates me and now I’ve got to face him again tomorrow!

Needless to say, I won’t be drinking !!

A Day In The Life

As soon as my radio alarm goes off, I wake up quickly to turn it off. It used to take three hits of the snooze button when the radio was set to the mellifluous tones of John Humphreys on the Today programme but somehow, the dial found its way to some ghastly local radio station with a presenter who has the most awful voice and talks utter tripe and so I’m up as soon as possible to stop his dreadful diatribe.

I usually then pad down to the kitchen to make that all-important first cup of coffee for my husband and myself and after I’ve taken him his, I head onto the patio with mine and have five minutes or so in the fresh air. I do that throughout the year unless it’s raining and then I just look out at our garden through the window. I love it – it makes me feel peaceful and helps me set out my thoughts for the day ahead.

That luxury means that I then rush around getting ready, either while listening to Today or half-watching Breakfast TV just so that I know what’s happening in the world and can talk semi-intelligently on current affairs if the need arises. There’s usually some shouting involved as the kids take their time and husband chooses to enter the shower just as I am about to but eventually we’re all ready.

I can’t face breakfast so the husband sorts out something for him and the kids and then, one by one, we all set off for where we need to be.

Sometimes, I work from home or sometimes I head straight to an event or to a meeting with a client but mostly, I go to the office. I work in senior management for a major PR company and we can be involved in anything from small news conferences to major celebrity galas. It’s challenging work that’s always different and I get to meet a lot of interesting people. My day can be spent with clients or planning events or attending functions and it can be long. When I get in, my assistant usually gives me a wad of messages which is the first thing I get on with. Then, I find out where we are with the various projects we are working on, ready for a daily meeting we have around mid-morning when the teams report on their progress and where we allocate any new jobs that have come in. They’re a good bunch of people and there’s a lot of laughter. I don’t think I would have stayed there so long if that hadn’t been the case.

I’ll usually be besieged by runners through the day who keep plying me with coffee and the occasional muffin and/or cake. It’s most tiresome! If I’m not meeting a client for lunch, they’ll usually get me a sandwich or a salad which I’ll have at the desk although if it’s a nice day, I’ll sit in the park or take a walk by the river.

We’ve been encouraged to twitter by the big bosses but personally, it’s not for me. There are enough young things in the office who do it and use it for following stories but it’s a step too far for me. I do keep a personal blog which is as basic as it could possibly be, which just records what is happening in my life - no pictures, no gizmos, just words and they have proved to be most therapeutic. I tend to write that at home but I have been known to do it at work when it is quiet and I will often deal with personal emails there too, if I have the time.

If we have no evening functions, I try to leave work as early as possible so that I can spend time with the family who are often neglected when work is busy. My mother lives with us (she moved in after my father died ten years ago) and usually has a meal on the table for when we get back, which we sit down together to enjoy. That is a real luxury that I know I’m blessed to have. It’s so special to spend proper time together talking about our day. I have a teenage daughter and son who are both doing well in their respective schools and of who we are very proud.

The evenings for me are usually spent catching up with household chores and making sure the kids have what they need for the next day and then I’ll flop down in front of the TV with my husband. Often, he’ll wake me up as I’ll have fallen asleep on his shoulder, dribbling usually! Then, it’s up to bed where I’ll try to read for a bit but usually don’t make it through more than a couple of chapters before I’m asleep again.

My husband likes to sleep with his arms around me and that’s a nice way for me to drift off away from the world into the black comfort of sleep. Usually I sleep very well, very deeply. Sometimes though, I talk in my sleep and have often woken up to find him asking me questions! Going back to sleep takes a while then as I stress about all the things I might have just given away ……!